Batty Betty and Our Dog Kip

My mother-in-law is a bit eccentric. Mean, shady and manipulative also come to mind, but that's not the consensus among the general population.

Betty travels several times a year and in 2010 she visited second cousins across the country. My husband and I were tasked with house sitting since it was also the time of year to finish up the year's yard work. We loaded up the dog and drove up, ready to work hard during the day and binge-watch TV shows at night.

Upon arrival we discovered she had left her central air running, which is a bit ridiculous even in Florida. We shut if off and opened a few windows. We walked the property to make a checklist for the next day's work and let the dog run for a while. Kip isn't allowed in Betty's house so we wanted to let her run before locking her in a roomy, but isolated, dog pen.

Dinner ended up being leftovers Betty hadn't seen worth taking care of before leaving, giving us each a bit of indigestion and the chance to crack jokes about all the fat and butter she uses even for the simplest meals. The food tasted great, we just ahd to remember smaller portions the next time around. A good night's sleep was in order before starting the outside work.

We mowed, mulched, raked, shoveled, trimmed, burned and repaired for two days. Kip spent most of the time out with us, we could trust her to not run off. Our bodies were tired and our minds a bit scrambled from being so bored from all the work. We did a good job but neither of us enjoys the work. Betty called a few times each day to check on progress, complained about her weather and demanded more repairs be made before we left. We didn't care, we'd do what we can do and move on.

Sunday evening came and we were going to rest with the lights off and watch movies in the windowless office. Betty called as we were putting tools away, throwing a ball for Kip and smoking before heading in. She chattered on for a few minutes about the neighbor kids making too much noise, her great-niece bringing home a nice boy for dinner but he chewed too loudly and the rainy mist making a night-time walk impossible. Spoiler alert: 6 nights out of 7 she has an excuse; 1 night out of 7 she falls asleep in her recliner watching television.

Betty heard me relight my cigarette and hollered that I needed to be at least 50 feet away from her house if I was smoking. I only knew because my husband keeps her on speaker phone since he can tune her out for the most part and continue to work. I smirked and blew smoke at the phone to make myself feel better. We finished smoking and listened to Betty discuss the current drama on Gray's Anatomy while heading up the porch to sit with Kip for a bit.

Betty is talking about Meredith and how wonderful she would be for a daughter-in-law (Betty doesn't like me) and asks my husband if he finds Meredith attractive. It was odd, but I jumped in to say that of course he finds Ellen Pompeo attractive, she looks similar to husband's first wife. Betty has made this comparison many times before and seemed a bit shocked I'd bring it up first. Too bad for her, I was in a good mood and wanted to rustle her jimmies a bit.

While I'm laughing, mostly to myself, Kip change her stance. She's on high alert and listening. When she bound up the porch stairs and quietly growled at the door my husband told his mother that he had to go, he'd call her back later. The house is 3 floors and about 4,500 square feet. There's an alarm system but we turn it off while we stay because we're irresponsible like that.

We stand and wait for Kip to continue or relax, she continues. I hop over to the truck and grab the baton and machete. We're in the country and snakes are pretty common so weapons are always handy. In this time Betty has called back and is demanding answers. She won't stop talking and calls back immediately after being hung up on. At this point she is crying about being ignored and how dare we treat her like this when we're staying in her house.

The phone was put into his pocket and we opened the door for Kip who ran inside and started checking rooms. Kip may not be the smartest dog but she is very protective. The dog continues looking around and the phone is once again at my husband's ear. He explains that Kip is checking the house, we keep hearing a pop or click sound and don't know the source of it.

Guys, Betty freaked the fuck out. She was mortified that Kip was in her house. Betty screamed about fleas, poop, the possibility of vomit, asked if she was in heat, yelled that if Kip tore any of her bedding or blankets we'd be buying her a new mattress, etc. Betty didn't worry about the safety of her son, the possibility of an intruder in the house or anything else - she was terrified that Kip would destroy her house in a matter of minutes.

The crack noise continued but Kip came back relaxed and ready to lay at our feet. This is her cue to us that we need to do the same so she can get a few belly rubs in. Husband gives Betty the all-clear, she's still yelling about calling animal control or the sheriff's office because of a dog in her house. He tells her he loves her and hangs up.

The noise hasn't stopped and Kip is relaxed so we didn't know where to look first. We had to figure out what it was or else we'd both be on edge for days - resolution was the only way to get a good night's sleep. I stayed with Kip while he started checking the rooms. First floor was good, the noise was very faint. Second floor was okay, especially since most of the bedrooms had closed doors and an open layout.

The night was about to get chilly so he decided to close most of the windows. As he got close to the last one the cracking noise got louder and he listened for a bit. The noise was coming from across the street. A child had a cap gun without any caps but he was clicking through the rounds anyways. He yelled out 'false alarm' and came down so we could lock Kip up for the night.

Betty, to this day, says Kip tore her couch and chewed on slippers. She is also convinced that there must have been fleas on Kip because she found a tick in the house. I'm also a terrible wife because I did not make enough food to feed the five extra people who showed up for dinner the next night. Betty hadn't told us they were coming and she hadn't called them to say she would be out of town. What did we do instead? Ordered pizzas and let people drink beer and smoke on the back deck.

Her friends didn't even know I was married to her son. After years, Betty still couldn't bring herself to mention my name or her son's relationship with me. My husband took it in stride and told them that Betty's become a bit batty in her advancing age.

Betty still refuses to let Kip in her house, even if there's a possible intruder.