Tonight's post was going to be of my baking business but there has been a turn of events.
No worries, as my son is healthy, strong and active. But there has been an ongoing situation that I am unable to fix. So I look to you, my friends from the Steemit world. This has been going on for 2.5 yrs.
Aaden is 7 yrs old. He is a tall boy and an ever sensitive boy. He is never deprived of natural needs like food, water, cleanliness, activities. I never raised him to be greedy. Teaching him that we can't always have what we want. And sometimes what we want isn't always good.
When he was in kindergarden, he stole from school. Small toys like legos, pieces of playdoh etc. We would give him consequences and have him give back what he stole to the teacher. It didn't phase him and did it again, this time we sent a letter and worked with the teacher in means to fix this problem.
It went well and we thought Aaden understood, but months later he was back at it again. Same thing, little toys. We repeated the process and again thought it was all good.
Over the summer he stole from Walmart. A pack of gum. I was so lucky to catch him with it in the van just before leaving. I brought him back inside the store. Brought him to customer service and had him give it back and apologize. He didn't want to apologize, he was too embarrassed. Good! I waited and we stayed until he did, but he wasn't able to bring himself to say a full sentence as to why he was sorry. I thought because he was humiliated and embarrassed. Maybe, maybe not.
It's been going on like this on and off. Months in between.
Today we went to town, had a few things to grab at the grocery store. Things were good the kids were ok but constantly asking to have everything. I refused. I will not spoil them with needless things and countless ways to rot their teeth. I do not always have the money to pay for it either.
We got home and every now and then I was smelling something sweet. I have a keen sense of smell and this smell was something sweet and lemony. But no kid around me. I went on a hunt. Just like that little fox. Didn't smell in the living room. Not in the kitchen either. I shrugged it off.
I put the girls to bed for 7:30. Aaden gets 15 min more than the girls since he is now older. A birthday gift we thought he was worthy of. We explained to him that even though it is 15 min he is getting, it also means that he has more responsibilities, he is older and more things come with age.
When it was time to put Aaden to bed, I had to put Frankie back in bed as well. She wasn't sleeping yet and just had fun roaming around. When I got to Aaden's room he was still and under his blanket waiting for me to put him to bed. There was that smell again. I put my hand just under his mouth and told him to spit it out. He stole my gum. I had already told him today that if he wants gum, to ask for it. But the smell wasn't from the gum. I lifted his blanket and found he had a push pop right beside him. He stole it from the grocery store he admitted.
I am at the point where I feel powerless. I told him that he no longer has 15 min longer. It's gone. Not for 1 day or 2 days or even 3 days. He will have to earn it back. But how? I don't know how to make this work, to get him to stop this act before it gets worse and it becomes embedded in him like a habit.
It's like his innocence, this child's essence of innocence is being tarnished and blackened from something I do not see. He is such a good boy, and then he has a side of him that brings violence and hatred and hurt. How do I take that out of him?
So I ask to you all my friends, what is your advice? I am now at a loss and I am scared for him.
My father always told me, 'You can always straighten a crooked tree when it is young, but when its old it is strong, sturdy and tough. If you let it grow crooked, you cannot straighten it when its fully grown."
Everyone has a 'currency'. Parents usually have the ability to leverage benefits or privileges in order to guide and steer behaviour. Finding his real currency may prove fruitful.
With that said, I also feel moved to explore the idea that he may be dealing with a trauma or pain and not sure how to process it. It may come out as theft. We did respite care for a young fellow with FAS, but he also struggled with trust issues. As a result, he would steel food from the kitchen all the time. We would find wrappers and food under his mattress and other locations.
Working on that trauma may help. the challenge is finding the root causes, especially when kids have no idea how to articulate them with adults. When I was 12 I went through a major trauma and it took me over 20 years to figure out how to talk about it.
Have you done some research to see what typically causes steeling in young kids? That may help to identify why he is doing it, which then can help you help him.
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Thank you my friend. I do not know the root yet. I have been asking myself and family members and friends for help but the root has not surfaced to be pulled out. I never thought of researching what can cause children to steel. I have just looked at how to fix it. Thank you for helping me change my views :)
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Aw. I understand this situation. It's a tough time. For what it's worth, I've got 2 grown-up kids and one still growing. They're all brilliant, honest, awesome and loving. And, each and every one of them has stolen something when they were little. It's normal, even though it's shocking when it first happens.
I've never smacked my kids. I grew up getting a whooping and it didn't ever change my behaviour – it just make me hide it better. It also made me the non-smacker I am today.
I stole sticklebricks from school as a kid and had the humiliating experience of returning them the next day. It was excruciating but it didn't stop me swiping other things (brand new felt tip pens, prittstick, etc.). Stealing is just something kids sometimes do.
My advice would be to include him in more activities in the home so that he finds value in that sort of thing rather than acquiring things that don't belong to him. If he helps with your bakery biz, he'll develop a sense of purpose and pride in himself. Soon, he'll not want to damage that sense of pride by resorting to activities that are beneath him.
