Gender Equality vs. Exertion of Power

Girl… Power?

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Yesterday was International Women’s Day and for the most part, I enjoyed the celebratory air that was cast by my friends and family on socialmedia. Especially with the divisive rhetoric of the media and latest scandals within the #MeToo movement, it’s very empowering to see women fight for their individual respect. I personally had a great time going out to dinner with my wife and friends, then ending the evening with the Wonder Woman movie (which is bloody awesome).

But of course, holidays can’t just be about celebration. International Women’s day also seems a time for people to make personal attacks and overgeneralized statements. Like this one -

Original article and image source

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What seems like a well-meaning titled article is nothing but a severely misguided monologue. I thought it would be fun to challenge my own opinions and respond to the list of 100 things men should/should not do.

Why do I do this to myself…

Here we go!

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***All sentences after a number are the author's original claims and the sentence(s) following the line break are my immediate responses.

1- Before explaining something to a woman, ask yourself if she might already understand. She may know more about it than you do.

Why is the onus on the explainer to question whether the other person already understands or not? Why can’t the responsibility be on the hearer to have the agency to say “I understand that.” Are listeners powerless?

2- Related: Never, ever try to explain feminism to a woman.

Why? Can a scholar of religion not explain Christianity to Christians? Or an economist explain Asian markets to Asians? Why do you assume a person completely understands an ideology due to their gender?

3- Trans women are women. Repeat that until you perish.

No. This is not true in many ways. They are not women biologically. They are not women genetically. They are not women in many social and professional situations like sports, for instance. Your identity is not determined by you internally, it is determined by external valuations and metrics as well.

4- RESPECT PEOPLE’S PRONOUNS. It’s not hard.

Not if those pronouns are forced upon you (as in this comment with all caps) as compelled speech and implied that the lack of their use is “violence” or “hate speech.” What if by law you were forced to refer to me as “herzimzobsoobemananihim” instead of “he/him?”

5- Remember that fat women exist and aren’t all trying to get thin. Treat them with respect.

But in a civilized society based on scientific rigor and the pursuit of knowledge, we must come to a consensus that being overweight/obese is not an ideal and actual harmful to overall mental condition of a community/nation. We should condemn hatred towards them but we should not pretend that just simply having fat women/people without a bodily goal to strive for is OK.

6- In fact, just never comment on a woman's body.

Why? We cannot compliment? We cannot encourage a female friend to lose weight because we know that it will ultimately be good for them? Why do you support tabooed speech?

7- Be kind to women in customer service positions. Tip them extra. (But not in a creepy way.)

Why? Why should we go out of our way to purposefully treat a female differently than a male? Men do not enjoy these positions anymore than women.

8- Trust women. When they teach you something, don't feel the need to go and check for yourself. And especially do not Google it in front of them.

WHAT? Why should we trust anyone and not verify anything when we feel the need to have it verified? I agree that you shouldn’t be facetious and openly distrust them to make a point, but I’m supposed to believe everything you say, ever?

9- Don’t maintain a double standard for… anything, ever.

Agreed.

10- CLOSE YOUR LEGS ON PUBLIC TRANSIT, OH MY GOD.

Try walking around with half a pound of flesh between your legs for a day.

11- Trying to describe a woman positively? Say she's “talented,” “clever,” or “funny.” Not “gorgeous,” “sweet,” or “cute.”

What?

12- Examine your language when talking about women. Get rid of “irrational,” “dramatic,” “bossy,” and “badgering”
immediately.

Your whole list takes on a very dramatic and bossy tone in my mind. I would have said that regardless of knowing the sex of the author. It’s presumptuous and takes a high air of authority while being wildly inconsistent.

13- Don't think to yourself, I describe men like that too. A) You probably don't. B) If you do, it's to criticize them for acting like a woman.

A) How do you know? Do you read minds? B) What?

14- Do you love “fiery” Latina women? “Strong” Black women? “Mysterious” Asian women? Stop. Pick up a book on decolonial feminism. Read.

Ironically enough, I see feminist extremists using these types of vocabulary much more than the average person. Mysterious Asian woman? As an Asian male, I’ve never ever heard this before.

