A Stupid story

I’ve decided to break the ice with a story I wrote for my stepdaughter a few years ago. It’s about a couple of stuffed animals that went on a ride with me in my truck.

Breaking Stupid: Math Made Easy

A Children's book...

Ping was a penguin. He was all of three and one-half inches tall. Ping spent his days sitting on a shelf in Lauren's bedroom along with fifty-three other small stuffed animals. One day, Lauren's stepfather, Frank, came home from his over-the-road truck driving job with Bob (a stuffed teddy bear) riding in Frank's bag.

Frank explained to Lauren that Bob needed to come home after having been completely unruly on the road. Frank said that Bob should stay at the house for a while as an attitude adjustment since Frank was tired of dealing with Bob. Lauren was aware of Bob's antics as she was updated regularly by Frank while he was on the road. Before Bob's trip on the truck, Lauren had no idea that he, Bob, was such a troublemaker.

"Bob was a serious pain in the butt," Frank said. "He was relatively easy to deal with until the cops got involved..." Frank pulled Bob from his bag and sat Bob back on the shelf. Frank adjusted Bob into what appeared to be a comfortable position. "You," Frank stated sternly to Bob, "Are extremely lucky you didn't land in jail. You may have been a rough and tumble guy on the truck but wouldn't make it five minutes in a prison cell."

"Are you kidding? Bob's tough!" Lauren exclaimed, "He wouldn't take crap from ANY one."

"You know what?" said Frank thoughtfully, "You might just be right. And I'll tell you something, those troopers will definitely think twice before messing with Badass Bob again, that's for sure." Frank looked around the room and started picking up random stuffed animals and placing them back on their designated shelves. He looked around for a while before finally asking, "Well, Lauren, who is my next victim?"

Lauren pulled Ping from the shelf to Frank's right and handed Ping over to Frank. "Take this guy." said Lauren, "He's been sitting here forever."

Frank took the penguin and looked at it closely. He turned Ping over a couple of times. "He seems harmless enough. What's his name?"

"His name is Ping." Lauren advised, "And how did you know Ping was a boy?"

"Uh, I'm, uh, special I guess. I know all kinds of things that most people don't." Frank lied, "Yeah, uh, I went to, like, school and stuff so now I'm, like, a genius and all of that..."

Laren pulled her open hand back and then slapped Frank hard in the back, "Aw shut UP! If you're a genius, then I'm an astronaut AND a brain surgeon!" Lauren slapped Frank in the back again. "Genius! Genius! Genius!" Lauren yelled and she hit Frank over and over. "Yeah, RIGHT!" Lauren concluded as she slapped Frank again. "Yeah, you're sooo smart, that's why Bob got the best of you. Yeah, because you're... a... GENIUS!!!"

"Good grief!" Frank grunted as he grabbed at his back, "Yeah, now I know where Bob gets his attitude. Man, you're awful..."

Lauren laughed and then pushed Frank around the room. "You better bring Ping back in one piece and don't let him get near any firearms, he has a thing for guns, you know?" Lauren advised.

"Great. I'll keep that in mind." Frank replied, "What about spatulas, wooden spoons, and typing paper? Are they any problem? Is he dangerous when he gets his hands on bubble gum? What about lizard brains? Huh? Any problems there???"

Lauren reared back to hit Frank again and when she swung her arm he grabbed Lauren's hand, spun her around and pushed her out of the door of her room. "Time for dinner," Frank said as he nudged her in the proper direction, "Can't be late again. We better get up there soon before Mom has another cow."

" A cow! Yay! I like cows! MOOOOO!!! MOOOO!!! MOOOOOO!!!" Lauren bellowed as she made her way to the kitchen.

Frank stuffed Ping into his bag as he followed the mooing Lauren down the hall. They walked into the kitchen and sat at the dinner table. "MOOOO!!!!" Lauren again exclaimed. Lauren's mom stared at them as if they were completely insane. Frank and Lauren looked at Lauren's Mom, looked each other and then laughed to themselves.

---

"WHERE IN THE NAME OF JAMES TAYLOR ARE YOU GOING? GOOD GRIEF, WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE? WHY AM I SITTING HERE WITH MY BUTT TAPED TO THE DASHBOARD? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO FACE THIS WAY? I WANT TO LOOK OUT THE FRONT! SHUT UP VELVET! AND LEAVE MY WING ALONE!" Ping screeched from the dashboard.

