What's it really like being a single dad?

I became a single-dad about five years ago. William was 4 at the time.

And let me first get your question out of the way. Technically, his mom left both of us, me first, then a year later, Will. Her idea was to let him grow up with his grandma back in her hometown, which was far away. That was when I decided it ain't gonna happen, and took on the responsibility to be the full-time guardian of my son.

If there’s one thing single parents will tell you, it’s this:

It’s totally possible, and it's totally NOT gonna be easy too!

Which was the same “advice” I gave to friends whenever they came asking me for divorce matters. The shitty thing about getting divorce before everyone else in your age group is that you became that go-to guy for divorce and single-parent advice.

When there are no kids involved, it’s a way easier decision. Hard is when they are kids, and while co-parenting is possible, things can really go south and you ended up with the short straw - you become a single-parent.

And because of that, my first response was for them to try to patch things up - get a counsellor, talk to a therapist, talk to each other for christ sake! Oh, but don’t take that as a hidden desire to patch things back with my ex. That ship had sailed and dunked the moment she dropped the ball on her only son. Plus, I’m in a really good relationship now.

Hmph, that would be counter-advice, no? I mean, while I recommended my friends to patch things up, but here I am saying that I am in a way better place after the divorce, isn’t that plain hypocrisy, Mav? Well, let me give you the hard truth: I made it work, but it hard, and still hard. Which is why I thought of writing this to give you a heads-up on my hands-on experience to turn my life around, and if you think you can stomach it and make it work, then yes, divorce.

*Wait, wait, Mav. You’re turning your advice around again? At first you were pro-patch-up, and now you’re saying that divorce is good?

Here’s the thing. If both of you had very different values and can’t seem to make it work, you both are gonna be unhappy, and the kid(s) will feel that. The silent desperation, the tensed emotions at home, the uncomfortable silence in the long car ride, your kid will notice that. He/she is just keeping quiet about it.

But remember, there may not be an ideal person out there for you, post-divorce.

Heck, the only relationship that’s perfect are those that both parties work on it.

Ok, so now that I got all the bases covered, let’s just see what it really is like being a single dad?

Note: I wish I can say it’s the same for single-moms, but trust me, it’s not. Best to leave the opportunity for other single-mom to tell you what it’s like from their perspective. Trust me, it ain’t the same.

BUT FIRST YOU MAY APPRECIATE SOME CONTEXT OF WHAT I DO

I’ll be honest, I’m not a 9-5 kind of guy. I run mainly two businesses, Plaseed, a talent development consultancy, and BDlabs, a marketing strategy consultancy. I am not sure how that is different if you are a full-time employee, but I gotta tell you, it’s not necessary easier or harder, just different settings. My work requires me to meet clients once in a while, but I do not have an office to run. I rely a lot on technology for automation of task, and outsourcing for delegation of work.

Oh yeah, on the side, I have been a community builder since the year of the divorce, and doing my best to clock in 90 days of travel a year (that’s just a personal thing). So I do have a life outside of work, though @deborism and I would be first to admit we are what people deem us "workaholics".

Ok, let's finally go!

#1. You vs. The Nagging of Time

Remember that time you had a splinter in your foot but don't have the usual tools to remove it? And you just can't wait to go home and get it out? And your whole day is just a bit off because of it?

Depending on how old are your kids, take that, and multiply it everyday for the next 10 to 18 years. You'll always be in a rush, always conscious of the time. You loved to have the meeting extended, but you just couldn't. Sometimes you have to say no to clients because of that too.

You see, you gotta drop your kid off at school, and pick them up at the scheduled time. Then there's the meals, the groceries, the activities. I don't need to tell you how the city traffic can be a bitch. Whenever you hear the thunder in the horizon, your heart beats faster, anticipating the rush.

While most people have a body clock inside, yours is an alarm clock.

#2. Be prepared to double your earning, or cut your expenses by half

Unlike other kids who have mommy and daddy pooling their finances together, you will be the sole bread winner. So, when compared to a parent that earns as much as you, that means you need to cut down on a lot of things, optimise your spending and all. You also need to double up on savings too, because if shit were to happen to you and you can’t earn no more, that savings is gonna come in handy.

If you don’t want to practice those cuts, the alternative could be a prime motivator for you to succeed - you just gotta work harder, smarter, faster than the average parent. Side gigs, part-time hustles, get a nice promotion, start a business full-time, or even carving time for Steemit, anything you can do to increase your earning capabilities.