15- Stop calling women “feisty.” We don't need a special lady word for “has an opinion.”

But those two are not the same thing. If you act feisty, you are feisty. If you have an opinion, you have an opinion.

16- Recognize women's credibility when you introduce them. “Donna is lovely” is much less useful than “Donna knows shitloads about architecture.”

What? Is not having a ‘lovely’ personality a desirable characteristic? Those two are not mutually exclusive.

17- Think about how you describe the young women in your family. Celebrate them for being funny and smart, not for being pretty and compliant.

Compliant?? Who has EVER described a woman, much less a female family member, as “compliant?”

18- Examine the way you talk about women you’re attracted to. Fat women, old women, queer, trans, and powerful women are not your “guilty crush.”

What? What?

19- Learn to praise a woman without demonizing other women. “You're not like other girls” is not a compliment. I want to be like other girls. Other girls are awesome.

The absolute same can be said for how women talk about men. You don’t say general statements like “all men are as*holes”? “You’re not like other guys.” Regardless of sex, this isn’t meant to demean other women. It’s to put you up on higher standing and make you feel special.

20- Share writing by women. Don't paraphrase their work in your own Facebook post to show us all how smart or woke you are. I guarantee the woman said it better in the first place.

No. I will share whatever I want to share. And why? Does the extra X chromosome generate better writers?

21- Buy sanitary pads and tampons and donate them to a homeless shelter. Just do it.

Context?

22- How much of what you are watching/reading/listening to was made by women? Gender balance your bookcase.

Is 12.3% of your literature, movie-viewing, and music preferences generated by black people? Is 0.3% of that generated by transgendered individuals? Do you see how your way of thinking is considered cultural fascism?

23- Feeling proud of your balanced bookcase? Are there women of color there? Trans, queer, and disabled women? Poor women? Always make sure you’re being intersectional.

Ooooo, kudos for getting ahead of me there. But again, I’ll choose my books, mmkay?

24- Don't buy media that demeans women’s experiences, valorizes violence against women, or excludes them entirely from a cast. It's not enough to oppose those things. You have to actively make them unmarketable.

I have never seen media that does this. This seems unreal.

25- Pay attention to stories with nuanced female characters. It will be interesting, I promise.

Like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter? Ok. Like Jane Eyre in… Jane Eyre? Sure. But Amy Schumer in Trainwreck? See how your absolutist statements hold no water?

26- If you read stories to a child, swap the genders.

So let me get this straight. You’re asking me to undermine the artistic integrity of the author just… because? Because of your personal perspective? #culturalfascism

27- Watch women's sport. And just call it “sports.”

Place a gun to my head and I still won’t watch what you want me to watch.

28- Withdraw your support from sports clubs, institutions, and companies that protect and employ rapists and abusers.

This is fairly actionable and a reasonable piece of advice. Then again, it depends how we’re determining who are ‘abusers’. I believe in rehabilitation and if a convicted offender has served their sentence, I think we should condone the employment.

29- Stop raving about Woody Allen. I don't care if he shits gold. Find a non-accused-abuser to fanboy over.

We can still appreciate a person’s work divorced from their personal lives.

30- It's General Leia, not princess. The Doctor has a companion, not an assistant. It's Doctor Bartlett, not Mrs Madame First Lady.

Nope, no, what? Again, artistic integrity.

31- Cast women in parts written for men. We know how to rule kingdoms, go to war, be, not be, and wait for Godot.

Again, artist'ss integrity.

32- Pay for porn.

Nope. It’s 2018. And I’m really curious why this is a solution to any problem? Women are the highest earners in porn by a long shot.

33- Recognize that sex work is work. Be an advocate for and ally to sex workers without speaking for them.

Why can we not speak for them? Why can we not contribute our perspective on an issue that actually affects a tremendous amount of men?

34- Share political hot takes from women as well as men. They might not be as widely accessible, so look for them.

What?

35- Understand that it was never “about ethics in journalism.”

What?

36- Speak less in meetings today to make space for your women colleagues to share their thoughts. If you're leading the meeting, make sure women are being heard as much as men.