I wish you all the best with him. You're doing your best as a mum and reaching out to your community here is a great step in the right direction.
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Those are great ideas and I will incorporate them more and more, reminding him how great it is to have him help me and reward him with emotional value.
It takes a community to raise a child. Even if it is an online one, this is a great one to be with :) xx Much respect to you my friend ^_^
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Yay. I can imagine how proud he'll be of himself, having more responsibilities, helping mum's biz, being important. Kids love that stuff :D
Yes, it does take a community to raise a kid.
Thank you <3
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It sounds like you're an amazing Mum... I would have done everything you have done also. There was one point that I took one of my kids to the police station. He sat in the chair, after I got him through the door as he didn't want to go in (he was freaking out!). While he sat on the chair I spoke with the police officer behind the desk just letting them know what had been going on and asked if they could have a word with him.
They did. They took him into a room, spoke with him, asked him what he had been doing and why he was doing it. They explained what would happened if he continued and told him to listen to me, I am his Mum and I know right. They were kind but they were firm... it was good and it worked for my son. Maybe something to consider??
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I have been thinking about this from time to time. I brought it up this morning. He really doesnt want to. The funny part is he wants to be a police officer. And the school had a visit from a police officer and they went to visit the station before. He was telling me how cool it was. My mind is boggled lol. Thank you for your help. This may be something to help him figure things out. I appreciate your time to help me :)
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You're most welcome... parenting is the toughest gig!!
The police are usually all too happy to help! That's great that he doesn't want to... when I took my son he was screaming at me, pleading with me not to walk through the door. He was scared of the consequences... it was good. It certainly helped us! : )
Good luck!!
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I'm late to your post, so you may have come up with something already, and I'm not sure if I'm going to add anything of worth here, but since I did raise two boys who were pretty different from one another for most of their youth, I have those two perspectives to work with that I thought I should share.
Our youngest son went through a period of time where he would do the opposite of what he was supposed to. If it was do something, he wouldn't. If it was not do something he would. It wasn't all the time and it wasn't consistent, but it seemed to happen at the worst of times. We tried all kinds of things, including taking things away we knew he really liked and probably resorted to spanking a time or two. Nothing really worked with any long term effect.
The really odd thing about it was, of the two, he was the laid back one. Didn't really get phased with anything. It would take a long time to get him worked up, but when he did, he would run away or hide or act out in some other way.
Finally, from what I recollect, I came to the realization one day that the behavior had more or less stopped, or grown less frequent. In other words, it was like a phase, but something physical or chemical or something that he finally started to grow out of.
I can't say with any certainty that that's what's happening with your son, but at the very least, it's a possibility that there's just some wires misfiring due to the fact he's a kid going through constant and ongoing biological and mental changes.
Now, I'm not suggesting you go ahead and ignore it, because stealing isn't something he should be doing, but I am saying that it might just be something he grows out of despite all that you do or don't do. :) Continuing to strike that balance between loving him and yet teaching him there are consequences is still going to be the way to go.
That's the experience I have to share, for what it's ultimately worth.
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Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to write me your words of wisdom.
I believe that there are some changes happening. Keeping that in mind helps me cope with it all while still trying to find the root if there is any. Trying a few different things at once from what a few people have shared with me. Hoping time will also help fix things.
That balance can be hard to keep. Sometimes I just want to hug him tight and say, everything will be ok, I'm here for you and I will keep you safe etc, but he can't get away with stealing. Working on positive reinforcement right now and good diets and structure. Time will definitely take place.
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it very much!
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When I read your post it made me reflect on a very similar upbringing I had from my parents, always telling me what the right thing to do is and not to be greedy or wasteful. However, I don't necessarily think all children can connect with this idea because at the end of the day we are driven by different motivations. I think at the time I felt the need to have things that other children had, and I was also just curious and maybe I didn't need to own something but I still wanted to take possession of it so I can study it. Some of it might be caused by the fact that my parents were so insistent that I shouldn't have it or don't need it, but at the end of the day those feelings were much stronger than knowing the consequences I would face for straying from the rules that my parents laid down.
So I did steal a few things as a very young child, sometimes I got caught and sometimes I was able to get away with it. I think the turning point was when I realized that my parents were not concerned about the theft as much as they were worried about what kind of person I would turn into. I still have one of the items that I stole - it is a reminder of that turning point where I realized that this would become something that controlled me, or I could learn to control it and become a better person. If I wasn't so young and naive to think that the love of my parents was equated to the material things that they provided for me then I probably could have grown out of this phase earlier, but as you would be able to appreciate, every child grows and learns at their own pace and in their own way. I hope that your son will come to learn and understand what drives that need and overcome it as well.
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Love this comment. Thank you, I am really hoping that with short time even though I know it will take longer, that he realizes this. I will try to explain to him more hoping his chain of thought will change, planting a good seed :) Its good to know the stories from you and the others of how things were from when being a child. It helps me see different ways and reasons of why. Keeping an open mind to what could be. I don't have a lot of memory of my childhood unfortunately. I stole once and the reason was because we were poor and I wanted to get my mom something for mothers day. It was a special magnet I thought she would like. She never asked me how I got it though. Strange now that I think of it...