Ping was facing back toward the sleeper of the truck as Frank drove down the road. Velvet was hanging on to Ping's right wing while quietly asking Ping to turn down his voice. Ping continued on, "WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THING HERE? IT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY CRUDDY VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER! STUPID COLORS FOR A GAME CONTROLLER! RED AND YELLOW! STOOOPID!!!"

Frank was beginning to think that it might have been better for Ping had Ping stayed at home, it certainly would have been better for Frank if Ping had stayed home. Frank realized way too late that Ping was a loud-loud-loud-loudmouth. The first night that Ping spent on the truck was spent "sleeping" under Frank's mattress. While Ping's ravings didn't stop, they were at least muffled enough for Frank to get some sleep that night. The lesson of that night was not lost on Ping, Ping learned to quiet down some when Frank was sleeping. Ping also took seriously Frank's threats to have Ping sent home in three separate cardboard boxes if he, Ping, did not shut up at night.

Velvet came on the scene a day or two after Frank brought Ping onto the truck. Frank had found Velvet in a bargain bin at a truck stop. Velvet was a monkey about one-third the size of Ping. Velvet had velcro hands that allowed him to hang onto Ping's wing. Velvet spoke rarely. When Velvet did speak, it was almost in a whisper. Despite Ping's protests, he actually liked Velvet because Velvet was, well, really cute and really quiet. Velvet was a good counterpoint to Ping's big mouth and looney antics.

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT THING! JEEZE, I THINK YOU HIT IT WITH YOUR TRUCK!"

"Good grief, Ping, can you tone it down a bit? What do you mean I hit something?" Frank asked, "There's nobody on the road but us!"

"I'M TELLING YOU IT WAS HUGE! I THINK IT WAS AN ANTELOPE! YEAH, AN ANTELOPE! A BIG ANTELOPE! HEY! WHAT THE HECK KIND OF WORD IS ANTELOPE, ANYWAY? SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOUR DAD'S SISTER DID WITH A GUY IN A BAR OR SOMETHING! 'HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER, DUDE? DID YOUR ANTELOPE?' HA! HA! HA! HAA! HAAAA! HAA!!" Ping yelled as he fell off the dashboard and onto the floor. "HEY! PUT ME BACK UP THERE AND TURN ME AROUND THIS TIME!"

"Ping, I'm driving. You'll have to stay there until I get stopped. I told you that all that carrying on would lead to no good. Why don't you and Velvet go in the back and amuse yourselves for a while." Frank suggested.

"WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK THERE!" Ping insisted.

"Ping, you landed on my head. My head hurts." Velvet stated quietly. "I think we should listen to Frank and just let him do his job, OK?"

"OH SURE! JUST SIDE WITH HIM! GOOD GRIEF, I HATE IT WHEN YOU TWO TEAM UP ON ME! OH, YEAH, AND I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR HEAD, I REALLY DID TRY TO LAND ON THE OTHER SIDE, IT'S JUST THAT THE TAPE GOT STUCK TO MY BUTT AND TURNED ME SIDEWAYS!" Ping apologized loudly but sincerely. "I LOST HALF OF MY BUTT FEATHERS ON THAT TAPE UP THERE! I'M JUST GLAD HE DIDN'T DECIDE TO USE A STAPLER!"

"I'm gonna use a stapler to keep your face shut if you don't quiet DOWN!" Frank commanded.

"UM, I'M SORR... I'm sorry, I'll, uh, be, uh, QUIETER!" Ping tried to say softly.

Frank realized that Ping was making an effort to calm down and changed his tone, "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get to the next stop. Why don't you two goofballs find something to do until I get a chance to get you back on the dash, OK?"

"OK! WE'LL GO BACK THERE AND TRY NOT TO DIE OF BOREDOM OR SOMETHING!"

Ping and Velvet crawled under the curtain and looked for something to do. Frank heard a struggle from the other side of the sleeper curtain, he could hear Ping or Velvet or someone banging around off the sides of the cab.

"What is going ON back there!" Frank demanded to know.

The thumping continued on and Frank could hear things being knocked over as someone bounced off the inner walls of the truck.

"I'M DYING! AHH! STAY AWAY, BOREDOM! NO! NOOO! ACKCKCKKK!" Ping yelled from the back of the truck.

