Immortality (Short Story)

danonymouswriter (33) in fiction • 7 years ago

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So, the king seeks the power of immortality. He had a son incase he couldn’t so the son could take on the search. He had made sure that his son would agree, that when the time comes, if the king found that power before he die, the son would not be needed.

Now, General Gavinne also had a son, Major Gavinne. The major and the Prince were close friends since they were only boys. The general hoped that one day his son would take his place by the prince’s side if the prince would take the throne, of course, he knew the king’s plan as well.

When the prince and Major Gavinne were at the age of around 20ish, the king had found what he was looking for. He summoned his son. In the throne room, the king said nothing but walked to the prince and pierce the prince’s abdomen with his dagger. The prince knew right away, he only smiled and said “I see, congratulations...father..” before he died.

Major Gavinne saw the scene and in panic, he drew his sword and went for the king. Only to be stopped by his father, the general. The General told his son to join him on the journey with the promise of immortality, his son refused.

The father and son then fought. The battle went all the way from the castle to the town square. It was long and bloody. The major only got chased by his father’s sword. With all he had left, he continued to fight back at the square before to get his sword knocked away and killed by his own father.

The sword went through his chest and stuck on the large tree at the town. The Major watched as his father walked away without looking back as he die there.

The quest to live forever took a greedy avatar; and the price was the blood and the shadow to serve the bloody desire of the immortality.

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If you like it, please kindly upvote, comment and resteem this post to help me grow on Steemit.

@danonymouswriter

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7 years ago by danonymouswriter (33)

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6 votes

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reggaemuffin (66) · 7 years ago

Sorry, not my type of story. At the current length it is only good for it's takeaway lesson and I honestly have nothing to take away from it.

If you would make it less a fairytale and more a story, you could elaborate on:
• How could they find immortality?
• How are the two father-son groups linked?
• Was the King really immortal and what are the rules of that?
• How does the world look like? Currently the story is pretty lifeless and adding more fluff and extra details could help. Make the characters actual people with their own personality instead of them being chess pieces for the story.

Hope this helps 😊

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3 votes

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danonymouswriter (33) · 7 years ago (edited)

Thank you very much, @reggaemuffin! This was my first fiction writing. But I understand that I forgot those important points you've mentioned.

Thank you so much for taking the time to guide me! :) I very much appreciate it. And I will wrote another fiction keeping all those points in my mind. ☺

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steemitboard (66) · 7 years ago

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steemitboard (66) · 6 years ago

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steemitboard (66) · 5 years ago

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