What you are about to witness is really, really bad writing. It's crass, rank, inappropriately unapologetic satire. This post represents my roleplay for Ultimate Wrestling. This is fictional writing for a fantasy pro wrestling organization. Enjoy, or not!

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The camera zooms out from the exhibitionist's plumber's crack. The mottled man is sniffing at the floor near the wall like a hog snorting for truffles. Beside the bent over hillbilly known as Huckleberry is long-time Ultimate Wrestling host legend Scott Slade with a microphone. Together they are inside a prison cell with few amenities, such as a pristine, clean toilet, a comfortable cot, a blanket and sheets expertly tucked in without wrinkles, and a wooden wheelchair. Two guards are stationed outside the cell with their backs to the interior.

Scott Slade: Welcome to another behind the scenes update at Ultimate Wrestling where amazingly enough, I am allowed to broadcast on a two-hour delay from a top secret prison facility in North Korea. All of the UOW roster is here, as guest competitors in the Death Sport tournament, a battle-to-the death contest pitting our own roster against the monstrous champions of North Korea. So far most of our roster has come out alive, but not all of them have been so lucky. My condolences go to Dwight "The Legend" Couch. Dwight, you'll always be a legend in my book.

While Scott Slade continues on with his scripted speech to the camera, in the background Huckleberry stands up and scratches his head. He is looking at a small hole in the wall between the baseboards. Using a shiv buried under a wad of gum under the arm of his wheelchair, he uses it to unscrew pieces of the wooden contraption. In only a few short moments, he is able to dislodge a curved metal bar that was used to support the arm of the wheelchair. With expert finesse, the unorthodox hillbilly begins wedging it through the slats of the wall like a crowbar.

Scott Slade: Also Brother Buzi, who spent a lifetime I believe afflicted with Elephantiasis, so severe it permanently disfigured his face and body into what some would call a grotesquely enlarged shape, and no-doubt a lifetime of ostracization from society because the world would never fully accept him. Brother Buzi, I salute you. We also recognize the passing of the courageous Veteran Walter Reagan. He was a selfless hero from Desert Storm, and a true American hero. In his death, I can only hope he is able to finally find the peace he always so sorely craved. Also we moan the death of the beloved Gabriela Montgomery, the Caramel Delight of UOW. I think she'll be remembered among the list of stars such as Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Farrah Fawcett, Kim Basinger, and Kim Kardashian. Still, we can treasure here lifetime achievement forever through the library of her hundreds of video viral sensations.

A small pile of eroded cement, splintered wood, broken tile, and shattered drywall is forming around the enlarged hole Huckleberry has been whittling away at. Big enough to reach his head and shoulders through, but blocked by a wall of insulation and wiring. Returning to the wheelchair, he manages to unscrew the axle and one of the wheels. Using the leg of the cot to hold down the wheel, he stomps on the spokes until the rim pops off. Satisfied with his work he uses the "spoke spinner" to shred through the padded wall of fiberglass, clouding himself in a cloud of pink puffballs.

Scott Slade: Along with our own roster of defeated UOW superstars, the North Koreans mourn the loss of their own champions, "Hammer Hands" Blake Luthor, "The Living Nightmare" Kim Ji-Min, Soo Hyung the 23 inch sword assassin, and Belial the... well I don't know what to call him. The Mutant Head? With the entire North Korean roster annihilated, that leaves only our own UOW roster remaining in the second tier brackets of the tournament: Abbigail Dresden, Brock Ashibag, Huckleberry, Kronin Reinhardt, Takuma Sato, Jeremiah Vastrix, Davey-Boy O'Brien, and Champion Valora Salinas. Who will return home an international champion, and who will be sent home in a body bag?

Huckleberry: Eureka!

Finally, Scott turns around to acknowledge the devastation wrought by the redneck ransacking this cell.

Scott Slade: Huckleberry, I can't help but notice you seem to uh... would you come out for a moment, and explain what's going on here?

Scrambling out backside first, Huckleberry has a rat's nest of pink fluff crowning his already peculiar white-streaked, frizzed mullet-rat-tail hair. He raises one eyebrow to the camera and speaks directly to the camera in a fake mad-scientist vocal style, as if he had been rehearsing his acting abilities, poorly, for weeks.

Huckleberry: Ah-ah-ah-ahem!

Predictably, the nasty country bumpkin spits fat loogie onto the floor

Huckleberry: Let me update y'all on the pre-dic-a-ment we are now in. Yuh see, I been uh study'n the operations 'round here, and it seems like many of them are being, shall we say, "altered" with suspicious substances. They tried pumpin' some of that green ooze into my IV fluids an' into my creamed corn, but what they don't know is I'm too smart to fall fer that. See, that hole right there I knew from the moment I arrived was a rat's hole. They're all over this place. Can't ever git rid of 'em once yuh got 'em. So I've been feedin' my remnants of the green guck through that there hole to get rid of any hidden traces.

Heading over the bed, Huckleberry starts to unravel the sheets and folding it into a sort of bag shape.

Huckleberry: Mind handin' me that jar of pickles over there? Behind the bars over there, Mistuh Slade.

Scott walks over and, sure enough, discovers an over-sized jar of dill pickles hidden in the corner of the cell. He hands it to Huckleberry, who wraps it up within his sheets.

Scott Slade: Why on earth do you have a jar of pickles, and why aren't the guards trying to stop you from escaping through this gigantic hole you just made? I can't believe what you've done. We're going to be in a lot of trouble here any moment now.