You’re condoning actually patriarchal and patronizing behavior. Do you believe women do not have personal agency?

37- If a woman makes a good point, say, “That was a good point.” Don't repeat her point and take credit for it.

I’ve heard this myth repeated ad nauseum. I personally have never witnessed this and it seems a fictional remnant of movies past.

38- Promote women. Their leadership styles may be different than yours. That's probably a good thing.

Promote who is qualified. Do not make decisions based on another’s gender

39- Recruit women on the same salary as men. Even if they don't ask for it.

Absolutely not. Employers have the right to recruit anyone for the least possible salary they can commit to. The responsibility is on the individual to negotiate higher pay. Seeing that women are 1/8th as likely to ask for a raise, the solution should be to encourage and educate women to pursue them better.

40- Open doors for women with caring responsibilities by offering flexible employment contracts.
This connects with the above point. An employer’s responsibility is to keep things as lean and fast moving as possible. They have no responsibility in ensuring your personal comfort and assuming what might be best for you.

41- If you meet a man and a woman at work, do not assume the man is the superior for literally no reason.

Stop watching bad movies from the 70s .

42- If you're wrongly assumed to be more experienced than a woman colleague, correct that person and pass the platform to the woman who knows more.

What?

43- Make a round of tea for the office.

No, I have work to do. Bossy.

44- Wash it up.

What?

45- If you find you're only interviewing men for a role, rewrite the job listing so that it’s more welcoming to women.

Men are better suited on average for certain jobs. And why cannot an employer prefer a gender for a certain role? I’d rather have a male bodyguard. I’d rather have a male actor playing Romeo. I’d rather my father maintaining his gender as a man when operating as my father.

46- Make sure you have women on your interview panel.

An interview for what job, what position, what company, what anything? I’m starting to get really tired of these hyper-general mandates that don’t take in any nuances other than MORE WOMEN.

47- Tell female colleagues what your salary is.

Holy sh*t.

48- Make sure there's childcare at your events.

If you’re expecting mother’s to bring children, I can get behind this.

49- Don't schedule breakfast meetings during the school run.

That’s up to the company to decide. Must a 50-person meeting avoid a time due to one mother running late?

50- If you manage a team, make sure that your employees know that you recognize period pain and cystitis as legitimate reasons for a sick day.

Hell yes sista.

51- If you have a strict boss (or mom or teacher) who is a woman, she is not a “bitch.” Grow up.

Sure, strict is strict. But she can also be a “bitch.”

52- Expect a woman to do the stuff that's in her job description. Not the other miscellaneous shit you don't know how to do yourself.

Expect an independent women to be able to refuse mundane and trivial tasks instead of having no individual agency.

53- Refuse to speak on an all-male panel.

Why? Do they not speak your language?

54- In a Q&A session, only put your hand up if you have A QUESTION. Others didn’t attend to listen to you.

What?

55- If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against trans or non-binary people, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for cis women, too.)

This doesn’t just got for a certain group. This goes for all human decency. Don’t use slurs, don’t discriminate. I love the convenient adding of your own identity as a ‘cis woman’, just cuz.

56- If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against women of other races, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for white women, too.)

I see what you did there ;)

57- If you see women with their hands up, put yours down. This can be taken as a metaphor for a lot of things. Think about it.

What? What?

58- Raising a feminist daughter means she's going to disagree with you. And probably be right. Feel proud, not threatened.

Hahaha. You’re asking everyone to assume that their daughter will be right about everything regardless of age and experience, just due to their sex and ideology?

59- Teach your sons to listen to girls, give them space, believe them, and elevate them.

To what degree? Compared to who? More so than certain groups?

60- Dads, buy your daughter tampons, make her hot water bottles, wash her bras. Show her that her body isn't something to be ashamed of.

I understand the sentiment behind this and I actually think this one could be expanded upon more to generated meaningful conversation rather than an unexplained mandate.

61- But dads, do not try to iron her bras. This is a mistake you will only make once.

This is the best piece of advice in this list thus far.

62- Examine how domestic labor is divided in your home. Who does the cleaning, the childcare, the organizing, the meal budgeting? Sons, this goes for you, too.

