Sorry about your mom. In most situations the loss of a parent hurts and you are far to aware of this.

Stop beating yourself up. You can't change things. What's done is done and to torture yourself is mean. I will keep saying this until it sinks in. You are worthy, you are good enough, you are a beautiful person and you are getting better. I know you may not feel that you are, but it is noticeable.

How do you know when you are strong? One doesn't really know this. Those of us that don't think we are will almost always see ourselves as weak. You know what tells me someone is strong? You're still here. You made it through another day. Just like how much of your crying is feeling sorry or from being frustrated and tired? If it is from being frustrated and tired, then you are not weak. It shows you are trying.

Learn to celebrate these little things when they happen. I think you just need to work on being the best version of yourself that you can. It's ok to cry. It's ok to get angry. It's not ok to be mean to yourself. I think that would be what your mom would want. I know for me I just want my kids to be happy with their lives regardless of anything else going on. I have tried to help them to not react to things the way I do. I have tried to help them to see problems when they arise and deal with it then an there. Most of all I tried to show them that while things happen to us that we may not have control over that they do not define us. It is how we mover forward that defines us. Staying with the old pain is not healthy. Learning to move through it is the only way.
I have faith in you @maverickinvictus I know @lynncoyle1 does too.