Oh yeah, your kids' mom may help out with the finances, but you know those free drinks that Starbucks random give you if you’re lucky enough to take part in their customer survey? Treat her help like those free drinks - far and few.

#3. Have a network of support

Let’s face it, there will be times where you can't make the 6.30pm pick up, or there’s this client who you just can’t shift the schedule around. That’s where your trusted network comes in to help. Friends or family members you can trust to take care of your children for a few hours, or in those cases of emergencies.

Lucky for me, @deborism is always helpful, mainly because as she lived with us, she understood the challenges really well. Occasionally, @jikey helps out too, in a way that William can keep his own son entertained as well, while he catches a breather. :)

#4. Relationships are possible

You know how some girls would say the best men are all taken or gay? Well, that certainly helps give single-dads some good creds. I can’t vouch that it works all the time though.

After the divorce, I’m fortunate to have found a life partner in @deborism. Fortunate because we share the same values, are both growth centric, have the same idea towards vocations, religion, education and idiots, and she works remotely with her clients too. She had also been a good role model for William, being patient with his 1001 questions outside of Google, and Will is fortunate to have grown much under our combined influence.

Having said that, I know many single-dad (and moms), who are not as lucky bringing a kid into a new relationship. But I like to look at it at a second chance to get it right - tapping on past lessons, understanding yourself better, and knowing what you look for in a partner.

You just gotta do it with a kid in the equation.

#5. New influences in your kids’ life

Will you be as lucky to have a good influence in your kids’ life as I do? Sorry, man, I don’t rock a Jesus hairdo, nor do I have his foresight.

Yes, assuming you have a new partner in your life, that means new influences in your kids’ lives too. And if you are co-parenting, the same can happen to ex as well. You will have to deal with her new partner’s influence in your kids life.

But wait, are influences that important? Think behaviours, beliefs systems, personal values, habits, nuances, attitude towards education, spirituality, parenting, everything. You know there are some kids in school that you would rather your children to not hang out with? Whatever the reasons you have, you may have them in her new partner.

#6. It’s crucial for you to have personal (and if you’re lucky, couple) time

It’s like running two full time jobs, hyper demanding, highly intensive. And you’re merely human, which means you need your down time as well.

Remember the support network I mentioned in #3? Leverage on that so you can have some me-time, or we-time with your new partner. For me, I am grateful that Will has his grandma and cousins (yup, the same ones his mom wanted to leave him with full time until his 18). That allowed Debbie and I to travel, and we bring him along as well sometimes.

The downtime for you is really important to keep your sanity in check. Trust me, the stress will build up.

#7. Education beyond the classroom.

You are the key influence in your kids’ lives now. And don’t trust the school system to provide all the education they need (since you know the system after being it's customer, would you?)

You still need to spend time to put your kids through a growth plan, so that they can be ready for the ever changing world. We grew up without the internet and the blockchain, so you just can’t imagine what’s in store in your kid’s future.

And because of my personal beef with the public education system, and not wanting to lock my financial commitments down for the next 12 years in a private school, I opted to send William to a resource center that uses a home-schooling syllabus. He gets to learn at his own pace, on his own abilities, alongside his own interest, while still be able to socialise with children around his age. It’s a huge gamble since I am also not prepping him for university, but that’s story for another day. And because it's a home-school syllabus, he gets to travel with me and skip school, which he currently doesn't enjoy doing. :)

#8. Thank God for Technology

You know how some non-parents would say shit like “Awh, your kids are spending too much time on devices.” Trust me, unless your kids have “healthy” hobbies, as a single-parent, you gotta leverage on technology as one of your source of support network. If giving an iPad to your kids means 30 minutes of uninterrupted work, you gotta make that call.

As Will grows older, he got more “assignments” to earn him his screen time, and it varies from reading physical books to completing Sudoku, or finishing a first self-learning coding lessons. You need to have some rules they can play by to earn them their precious device time.

SO WHAT'S NEXT?

Who, for me? We're just heading out to a beach at the south of Koh Lanta tomorrow, and probably get some of the best BBQ chicken wings in the whole world (according to Will.)

Oh, you mean for you? It's your call. I'm just telling it as it is. Some would say there are many ways to look at divorce, either a cup half empty or half full. Me? I know at some point, I gotta go and wash that cup.

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Wait, why's Mav posting on Steemit nowadays?

Well, unlike other blogging and social media platform, Steemit is the only platform that allows me to earn cryptocurrency when I engage with it. Yup, one Steem is about USD7, and you, too, can earn Steem Dollars every time you:

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The only difference? For once you can earn a nice income on the side!

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