I get can behind this.

63- Learn how to do domestic tasks to a high standard. “I'd only do it wrong” is a bullshit excuse.

Agreed.
64- Never again comment on how long it takes a woman to get ready. WE ARE TRYING TO MEET THE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS OF A SYSTEM YOU BENEFIT FROM.

This one is severely misguided and really highlights the inherent hypocrisy in this far leftist post. Do you have agency or not? Are you going to submit to systems you disagree with or not?

65- Challenge the patriarchs in your religious group when they enable the oppression of women.
Every religion is predicated on a patriarchy of some kind. That’s one of the reasons why young people gravitate away from religion.

66- Challenge the patriarchs in your secular movement when they enable the oppression of women.

How do we recognize “patriarchs” and the “enablements?” This is a slightly skeptical question but still a question I would like to hear a legitimate response to. And don’t say MEN.

67- Trust women's religious choices. Don't pretend to liberate them just so you can criticise their beliefs.

I can trust whomever I wish to trust. I don’t typically trust overly religious people regardless of sex.

68- Examine who books your trips, arranges outings, organizes Christmas, buys birthday cards. Is it a woman? IS IT?

No, not at all. And what if it was a woman? What if they enjoyed it?

69- And if it is actually you, a man, don't even dare get in touch with me looking for your medal.

What? I honestly think you should consult a medical expert.

70- Take stock of the emotional labor you expect from women. Do you turn to the women around you for emotional support and give nothing in return?

What?

71- Remember that loving your mom/sister/girlfriend is not the same as giving up your own privilege to progress equality for women. And that gender inequality extends beyond the women in your direct social group.

Oh boy… I’m surprised it took until #71 for the word “privilege” to be shoved out without explanation.

72- Don’t assume that all women are attracted to men.

I understand the minority issue of transgendered and homosexual individuals, but women attracted to men make up the vast vast majority of the female population. I think a general assumption is not only ok but arguably necessary.

73- Don’t assume that a woman in public wants to talk to you just because she’s in public.

I can get behind this.

74- If a woman tells you she was raped, assaulted, or abused, don't ask her for proof. Ask how you can support her.

NOPE. NO NO NO. ASK FOR PROOF. ESPECIALLY if she accuses or implies someone. All three of those are some of the severest accusations to make to another person, particularly a man in this social climate. Innocent until proven guilty.

75- If you see a friend or colleague being inappropriate to a woman, call him out. You will survive the awkwardness, I promise.

Don’t call him out. Talk to him/her in private. Strike up a civil conversation before gathering hay for a witch burning.

76- Repeat after me: Always. Hold. Men. Accountable. For. Their. Actions.

I agree. But surely you’re not implying that women should not be held accountable?

77- Do not walk too close to a woman late at night. That shit can be scary.

Oh hell yea, I can get behind this.

78- If you see a woman being followed or otherwise bothered by a stranger, stick around to make sure she’s safe.

This is a VERY solid piece of advice and should be encouraged regardless of gender. Kudos on a more nuanced and rational piece of advice.

79- This should go without saying: Do not yell unsolicited “compliments” at women on the street. Or anywhere.

I can get behind this.

80- If you are a queer man, recognize that your sexuality doesn’t exclude you from potential misogyny.

If you are a woman, recognize that you may be misandrist.

81- If you are a queer man, recognize that your queer women or non-binary friends may not feel comfortable in a male-dominated space, even if it’s dominated by queer men.

“Male-dominated.”

82- Be happy to have women friends without needing them to want to sleep with you. The “friend zone” is not a thing. We do not owe you sex.

Nobody has ever said someone “owes them sex.” That’s some severe brain-twisting.

83- Remember that you can lack consent it situations not involving sex—such as when pursuing uninterested women or forcing a hug on a colleague.

Oh for sure I can get behind this.

84- Champion sex positive women but don't expect them to have sex with you.

Hahaha. Amen.

85- Trust a woman to know her own body. If she says she won't enjoy part of your sexual repertoire, do not try to convince her otherwise.

I think we can allow some convincing and only adhere to the general rule that “no means no.”

