#5 Letter to My Future Daughter

Good afternoon young lady,

What are you doing in heaven? Do you miss me? I am fine here. I ate so many chocolates, candies and ice cream. It helps me relieve my stress, so does helps me gain some weight --. My daily life is quite boring darl, I go to school, back and sleep. This repetition fed me up sometimes, it would be so much colorful when you here, especially when you ruin my sleep time. Hahaha.. Oh darling, I really can’t wait to see you and also don’t want to see you at all because I don’t know whether I am ready for this commitment or not. Don’t get me wrong, I know I know, I am trying --

The prospective donor is also fine, he is still learning to deal with my attitude and anger issues. He’s often the one responsible for bringing down my odd anger freak outs. On the other hand, I am handling his controlling behavior. It is kinda hard and long way to go sweety. All he wants is get married soon, when I am not ready for that. I need kind of ensurement to convince me that we would never repeat what my parents have done in the past. I need someone who won’t leave no matter how bad the storm is, I am also worry I will be the one who leave.

I am afraid of marriage things, only think about it bring back bad memories. Do you know your grand dad and grandmother were separated when I was 13? At that time your uncle, Febri and Fiki were only 5 and 7 years old. Let’s not say about family broken. We faced so many problems, we were fighting so hard for life but somehow we survived and family remains together. We are not “broken home” family, but let me be honest, it creates trauma for me. Since the early age, I’ve been facing so many family issues. I was acting like a kid, but honestly I am mature before my actual age. I pretend don’t care about whatever happened but it affects my entire life. Silent cries every nights, big denial and bashfulness has been covered behind my “I am Fine” mask. I was trying to be strong but silently I am dead inside little by little. I was so young, and no one ever knows that.

Without being exaggerate when I said it traumatized me. During these time, I am being sarcastic towards my friends and families about marriage to hide my fears. Some guys approached your mother, few of them were proposed to marry me and I say NO without even consider it. I always mumbling about how young I am, I am not ready for this but I am not sure when I will be ready. I am used to think to not marry anybody but it will also means I will never have you.

I am worry I couldn’t control my raging emotion, I am worry he will get tired of me and leave. I am freak out think about he will find someone better and destroyed all the vow. After all these bad imaginations, my deepest fear is I can’t be responsible towards my children and bring them into a mess that I created because of rush silly decision. I know, I am just over thinking, I am assuming something that did not happen yet, I never tell this to anybody darling, but I think you need to know about this. I hope you could take lesson about my life when you grown up. Marriage is lifetime decision, you could ruin everything if you pick wrong pathway and wrong partner.

But the problem is the prospective donor. Right now, out of blue, I don't realize since when it started, slow but sure, he turns into my favorite human. I just could not say no because I am too afraid to lose him. I follow his order right away like nobody every does, I won’t admit it to him but I fall darling. I am surely fall with this young man. What should I do? I am in danger now.

PS: I was cutting fruits yesterday, in order to maintain our fitness I think we can avoid candies and substitute it with fruits. What do you think?

With Love,
The silly girl who trying so hard to not fall