I am a man who knows nothing of the simple parts of life. I have worked hard and lived hard. I was not raised in a loving, caring, supportive family. I was not abused or neglected, just completely ignored. There was no warm welcome after school or questions of my likes and dislikes. There were never family dinners or Christmas’s. There was never even a tree to put presents under, if we would have been given any. My parent’s philosophy was children are to be seen and not heard; to raise a child if to provide clothing, a roof over their head, and food. The child can find the rest or live without it, those are luxuries. I completed high school and went to work at a factory. I left my house at 18 and never looked back. I could not tell you if my parents or siblings neither are alive or dead, nor do I think much about it. I never married and no children, as I believed I have never had anything to offer them. Love, compassion, hugs, kisses are not a normal reaction for me, so to try and provide it was not something I knew I could do. So, instead of placing my life upon another, I refused. This was just the life I was given and I have learned to make the best out of it.
There are times as I sit on my porch, watching families walk down my street that I wonder if you can exit this life and move to a new one? Religions speak of reincarnation and how you can keep living lives over and over until you live a pure life. What exactly is that? Would that be me living with loving, warm parents? Learning how to care and cherish and give a good life to another. Learning to love and be loved. Moving on into life and finding my life that I was meant to live, my dreams? I wonder, if I die by my hand or another, could I come back and keep living life over and over until I get my dream life? This thought sometimes over takes me.
I could be standing on a street corner and I see the bus coming down the block and I think, step out and let it take you. This life, these thoughts, this misery would be over. I could start again and know what I know now and redo life. I go to my local bar every Friday and have four beers and listen to the other men talk of their lives. They have wives, children, and women on the side, friends, favorite sports teams, good jobs, and love. I think stand up and start a fight and in the middle just stop and let them kick, stomp, and punch me till I die. You may be allowed to switch your life for theirs, become what you see in them. I stop just before, the fear of not starting over in a different life, being punished to live my life over and over, due to the taking of my own life. I now wait for life to take me by disease, car accident, and work accident. Day after day I wait and nothing. Nothing happens and I am here waiting and in complete misery.
Is this what life is suppose to be? Is this why the miracle of birth is supposed to provide? What is the meaning? What is the lesson that we are to learn? I have tried in my early 20’s to move past the life I was given and try to love and be in the normal world. It ended very badly. I could not communicate; I could not caress or show emotion. I wanted the lady I was with and I wanted a future with her; but I could not be what she wanted me to be and she could not understand my feelings. It ended with her in tears, begging me to move past it and me showing nothing and her leaving. I felt nothing with her tears or begging, I just wanted her to stop and realized that life is not this, it’s just nothing.
Today is my 34th year in this life and I had my annual physical and my doctor again said I look in perfect health. To that I know that I will endure yet another year in this life, to no change or relief. The quilt of praying for my end is difficult to bear and my doctor suggested psychology therapy to help me work through these feelings. Therapy did not work the last time I approached it, it will most likely not work this time. All that I feel will work and end these thoughts is death.
Five years have passed and I have been granted my wish. Cancer has invaded my body and has begun to kill me. The doctor has recommended treatments and said it will give me more time, but not a cure. More time is not my goal of this life and to that no therapies will be sought. The doctor has assured me it will be quick and quite painful, why wouldn’t it be? The thoughts were painful, the lack of love, warmth, and being able to love, were painful. Watching others, less deserving, have the life I dreamed of was painful. Why wouldn’t my death be painful as well?
The end is here and I have entered what my doctor has called the final phase. The months leading me here were of the worst pain and have realized more about this life, in this short time, than I ever imagined. I am in a home and being looked after by strangers. I have reached out, in a desperate attempt to reach my siblings, to be rejected. I felt I could convey what I have learned and in hopes to spare them. The never responded to my requests and with that I know they more than likely feel the same as I do. As I entered a hospice and know I will die alone with strangers outside my door; there will be no tears, no funeral, no family to miss or care, I realized that the life I was given was the beginning. It was not my end.
I should have kept going, fighting, learning, not observing, not condemning. I should have made myself love, to learn to love back, to show the emotions others desired, to learn to feel and be comfortable with receiving it all. If I would have fought to live as hard as I did to die I would be alive. Life would have been pleasant and good, instead of dead and miserable. I did not need to concentrate on dying or praying for my death, I was already dead. The lesson I hope to leave behind, with the one nurse who listens to my rambling. A nurse I do not know her name, but she is young and I hope she takes it to heart. Is to move on, forget the bad and run, scrape, fight, bite to get the good. Fight like hell and run as fast as you can to it. It is your survival, your legacy, your love.
Thumb nail Image from http://www.eternityrace.com/2014/04/the-danger-of-hell-fire.html
Hey! This is the first post of yours I've read and you had me hooked. It is indeed a horror story - but not your usual one of zombies and mass murderers. But still, a horror of the ultimate in regrets that we can all relate too.
It reminded me of something I read once. It was a guy who survived a suicide attempt of jumping off the Golden Gate bridge. He said, the second he jumped he realised that absolutely everything in his life was, in fact, fixable. Everything that is, except for jumping off the Golden Gate bridge...
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I am so pleased this is getting some replies. I am working on something new as we speak and will start one or two new series tonight. I hope everyone enjoys them as they did this one.
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Fabulous! Look forward to reading more. Always nice to find good writers here.
I recently stumbled across @ezzy. He writes some seriously good shorts stories/novellas. :)
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Thanks for the words of encouragement and leading me to @ezzy as well.
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Sure thing!
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I put some new darker ones up, enjoy.
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Wonderful! Thanks for letting me know... I'll pop over shortly. :)
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Christ that was dark! Those are feelings we all feel in some degree so those words could resonate with anyone. I wonder how many deathbed revelations, regrets fall on the ears of strangers. Great ending and a kick up the arse for the chronic negative thinker! Brilliant mate!
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Thanks man, just trying something different to see how it goes over with the crowd here.
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Is this about the DUFUS THAT GOES TO THE LIGHT , AND IS REINCARNATED INTO THIS HUMAN SLAVE FARM AGAIN DESPITE NUMEROUS WARNINGS , but the aliens forget to erase his past life memories ?
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LOL, what?
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This is what the HOPI "indians" of North America believe
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Never heard of them before..........
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Wow best post I have read so far.
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I have been off to a slow start as I'm getting my feet back under me writing. Thank you for stopping by and the kind words.
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Thank you for the story lol
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I'm crying..
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Sorry........but........awesome. Thank you, this is making wanting to write more much easier.
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OMG, I thought this text was about real experiences, but you posted it in fiction. Anyway if a part of you or anyone passing by feels like this, you should try FasterEFT. With this technique you really can switch your life and your memories and begin a new life. There are a lot of free videos on YouTube and the stories are incredible...
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Great fiction is supposed to read as non-fiction I was always told unless it's science fiction or fantasy. This is just a short horror story I am working on.
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@originalworks
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told ya, just try it, that material thing.
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I have learned a few lessons I omitted from this entry. It was around 5am and I wanted to get it up before I just deleted it and began again.
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@erodedthoughts got you a $7.49 @minnowbooster upgoat, nice! (Image: pixabay.com)
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I guess this is the kind of account that comes from having 10 kids =P
Very good read, one of the best ones on here
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lol, are you saying I live in fantasy land because my kids drive me mad?
Thanks for reading, it's a pleasure when some of the older respected members stop in and comment.
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This post has received a 2.98 % upvote from @buildawhale thanks to: @erodedthoughts. Send at least 0.50 SBD to @buildawhale with a post link in the memo field for a portion of the next vote.
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Did you like this post? @acidyo
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