An introduction of Anouk Nox, I will not be silenced anymore! This year I will make a difference...

After some posts about my experience with CPS and a violent father of my two oldest kids, I would like to explain a bit more about who I am, and what my goal is.

First of all, my name Anouk Nox is not my real name. It is an alias I chose to use last year for me as an author to bring out my story to the world. After what happend to us in Holland, I still want to remain anonymous due to fear of how far the fathers connections could reach.

Because I am a Dutch mom of 3 that recently moved to Budapest (after living 14 months in Spain). I live here with my soulmate, who has seen what I had to deal with from first hand from the moment I left to the womens shelter with the kids. After a while I decided to move in with him in Holland with the 2 kids, and he has been through everything that happened together with me. Some of the things I would not even believe they were happening, if he wouldn't have been to witness this all. He kept me sane, and the other way around. He has been my rock the last years. And we have a baby girl together who is almost 2 now, smart little kid but a hand full at this age, lol.

When I got in a women's shelter after the dad of my 2 oldest kids got violent again, I wrote notebooks full with my thoughts about the situation. This helpt me heal, and deal with it. I didn't have a clue about what was yet to come dealing with this violent person that calls himself the dad of my two oldest kids. I also wrote a letter to him during that first weeks when I was not allowed to leave the building, because they gave me the so called: code red. In this letter I promised to him, that one day I would write a book about what he did to me and the kids, and the whole world would know what the truth was behind all his lies and games. 

I never forgot this promise that I made. I never gave him the letter either, but I kept the promise to myself to start writing. At first I couldn't because it was to painfull, but after some time, when all the damage had been done, I could only accept what was happening and be the best version of me so I could cope with this. What was difficult to do at many times, and I really had to learn to accept the situation, as I was not in the power anymore to change it by the time it was too late. 

I knew my from my gut feeling (which I had ignored for years during the time I was with the father)that my only chance of getting them back to me, would be to get as far away from the father as possible. Why? Because eventhough I didn't give him anything to start the trouble again, he would just start again as soon as he felt like it. And by starting again, I don't mean getting into a fight with me, but after a while it was getting dangerous what he did. He started to stalk me, but the worst thing was, when he started to let people I didn't know stalk me. 

With subtile hints during the activities I knew it came from him, but other people would not be recognise it, and wouldn't do anything about it. He saw my fear, and my fear kept feeding his activities. He even let people (we saw it happening) cut our gasoline line of the car during a heatwave in the summer. He let people break into our house (living in a house with more people so the frontdoor was easy due to connections) and I even found bullets (real ones, the police confirmed) in the closet, they fell on my head when I opened the closet. 

I knew this was never going to stop, and as he had already taken the case to a level that I could not fight it anymore, because I was broken, I didn't want to live anymore. Because I lived in fear, I knew my only chance was to get the hell out of there. And I knew after a while he would not have any power over me anymore, because I wasn't there. But most of all this was for my health, I could not cope anymore, for my own sake and my boyfriend and youngest daughters sake, I needed to find myself back again. So our daughter would not be the victem anymore of his actions.

Because I can asure you, she was not safer either. She had medication for gastric acid, and when we were away for half a day and came back in the house. We gave her the medication as usual, and she started screaming and screaming, she was in aganising pain. I knew instantly that they messed with her medications. Some may find it hard to believe, but after what they did to us at that point, I knew they would not stop until something really bad had happened to all or at least one of us. As long as I couldn't cope anymore, and wouldn't be able to get back on my feet again. His goal was (like he promised) to get me either hopitalized for mental issues or to make sure I didn't survive. 

At that point in our life we realised after research that the father is a psychopath. He will not stop until he has what he wants. We had some light at the end of the tunnel a few months before we left Holland. Finally there was a police officer that said: "They should have taken you seriously, this is going so much further than just 2 parents not getting along" she came to this conclusing when I reported him taking all the money of our daughters bank account. An account that was opened by me years ago, and I used it to stash the money for payments. Months before I had asked the bank if it would be possible for him to access this account, and they told me no, because he is not registered as a parent. So I thought it was save. He watched the money on the account since january, and decided to take all of the money out and just transfered it to his account (yes with name and everything) when our daughter was 3 weeks old. 

He was so heartless that he hoped we could not buy our daughter any diapers and things she needed. A baby of 3 weeks! He did that to the mother of his 2 oldest kids. The police filed a report, and made many promises, but after almost 60 hours at the police station, and the notification that they would arrest him the next day, the help suddenly stopped. Unbelievable when you know that she called it the biggest stalking case she had worked on, and the case was even used in a police training for cases that should have been alarming. On 30 of the points that they used as a mark for an alarming situation, she had to confirm positive for our case. It all seemed so hopefull for about a month, and I was going through al the evidence (recordings, texts, emails, photo's etc) for hours and hours each day, week after week, only because I thought this woman from the police is the one that cares. She cared, I could tell, she sometimes had tears in her eyes while we spoke about the evidence. But it must have been like the other times before, that there was another officer involved with connections that stopped her from working on the case.

After this failed, I decided we are not going to keep doing this to ourselves, and we have to make sure we will be ok. That they won't have any power or control over us anymore whatsoever. Nor the government, CPS and my ex. It had to be stopped. People mostly didn't agree on our decision, we knew this before we left, but we knew from both our gut feelings that this was the only way to be us again. And we deserved to be at peace again. We had been taken down to the ground too long, this was going to end. And not because anyone else gave a helping hand, no, because we took control over our lives again. 

The best choice we have made! Should have done this a year earlier, but back then I still felt like there was a chance of things turning out positive for us. Now we will be finally moving in to a long term appartment this week, and I can take all the time I have to write. Because my goal is to finish my first book this year. And as I want to take control over what happens to my book, I need funds to get it redirected when the time is there, and of course I need to have a good cover, and do some promotions etc. This book will only be the beginning of all my plans. But lets start with one thing at a time.

This year is my year! This year I will make a difference for women going through simular problems. 

If you feel like you recognise any part of my story and you are a victem of the horrors of government corruption, CPS , social workers, or a horrible other parent of your kids. Let me tell you, eventhough the world may seem to fall apart, and you have no strenght left to fight, you do ! I felt that way, and we got back on our feet due to our own strenght. You are not alone!

Not only will you read my story here, you will also read about how I found out the narcissitic behaviour of the dad, and later on how he scored the highest score on the psychopatic checklist (official one we found online). And I will also write about my kids, so that later in life, they can read that I never ever forgot them. Whatever the dad my have told them, they are in my mind every single day. They will know later on in their lives, that I am a loving mother, and I want to cherish every memory I have with them. 

My posts appear in the order that I feel like writing, because some topics are still too hard at this point to go into detail about. But they will appear when I am ready. I want to inform others, let my mistakes in how-to handle CPS and dangerous ex not be yours. I know the ins and outs by now, about how they take you down, bit by bit. Because I am clearminded now, and I don't believe in a fairytale anymore. Let me help at least 1 person, and my mission is accomplished. I have respect for this heartwarming community, and every single writer that posts under the Familyprotection tag. Let us speak, and never be silenced again!

I am Anouk Nox, and I will make a difference this year! Nobody is going to stop me anymore..