It feels like my heart has been ripped out, I can’t stop crying

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Grieving

People that have lost someone, or have been separated from a loved one without actually wanting this, may understand what I’m going through. I didn’t want to actually call it grieving, but when my boyfriend called it this yesterday, I realized that it’s indeed the same intense pain that I’m feeling. And I should not try to call it sadness, because it’s way bigger than that. Lately, the intense heartache I’m feeling has taken over. The last couple of days I can’t stop crying, I look like an idiot with these big puffy eyes from crying my heart out. It doesn’t seem to stop, and it takes only a second to fall back in this huge episode of intense pain again. I feel bad for those around me, having to watch me like this, and having to deal with me lately. I try to get a grip on how I feel, but nothing seems to work. Even this post took me two days in total.

To my firstborn, beautiful and smart daughter:

This morning you probably woke up because of people singing for you. I wonder if, at this stage of our separation, you can be happy all day, or (like me) also feel this intense heavy feeling of missing and grieving. I believe (knowing from the past events) that you aren’t even allowed to speak about me, and I fear that by now, you’ve forgotten about me because there has been a replacement mother in your life. One that may be good to you, and may love you, while I have no choice other than to grieve over our separation. I will always love you, and I hope you know (and feel in your heart) that it doesn’t mean that the longer we’re separated, the less I miss you. It’s the opposite actually, it’s getting harder and harder each year. I wonder how long I can cope if I’m completely honest, but I must be strong, and I hope you can be too. I hope that you and your brother will always have each others back, and help each other, especially when you're sad. I hope that you will have a nice and happy day, but I also hope that this is a day you will think about me, even if it's only for a second. My biggest fear is that you will forget me, while I can never forget you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you (and your brother!) and I talk about you a lot to your little sister. Today she made a drawing for you. Because (her words) You have a birthday party!

Now, I know you can draw a lot better than this, but I'm pretty proud of her progress, she says it's you. So I had to share this one in this post. Maybe one day you'll read and see it here.

I have a thousand things to say

But everything seems to be stuck in my mind, all I can do is cry, so forgive me please that at this moment I'm not capable of writing you a loving poem or letter that you can read later. But this is my way of showing that you're the only one on my mind constantly, missing you and hoping you're not feeling the same way as I do lately. You're too young to understand why certain decisions were made by the adults in your life until now. And you're too young to explain it to, while I don't want to be put on the spot answering your questions, that I can't answer honestly. That means I have to lie about everything, and I don't want that. Those few years I had to do that were too hard, especially because you are both smart. Stay strong, I know you are, and please watch over your little brother.

I love you,

xxxx

Mom