Huckleberry: I'm a git'n there. Hold yer horses. Now, as I was sayin'... after a few weeks of eatin' the green goo, them rats are git'n to be the size of small dogs, and twice as nasty. I'm an expert with rodents, if you weren't aware, and so I been training the big uhns and the small uhns to start carvin' a way out for me. They probably have tunnels throughout the entire complex by now. The low rank guards, I come to find out, we are brothas of a diffr'nt color. Same strokes, even though we start'd half a world apart. I reckon they don' give a lick if I break a few rules here and there, 'cuz I gave Bee-yom-Sooks and Kwang-Joe a pack of rare GX Pokemon cards. And the feller watchin' the cameras agreed to replay videos me practicing my expert kamasutra techniques in case any of the higher ups might want to peep in or signal if anything suspicious was going on in my cell.

Scott Sledge: Hold on, so you bribed the guards? Are you insane? If anyone found out they might torture you, these men, and their families! How did you get these pickles and a pack of rare pokemon cards?

Huckleberry: GX pokemon. And I also gave the camera operator our special Adult-Only issue of UOW magazine featuring the late, Gabrielle Montgomery in her tell-all, fully undressed look at the life an times of how she became Caramel Delight sensation. See after my last victory in my match, the winners were allowed a few amenities to enjoy. They asked me what I wanted, so I got the pokemon cards for my buddies guardin' the cell, the magazine, and the pickles for myself. They were suggesting I get cigerettes, alcohol, a massage, and other worthless crap. I don't trust the guys up in the higher positions here. Might slip God-knows-wut intuh' my drank. I seen what that Kimchi gal did to the others. Besides, even without the bribes, most of the guards in this here slammer are pullin' my arm to sign autographs, and snappin' selfies of us to send to their friends and family back home. Apparently, there's even uhn underground jackpot building up. They say it's a 6 hundred million satoshis, whatever the hell that is, with 2 to 1 odds I make it outta here with my skin attached in some way er 'nother.

Scott Sledge: So now you've got a rat tunnel leading... well where does it lead? You think it leads out?

Huckleberry: I dunno, but I'm on a mission to find somethin' 'fore I try to break out' v'here.

Using a wooden pole he was hiding under his cot, Huckleberry ties up his white sheet together to make his own version of a custom hillbilly bag. He slings the wooden bar against his shoulder with one arm to support it, and starts crawling through the tunnel. More dust falls to the ground from the rat hole as Huck turns around. He reaches out to Scott for a handshake.

Huckleberry: Wish me luck!

Scott shakes his hand, and then wipes it on the leg of his pants. Scott's expression as he looks back at the camera is of total bewilderment.

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The scene edits now to some black and white raw footage, presumably from a security camera. It shows a plain hallway near a gate marked "Garbage Pick-Up". The chunk of the lower wall explodes into a cloud of crumbs and dust, and Huckleberry emerges from his expansive rat hole maze. The footage shows him rummaging through a trash bin. He starts tossing bloody towels, tissues, stained bandages, and bottles filled with toxic and biological waste. Unsatisfied, he steps inside the bin, and starts grabbing the freakish remains of actual body parts: burned hands, severed arms, legs that look like they were used as a pincushion, and acid washed sheets of skin tissue.

After rummaging through for a few minutes, he seems to have found what he was looking for. Huckleberry opens his jar of pickles. He eats one, and drinks some of the juice. A couple of rats crawl around the base of the bin sniffing the area. Huck tosses them a finger, which they hungrily begin to feast on. When finished, the dirty hillbilly gives a complementary burp. Under the mess of broken bones and body parts, Huckleberry finds a weird mutant arm attached to half a head, and another matching piece of the monstrous form. Doing his best to gently handle the two halves of the skull, he slides it into the pickle jar so that the two broken halves fit adjacent to each other. Huck kisses the outside of the jar in glee, and quickly crawls out over the edge of the bin. The whole container falls over, dumping waste on him, and dripping a puddle of blood and acid all over the pavement. He scrambles back through the rat hole he came from.

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The footage switches then to show an outdoor scene. It is the outside wall of the prison facility with tornado fences and barb wire, and shooting towers. A sewer manhole is lifted from outside the fence, and out emerges Huckleberry. Red lights start flashing, and search lights are roaming the area.

Speakers: Halt! Do not go any further. Return within the perimeter, or we will open fire.

Huck sticks his thumbs in his ears and waggles his fingers at the security camera. He jumps out further away to tease the snipers, to see if they will actually shoot, and then he jumps back closer to the fence, to show them he was just kidding. He repeats this over and over. Several times in fact, until one of the snipers gives him a warning shot, missing intentionally by inches. Continuing his antics, he moons the camera for good measure. Guards start running towards him firing tranquilizer darts.

Seeing that his opportunity to escape is now over, Huckleberry leaps back into the sewer hole with a big splash. Two guards follow him into the sewer. As the second one steps carefully into the hole following the first one, the severed mid-section of the first guard is hurled into the air behind him landing very dead beside him. His eyes widen and his arms swing wildly in the air as he screams for help. The shadow of a huge monstrous lizard creature with jaws fifteen feet in length clamp onto his head. It drops back into the hole latching onto its victim. The guard's hands clamp onto the surface ineffectively, and the weight of the beast pulls the rest of him down inside the cavity.

Another pair guards arrive. One slides the remains of the first guard back down through the hole, and the other is carrying a powered screwdriver and bolts the manhole down to prevent it from ever being opened again.

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The footage finishes with a slideshow of photos of Huckleberry mysteriously appearing in various selfies in and out of prison with the local farmers. John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads" accompanies the slideshow of impossibly/possibly staged photos.

#ewrestling #efed #uow #ultimatewrestling #wrestling #comedy #short-story #shortstory #story #writing #fiction #roleplay #rp #creative #creative-writing

Thank you for reading my original writing. This is a fictional satire, and my roleplay submission for Ultimate Wrestling.

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