avoid father's gaze

My father was a scout when he was young. After retiring from the army, he was engaged in a criminal investigation. He was an excellent investigator. As the youngest me, since I can remember, he is no longer young. The crow's feet in the corners of the eyes are very deep, and the eyelids are not so clear and flat, but the eyes are bright, not the apparent, stream-like brightness of the young ones, but the sharpness of a sword. The eyebrows are not very thick, but two long-lived eyebrows are hanging down on the right eye, like a guardian, making the eyes more majestic. His colleagues, friends, and acquaintances all said that his eyes were so powerful that he seemed to be able to kill. My father is also very proud of himself. When he told us the story of the battle in the past, he emphasized his gaze. Once, my father caught three prisoners. While waiting for reinforcements, he didn't dare to close his eyes for two days and two nights. On the third day, a prisoner wanted to escape, but his father stared at him like a knife, and the prisoner was frightened and fell to the ground immediately.
the
At this time, my father's eyes shine brightly, as if I was there, and I will feel the murderous look in my father's eyes again, with a little fear in my admiration. But my father's eyes are not always sharp and piercing, there are also times when they are as calm as water. Most of the time, the father is kind to his children, with a smile in his eyes, like a warm lake. But there are also harsh times, such as when we made a mistake, and what I fear most at this time is my father's gaze.
the
At that time, I was in the third grade. One afternoon, I was free from class. On the way to school, after a discussion with some friends, I ran to the mountain behind the school to pick up jujubes. I thought it was just us, but who would have thought that many students in the class thought the same as us, and there were only a few students left in the class during class? As you can imagine, the parents of the students who skipped classes were invited to the school. My father claimed me and took me home, and I was terrified. When we got home, my father sat on a chair, poured himself a cup of tea, and drank it slowly. I stood in the middle of the floor, not daring to look at him, although in the end he only said, "Be careful next time, students should also Organize and be disciplined", but I have already felt his gaze blowing several whirlwinds above my head. This is the first time since I can remember that I avoided my father's gaze.
the
The second time was when I was in college. I had sudden appendicitis and was sent to the hospital by my classmates in the middle of the night. My father was out of town due to a case and couldn't come here, so the teacher signed the operation. At that time, I was young and ignorant of the world, and I couldn't store grievances and pains in my heart, and I didn't think much about other people's positions. In short, I felt that the world should be centered on me, although there was no reason for it. When my father came over the next afternoon, besides the wound, I also felt pain in my heart and felt that my father didn't love me enough. Hearing my father asking people outside the ward, I pretended to be asleep and closed my eyes. The accompanying classmate wanted to call me, but he hurriedly stopped him and said, "I must be tired from the pain, let her sleep for a while." This sentence aroused grievance in my heart. The closed eyes flowed out. When he asked his classmates about his condition in a low voice, my tears had already wet a large pillow area. Father only had an hour and a half, and he had to hurry back to deal with the case. Before leaving, he tucked the corners of my quilt, touched my feet, said that the water was cold, and asked my classmates to buy me a hot water bottle. He touched my face again and touched my tears. I felt his eyes lovingly and sadly lingering on my face, but I closed my eyes firmly and did not open them.
the
When my father walked out of the ward, I burst into tears. My classmate persuaded me, "Your father seems to be very sad. He must be very sad when you are like this." I cried even harder because I thought, yes, I avoided the love my father wanted to express with his eyes. What he saw was his daughter who closed her eyes and refused to communicate with him, as if seeing a pool of stagnant water, he must be very sad.
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When my father was 84 years old, he fell ill and was hospitalized. It was not very serious, but he had a cough and asthma. My arrival made my father happy like a child, and most of his illness was cured. Because of work, I had to return on the third day. Before leaving, I went to the hospital to see him. I held my father's hand and told him to cooperate with the treatment and eat well. His gaze looks at me for a while and looks away for a while. His eyes have long lost their sharpness, but they are still bright. He urged me to go quickly, saying that the journey is far away, and don't delay, but his eyes showed reluctance. When I stood up, I lowered my eyelids to avoid his looking at me. I was afraid of receiving that deep nostalgia and couldn't leave. Unexpectedly, this parting made me a lifelong regret, and my father left us forever in the early morning of the next day.
the
Facing my father's stiff body and closed eyes, I knew that I could no longer respond to the kindness, sternness, and even weakness in his eyes. No amount of tears can bring it back. This is a deep, irreparable fault. Now when I think of my father's voice and smile, the first thing I think of is still his unusual gaze and the three times of evasion that cannot be erased.