The Burden of Fatherhood

What should a father do the moment he discovers he's getting sexually attracted to his daughter? To start with: are there dads who are currently in this state?

Damn! This doesn't sound reasonable! And it is not a pleasant topic either that normal people should be discussing!

Really?

But are there girls who have been sexually violated by their fathers? Are there men who are currently sleeping with their daughters? How did they get to this point?

I guess, we all have had our answers to these questions. So, is it out of place: I mean is it a misnomer for a father to speak up and seek for help the moment he sensed he's finding his daughter sexually attractive?

That was the focus of my conversation with a dad recently. I'll love to reserve full details of my conversation with him as much as possible in this post. Needless to say though that the things we discussed revealed some of the many struggles albeit secret issues we have to deal with as men and fathers. Unfortunately, our society has not been well developed to address and deal with these issues albeit objectively.

Some of us might even say "why should he find his daughter sexually attractive in the first place?".

Well, I really can't dwell on that mystery now. Cos even this dad seems lost as to how he got to this juncture. But he definitely understands what can happen when a sore is covered, hidden away from people and perfumed just so it can smell nice. He knows hence he's eager to discuss and expose this sore to the therapeutic effect of sharing.

But there is snag!

"I can bet you that if I tell my wife everything I just told you, it might change the colour of our relationship", this father lamented. " It is either she'll start taking our children along with her each time I'm at home and she going out or she'll start doing childish things all in the pretence that she doesn't want to create room for anything untoward".

For me, this sounded unpleasant and regrettable. In fact, it was disturbing.

"Why would your wife not be able to reason and have an elevated conversation with you on an issue such as this if you open up to her," I asked.

Incidentally, this gentleman had shared with his wife some weaknesses he's been able to overcome years ago and he's found himself in a situation where he's reminded of such weaknesses when he does something akin to a relapse even when it is not the case. So, it becomes understandable when he feels reluctant to discuss with this with his wife and get real with her the first time he found himself 'admiring' his 8-year-old daughter and suddenly... he had an erection!

"Sir, I couldn't believe it. I just knew that was not normal and I immediately ran out of the living room, went to the kitchen, drank a glass of cold water and made a few calls to distract myself", he said.

"Was it what she was wearing? Did she know what was happening? Is she that pretty? Are you having a good a relationship with your wife especially sexually? Is your daughter being seductive?", I kept on and on.

Interestingly, his responses to these questions which to the best of my knowledge could be considered sincere and unquestionable didn't give me any cause for concern. And I believed that if he had a sound wife who is not given to paranoia there isn't really any cause to worry.

All the same, this young father is worried. And needed someone to just pour out his heart to.

If you ask me I think that "someone" should have been his wife just so they can have a safe, non-threatening, non-judgemental, husband and wife conversation about their daughter as it relates to her father.

Sadly, this guy feels his wife is too pedantic and apparently infantile to deal with this issue

"When you tell your wife there is a lady in your office that you suspect is getting uncomfortably close and you would need her to know since you assume it makes you safe and the next thing she's stopping over in your office to see what the girl looks like and give her so-called non-verbal warning that only women would understand, why should I bother telling her this? I really can't predict how it would turn out", this young father hinted.

Interestingly, I'm also short of ideas. If prevention is still better than cure, then this is definitely one issue that requires preventive intervention. But how can a wise woman truly deal with this issue without bringing down her house?

If we must checkmate and prevent incestuous relationships between fathers and daughters, should open conversations about weaknesses and the need for "healthy closeness' and setting of boundaries in a non-judgemental, non-stigmatising and unsuspecting manner not be part of the equation?