86- Be sensitive to nonverbal cues from women, especially around sex. We’re not just being awkward for no reason. (You read “Cat Person,” didn’t you?)

No, I didn’t read “Cat Person.” And in order to make us more aware of universal nonverbal cues, you need to be more specific and explanatory.

87- It is not cute to try to persuade a woman to have sex with you. EVER. AT ALL. Go home.

It’s not cute but isn’t that the whole way the human race propagates? Doesn’t there need to be some persuasion?

88- Same goes for pressuring women to have sex without a condom. Go. Home. And masturbate.

I can get behind this.

89- Accidentally impregnated a women who doesn't want a kid? Abortions cost money. Pay for half of it.

I can definitely get behind this.

90- Accidentally came inside a woman without protection? Plan B is expensive. Pay for all of it.

Depends on the consent of both sides to have unprotected sex. But sure, in the case that the man was more insisting and this happened, I feel the responsibility is on the male.

91- Get STD tested. Regularly. Without having to be asked.

Amen! Everyone should do this.

92- Examine your opinion on abortion. Then put it in a box. Because, honestly, it's completely irrelevant.

Nope. Everyone’s opinion on abortion is important and valid. This goes back to #2 on this list.

93- Understand that disabled women are whole, sexual human beings. Listen to and respect them.

I’ll respect them if they seem like they deserve respect. They could be a “bitch” after all.

94- Understand that not all women have periods or vaginas.

In the eyes of science, all women have vaginas with exception of a few aberrations. Now, if you’re referring to men who believe themselves to be women, that’s of a whole different category and that categorization depends heavily on the context it is being labeled.

95- Believe women's pain. Periods hurt. Endometriosis is real. Polycystic ovaries, vaginal pain, cystitis. These things are real. Hysteria isn’t.

I agree 100% here but it seems severely hypocritical that we have to be fully empathetic yet you cannot consider for 1 minute why men don’t want to squeeze their testicles together in a vice grip on the train.

96- If a woman accidentally bleeds on you, try your absolute best to just keep you shit together.

Definitely agreed.

97- Lobby your elected officials to implement high quality sex education in schools.

Amen!

98- Uplift young Black and Indigenous girls at every possible opportunity. No excuses.

Another mandate? I thought we were way past that. No, I will uplift who I believe should be uplifted, not discriminately due to the color of a person’s skin.

99- Do not ever assume you know what it’s like.

I don’t think many people assume to know what something is like without experiencing. I think many people have at least half a brain and are able to fathom similar circumstances and emotional responses.

100- Mainly, just listen to women. Listen to us and believe us. It’s the only place to start if you actually want all women to have a “Happy International Women’s Day.”

Nope. It depends on what is to believed. I do not believe a woman when they demand mandates on my behavior. I do not listen to a woman when they act like a “bitch”. This goes beyond just women and the same exact rubric applies to men, transgendered people, homosexuals, minorities, and so on. Just be a respectful, decent person.

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Whew! And there’s the end folks. It astounds me that someone took the 1 day out of the year to celebrate women’s day and this airing of personal grievances is the way the author Beckett decided to do it. I actually agree on roughly 10-15% of what has been said, but as with many articles like this, it devolves from a well-meaning post to one that is fairly offensive and unproductive, laced with personal experiences that do not make sense to most people. Many of them I’m just completely lost on due to the author’s personal injection of hyper specific experiences that probably cannot be translated to others. Most of these are severe mandates that ask someone to behave strictly in a certain way depending on the other person’s gender or ethnicity. This is supremely sexist and racist practice in my opinion.

Just to clarify my position, I believe women (and all minorities or groups feeling a sense of oppression) should strive to be independent and empowered, not self-subject to group-think and falling onto an anxious crutch of generalized accusations. I believe it’s a disservice to individuals to treat them as powerless, even though they might have less power or confidence in certain situations. Solutions are not brought about by brute force. They are concluded on through discourse and mutual understanding.

Anyway, what do you think? I think I got some good self-thinking out of this exercise and I’m curious to hear your responses. For now, I’m gonna go back to watching Gal Gadot kick some ass.