At age 58, I resigned myself to the fact that I am relationship-challenged. It is time to re-evaluate my life; where I have been, where I am at, and where I want to go. I no longer have the need to prove my love or prove I am lovable to anyone. I am ok with being alone focusing on recapturing my high school dream of finishing college.
My 40th-year class reunion was coming up. I have not been to any of the previous ones; maintaining a conscious effort not to revisit memories of those years gone by. I have not even been in touch with my best friends from high school since graduation. Whatever “Power” of influence took over my actions, I knew I had to go. Perhaps some residual sentiment that needs closure; before I could rationalize my reasons, I found myself writing the check and sending in my RSVP.
I was a reserved, studious, soft spoken and a bit passive teenager who never drank, smoked or partied at a time when it was popular to smoke pot, party in parks with flowers in the hair and mimicking hippie free love slogans. As a matter of fact I went to school, worked 40 hours a week, and paid room and board; never learning how to play.
The Universal Laws prove true. For every action there must be a reaction. Contact was made with high school friends, finding myself on Facebook. Being a very private person, there is absolutely nothing I want to share with my re-establishing network of high school friends. My non specific postings quickly produced 300 reconnects of which Lamar was one of.
I remember Lamar well from high school. The class clown, his own special chair in the principal’s office; usually for skipping class that he always aced out anyway or fist fighting over a girl in the parking lot. He had no shortage of admirers; students, girls, or teachers. His non-stop sense of humor left many with side aches from laughing. He literally could “talk the mad hungry dog” off the meat wagon with nothing but a pat on the head, a smile on his face, and a “good boy” in exchange. The most we ever said to one another was “hi” when passing in the hallways or classroom.
He sent me a message that he was going to be in town to visit his daughter, and wanted to know if it would be ok for him to stop by and say “hi” in person. I was really getting the hang of all this reconnecting and agreed. He showed up on my doorstep with that smile that would melt the icebergs and big bear hug.
We spent the evening reminiscing over our high school years, going through the yearbook, laughing, and recapping the last 40 years. Time flew by; it was the wee hours of the morning¸ I offered him the guest room. Before the end of the next day we shared a connection that was like that of friends who picked up where they left off lifetimes ago, without missing a beat. With a blink of an eye we are gliding into a partnership that is like a time machine taking us back to the age of invincibility, love, excitement, and teaching me how to play; boldly claiming credit for waking the dragon in me.
We spent the next few months tallying up our “to do” lists, combining and reshuffling. He lived on his family farm four hours away in the western part of the State. He moved back from Kansas to take care of his father with Alzheimer, who died the year prior. The tears in his eyes confirmed the closeness they shared and the pain of loss he struggled with whenever he talked about him. Sadness would appear in his eyes as he looked at me and say¸ “whenever our time comes for us, I hope I go first.”
A person just does not get to be to our age and not have some baggage to unpack. We plotted, planned, and laughing as we started the unpacking of both our bags. Lamar is a very worldly man, master at turning trash into cash, a computer geek who has the gift of dotting every “i” and crossing every “t.” He loves proof reading my assignments, sharing intellectual and philosophical thoughts; my mentor and one man cheering squad. He is a compassionate hero using his human body as a cloak across the puddles in life for those who may or may not deserve such chivalry. A master at identifying others’ emotions; but willingly admits he is not always good with expressing his feelings and deep personal thoughts; he would write “they seem to hang up someplace.” He is a passionate man who uses words of songs to explain what and how he feels. Sending me poems and putting sticky notes everywhere saying “Perhaps this says what I cannot express, except by the words of others who are not as spellbound with you, as I” or telling me how much he loves and thanking me for loving him back.
He not only gave me back what I allowed others to take, but brought to surface feelings I did not know even existed. He was on a mission to teach me how to play and I became a willing student. In the process of sharing our individual “honey do” lists between his farm and my house, we did electrical wiring, put insulation in, put up sheet rock, laid floors, painted walls, designed and completed rock gardens, planted gardens, laid on the ground looking at the stars in the rain, partied with our high school friends, laughing over silly things, and sharing our new bucket list of things to do as we grow old together. He had it all planned out, when we turn 100 years old, we were jumping off the bridge together, and he added, “with handcuffs on so there is no changing minds at the last minute.”
Lamar connected with my grandchildren like they were his own. He decided that my city grandchildren needed some country education. They were more than excited to go to the farm. Their grandpa passed away years before they were born. Lamar was a natural in the role of a grandpa. They no longer ran into the house looking for me, they wanted to know where Lamar was. Lamar was planning a great adventure for them over the 4th of July out on the farm. He went to the farm several days before us to prepare his list of activities for them.
It was the big day, July 1; we talked on the phone for an hour going through the list of things I was to bring with me, verifying last minute details before starting the four hour trip there. It was already noon; he added a few things to the list I needed to round up before picking the kids up and getting on the road. I could not wait to see him, butterflies in the tummy and all. The excitement in his voice and teasing about his big surprise he had planned for me was making the anticipation of seeing him rise. Lamar was always surprising me with something. A bouquet of roses he picked from the neighbor’s bush that he claims the neighbor will never miss, to a bubble bath and a glass of wine.
I text him to let him know we were on the road heading his way. I did not get a response. Several more times during the trip I text him, no response. We were a half an hour away; I called him with no response. My mind was blank, there are no thoughts, no strange feelings overcoming me, I am totally void of any emotion. I pulled up in the farmyard; his vehicles were in the driveway. The front door was open. I told the kids to wait in the van and I ran into the house yelling his name, no response. I looked in every room. The coffee pot was full; his phone was on the table next to his cigarettes, so I knew he was close. I sent the kids in the house, I headed for the garage, the barn, out back, and he was nowhere. The camper, he was getting the camper ready, I ran to the camp, swung the door open and got to the top of the step. Lamar was on the floor, face down. Every skill I have been trained and proficient at was of no value. My world stop turning, my life force scattered as the last words he spoke to me kept replaying in my head. “I love you so much; I can’t wait to see you.”
Image Credits: 123RF
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Wonderful fiction you made! keep it up!
By the way, you have been scouted by @promo-mentors. We are always on the look-out for promising authors.
I would like to invite you to our discord group where we are a community that fosters camaraderie and help authors improve their blogging skills where we have mentors that conduct post feedback sessions and other things.
If you have time, do check us out!
https://discord.gg/vDPAFqb.
When you are there send me a message if you get lost! (My Discord name is the same as the one here)
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Thank you so much @andywong31. I really appreciate your kind gesture. Will drop by some time on Discord.
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