What happens if you marry a person who is not growth-centric?

Let's start with the definition.

Generally speaking, a growth-centric person enjoys learning, even though it's at a slow pace. They will continuously look for new knowledge, are generally curious, and would dedicate time and resources for their personal development. They are always with something to read, working on a project, making new friends, setting goals and having ambitions, and more.

And, I'm betting you are someone that's growth-centric, because the way this title is structure, it's not tabloid-y enough.

And I'm also betting that you, yourself, at one point of your life, have asked yourself this question before. You enjoy learning, you have your calendars filled with meaningful activities, you actively reach out to mentors and coaches to grow, and deep down, you want a partner what shares the same values too.

What if your partner isn't one? What if you partner don't enjoy learning as much as you too, or no learning at all?

For example,

You: Enjoys reading a book at a quiet cafe
Partner: Shopping (or window shopping), trying on cloths and never buying them

You: Saves money to attend a seminar
Partner: Put spending on the credit card

You: Aims for that promotion at work
Partner: Aims to not get fired by just doing enough

You: Enjoys deep, philosophical thoughts and conversations
Partner: Loves gossip, denies problems, avoids progress

You: Self-reflects, journals, focus on in-wards growth
Partner: Denial, ignorance is bliss, opinion-less, looks at buying things to make self feel good.

You may say that it's difference of personality, but the trust is, it goes deeper. It's in the belief systems, and the values of the person.

Once in a while, as much as I try to avoid it, some friends, upon knowing my interest and exposure in psychology, would ask me if I feel they and their partners are compatible.

Frankly, I always looked at them in a "duh I ain't no saint" look, and I usually recommend them to have an exercise on values elicitation with their partner. The easiest way to do this it to think of the questions:

"What is important to me in a relationship?"

And both parties just list down values that come to mind. Values like security, wealth, passion, honesty, trust, integrity… the list goes on.

Then, rank those values from most important to least.

Here's where it gets tricky.

Talk about what each value means to them, and compare them. If the values differ too much, it's very likely that the relationship may not last. Sure enough, they will have constant arguments around those difference too.

Can values change? Yes. But remember, because values determines your beliefs, and your beliefs determines you behaviour, changing someone's value will alter a person's personality.

Are you ok with that, to be married to someone who looks the same, and yet, feels different?

So if you have a partner that is not growth-centric, it will reflect in this exercise. As a matter of fact, if he or she is not growth-centric, they may not even be keen to do this, for they fear of finding out more about themselves.

So Mav, what now? Is this the end of the relationship if my partner is not growth-centric?

I hate giving advice, especially when it comes to relationships. I'm a divorced single-dad, and I've failed in one more relationship after that. Though I'm happy in a compatible relationship with my girlfriend, Debbie (@deborism), I feel I'm in no position to tell you what to do with your relationship.

But if need be, here are two thoughts.

1. It takes two hands to clap. So if both parties decide to work on the relationship, then yes, it may work out very well. Make a mutual decision to talk to a counsellor, because having an experience mediator will always help. There's no shame in seeking for help, because it's never a sign of weakness or dependency. Instead, I believe it's a sign of humility and strength.
2. If indeed the relationship cannot continue, and you have to continuously sacrifice and compromise your growth for your partner, and your partner is prohibiting your growth, then a split is good. Yes, it's tougher if you have kids, but here's the thing: It's better to have happy, fulfilled parents, than one that's tensed with quiet desperation. The child feels tension, and sometimes, the parents may even accidentally voice out their inner dissatisfaction, something the child should not be listening to. A child likes to believe that their parents are good, and to have one parent bad mouthing the other, it will affect their world severely.

What about you? How would you handle a relationship where your partner just don't like to grow as much as you?

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