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You can only try to create the right culture and environment within your family, but there are external influences with are difficult to control. I guess it is hard for children to see the impact of their actions because they don't empathize or see it from the point of view of the person who they steal from, so that's another thing that you might try to get him to recognize or think about.
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This we have been trying to do for a while. Seems as though he is forgetful. Or I am trying to think that he is forgetful.
How to give him the constant reminders without seeming to be that nagging mom. It's tough being a parent. Thank you for helping out :)
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Hmmmnnn... Well, first off my oldest son was like that. He now owns his own thriving IT business with 8 employees and gave up stealing long ago. But for quite some time I was concerned about him.
My observation is that a boys butt is directly connected to their brain. Smack the butt and the brain gets it. I was never even close to being abusive butt sometimes a good spank does wonders. Of course he has to go back to the store, and pay them back and apologize too. And then you ground his little butt for a couple of weeks. Be firm. Be strong. Nothing else will do.
Nice little talks and lectures are next to worthless. The 15 mins. off bed time. He'll shrug that off too. A treat in the hand is much better than 15 mins of lost time to a boy. If he has a favorite toy or cell phone or other electronic gadget take that for a couple of weeks. don't waver, don't give in.
I've raised my 5 kids (2 boys and 3 girls), four foster sons who had very rough beginnings (and every one of them swiped stuff) and worked in a home for delinquent boys for a couple of years. Trust me, you have to be the army drill Sargent. You whuss out and you make the problem worse.
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nice, what he said!! ^^^
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I can definitely be that drill sergeant, in this day in age it can be hard.
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I remember my first time stealing, it was a toy from this store, my mother found me playing with the toy at home, and asked me how I got it, and I told her I got it from the store...
I did not even realize that I had done something bad, I was probably like five years old or maybe six...
She made me go back to the store with the toy and I had to ask for forgiveness... The woman in the store was laughing, my mother was really angry, it was disgraceful...
Now I am quite old and I am not a professional thief (yet), so I guess it worked...
=)
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I brought him back. The person there was just looking at me dumbfounded and didnt know what to say. He kept quiet and so it was hard to get my son to apologize as he stayed just as quiet. So the effect on him could have been better perhaps? It wasn't enough. But all people react differently as well.
You made me smile at not being a professional thief (yet) :p
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It's never to late to change career and try something new! =)
Good luck with your son @foxyspirit!
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Thanks ^_^
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My sister used to do this when she was quite younger but eventually got over it over time. She gets some spanking too because of that. Talk to him first and talk about the consequences of his actions.
I wish you the best Foxy! I'd love to know how this matter would go.
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That we did and he blows up into this physical tantrum. Kicking and throwing things, yelling and all. I have to let him throw his tantrum in his room before things get out of hand... then when he is calm I try again and repeat.
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It's pretty hard to teach kids. Boys are the most hard to discipline as far as I've observed. Give him something to get busy about or a hobby that promotes discipline. I hope this would help.
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Remember that what you write on Steemit will be on the blockchain forever. It's up to you to be a good guardian of your son's online presence until he can create his own. Posts like this could come back to haunt him later in life.
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I understand this. Nothing bad about my son was said. I am a mother searching aid on how to fix a problem. This is a recurring problem to which I do not understand why it keeps coming back and my research on fixing it has proven to not help him in particular. I know there are people on this platform that work with children and so I seek guidance spiritually and through connections, hoping there is something that I did not think about before it is too late.
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Hmm do u have a friend thats a police officer? Maybe look into programs that do what we have in the states called scared straight
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that worked for me 🤣🤣✊🏽
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Something to look into. My step brother is an officer but lives a days travel away. But that could also be something dangerous to do as they can be most connected to the CPS.
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U shouldnt lose your child to cps if your trying to fix a bad behavior
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Shouldn't I know, but it has happened. They are getting really bad and more and more people are struggling with them. Innocent people.
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Does he have an allowance?
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No allowance money wise. He doesn't see the value of money just yet. We do say that if he wants to buy something from the store he has to work for his money. So if it is a $25 toy he wants, he will work to gain that money.
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It may be time to offer a fixed amount each week that he could learn to save. You would best know when he is ready to handle it though.
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Something to think about. I will talk to my husband on this idea. But I want to make sure what the positive effect is on this and not give him an allowance just to us it as a tool to take away later.
Like you said, when he is ready to handle it is key. :)
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This is a conversation If had with myself would have to be done on a 1-1.
I do not have a solution to offer you, a solution more often comes down to the individual or the individual parties involved in the discussion and whom it is about. I am always available to share thoughts or previous experiences through the discord rooms. Trust me, there is no outright way to correct this, Time has to do it, Time will give a greater understanding than the sharing of words. Knowing something is wrong, does not always equate to understanding why everything about something is wrong. Hit my DM and if nothing else I can maybe just ease your mind some.
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