Challenges of a Stay at Home Dad

There's a good chance that of all your friends, there's at least 1 stay-at-home dad (SHD). It's estimated (at least according to a HuffPost article from May 2015) 16% of the at-home parent population are SHDs.

As a SHD, I've found that there are a lot of (mis)conceptions about who we are, what we do, and why we do what we do.
I don't think the world views us as pariahs or misfits, but there are some themes I've found that you might be interested in… or not.

We feel a pressure to be perfect
I don't know if it's a societal thing or what, but when I talk to other SHDs, we seem to share this idea that if things aren't perfect, we're failing.

Is it because our partners are out in the workforce providing money for the household? Is it because of a belief that "keeping a home" is relatively easy to money-making careers? Is it because men have more, and more prominent leadership positions in society and so if we can do that => we can do this (stay at home and be just as good, if not better than women)?

This is one of the hardest aspects because when things aren't perfect, we see the imperfections and project the opinion of our partner onto the situation. Any look of disappointment or justified complaint is amplified.

Because we tend to deal with our feelings worse than most females, that's an especially potent combination. We beat ourselves up. We take it really personally. We struggle with letting domestic things go. We may not show that we feel terrible but we generally feel like shit because of the results.

My wife has said some very innocuous things to me that I've interpreted as Black Widow venom. Maybe that's my lack of maturity? But I hear that story from other SHDs - it seems common.

We can't relate to Stay-at-Home Moms (SHM)
SHMs generally don't trust us. Maybe it's tougher in the #metoo era. Maybe it's because SHMs think something is wrong with us. Maybe they find us threatening. I really don't know.

What I know is that having a nice, reasonable conversation with a SHM at the local gymnastics or kiddy play land is almost impossible. But when I give-up and a fellow SHM sits down next to her, the chit-chat floodgates open up.

So imagine being a social situation where you have a major element in your life in common with everyone else (kids) and nobody is willing to engage with you. Not fun.

We're generally starved for social interaction
We are home all day with children. "Dad! Dad! Dad!" "I want!" "I need." "Johnny did this!" "Sally did that!" "No you can't have a treat right now." "You need to take a 1-hour nap!" "Please just eat your lunch..." "No, I don't want to play Chutes & Ladders for the 27th time this morning."

These are our conversations and several SHDs have shared the inability to transition from "kiddy talk" to adult talk. Combined with #2 - this makes being a social being particularly difficult.

All most of us want is a genuine conversation. Someone to share a challenge or success with. Someone to recognize that they're in the boat with us and we them. I hate to break it to the ladies, but even the worst among us aren't trying to get in your pants at the local Kids' Museum. We just want to talk, maybe make a light connection, and share a laugh or a sigh.

We don't want a play-date. We don't want your babysitter. We don't want to be the husband your's isn't. We just want to talk. Like people.

So if you meet a SHD and he seems to struggle in a typical social situation, give some credit to this dynamic.

We ALL struggle with vices
As soon as we're "set free" a lot of SHDs act-out in unhealthy ways. Maybe it's because we're not being fulfilled elsewhere. Maybe it's because we struggle with the stress of staying at home with kids. Maybe it's because we feel trapped. Maybe it's because we're depressed. I don't know.

There’s a certain freedom that working brings to an adult. A chance to stand on your own merits and to do something that others can see and you’re immediately rewarded for. That’s not the case for any stay-at-home parent.

As human beings, we crave credit. I’m yet to meet someone who doesn’t enjoy a compliment about a “job well done.” That’s hard to get as a parent - you’re job isn’t ever done except when you’re dead. Then you're judged. With no defense.

To alleviate that lack of recognition, we act out. We do things you wouldn’t think someone in a happy, healthy marriage with happy healthy kids and a generally happy and healthy lifestyle would do. But we do. A lot.

I’ve sat outside a lot of questionable places and watch men go in and come out later… and then they usually go to the bar. I follow them to the bar. I sit down with them. They open up. I can’t count the number of times I wish I would have written down what a person shared with me before they shared it - if I got STEEM DOLLARS for that, I’d be rich.
Being a SHD is tough.

We have few models
Moms can usually talk with their mom - even if the relationship is dysfunctional. If not, a sister. Not a sister, then an aunt, or friend, or the gal sitting next to her at the library while the kids act like it's a zoo.

SHDs generally have few models to look at - good or bad. We can't be just like our moms and most of us don't have a SHD father figure in our lives to ask questions.

We're winging it. There is no plan or blueprint. Even the SHD blogs are generally shitty - simply filled with advertisements and affiliate program crap... not to mention, terrible advice.

Hopefully you don’t think I’ve whined too much and maybe got a few insights about some of the things one of your friends or family members is struggling with.

I shared this post with a friend and he said "So what's your point? What do you want?"

Hard to speak for other SHDs, but really, just to be understood and to let other SHDs know: you're not alone. If you're a SHD, reach-out and say hi. If anything, I bet our conversation will elicit a good chuckle.

Until next time.
-Struggling Dad