"That's IT! I'm telling you, you'd better be dead when I get back there, Ping, I'm not kidding!" Frank yelled back.

"ACKCKCKKK! AAAHHHH!!! THE BOREDOM MONSTER HAS ME BY THE NECK! ACCKKCKKK..."

"PING! CUT IT OUT!!!"

"OH, LOOK, YOU'RE YELLING SCARED HIM AWAY! HE'S GONE NOW! YAY! THANKS, FRANK."

"Yeah, what EVER! Now be QUIET!"

"OOOOOKAAAY!"

While Ping wrestled with the imaginary Boredom Monster, Velvet looked around for something to do to pass the time. He looked until he found one of Frank's boots and noticed the laces in the boots. Most of the eyelets were missed when Frank had laced them up. Velvet didn't realize that this was done on purpose. "Hey, Ping, we should do something to help Frank out," Velvet said, pointing at one of the boots. "Maybe we could re-lace these for him. They seem to be done wrong. You know? Doing something constructive would keep us busy and could keep us from doing anything really silly."

"SILLY?" Ping yelled, "WE WON'T DO ANYTHING SILLY. WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WE CAN THAT WOULD REALLY HELP FRANK. DOING HIS BOOTS IS NO GOOD. HE'S KIND OF RETARDED ABOUT HIS BOOTS, I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT HE LIKES THEM THAT WAY. NO, THAT'S NO GOOD. MAN IS THERE ANYTHING THAT FRANK REALLY NEEDS? I MEAN REALLY, REALLY, NEEDS?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure if we can do anything for him that's of use," Velvet replied. "I know that he could use a new truck, or maybe some new shoes or something."

"A NEW TRUCK? NEW SHOES? HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO ANY OF THAT BACK HERE?" Ping asked. "IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN JUST MAKE A KENWORTH OUT OF HIS MATTRESS. SHOES? NO, WHY WOULD HE WANT MATTRESS SHOES? THAT'S JUST INSANE. NO, WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING ELSE. WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP HIM GET STUFF LIKE NEW SHOES OR A NEW TRUCK? HOW WOULD HE DO IT?"

"I don't know... Money, yeah, that's it, money. He would get some money," Velvet advised. "But I don't think that we can just get money from back here, not unless he's hidden some of it or something."

Velvet started looking around the sleeper, he picked up random items and started looking under them for something of value. Velvet continued to poke around while Ping contemplated.

"WAIT A MINUTE, IF HE HAS HIDDEN ANYTHING BACK HERE, WE WOULD BE GIVING HIM BACK HIS OWN MONEY, THAT WOULD BE SILLY!" Barked Ping. "WE CAN'T JUST FIND MONEY HERE, BESIDES, I KNOW THAT HE KEEPS ALL OF HIS MONEY UP FRONT, THAT'S NO GOOD. FINDING MONEY IS NOT THE ANSWER, NO, WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS... IS... IS... MAKE HIM SOME MONEY."

Velvet looked surprised. He understood what Ping was getting at. Looking around thoughtfully, Velvet said, "Let's see what we can find in here that would help us make some money for him."

Velvet started roaming around the sleeper area, crawled under the bed and found a few interesting items. He looked at a backscratcher and decided that it might be of some use. Velvet also found a crock pot, three socks and a can of automatic transmission fluid.

Ping was also looking around and decided that what he might need were some things from Frank's refrigerator. Ping opened up the frig and pulled a few things out, set them aside and then closed it up again. Ping looked at the things that he and Velvet gathered up and asked, "SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THIS STUFF?"

Velvet looked at their supplies, thought for a moment, and then said, "When I was at the truck stop, I saw a thing on TV about some guy cooking some stuff and making a lot of money from it. They had, like, bags of money everywhere and stuff. "

"OH, YEAH! I SAW THE SAME THING, TOO. WELL, I DIDN'T SEE IT, I HEARD IT FROM LAUREN'S BEDROOM. FRANK AND LAUREN'S MOM, SHELLY, I THINK HER NAME IS, WERE WATCHING THE SAME THING ON TV! I BET WE COULD DO THAT!" Ping declared.

"What were the guys on TV cooking?" Velvet asked.

"I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS APPARENTLY MADE OF REALLY WEIRD STUFF. I THINK THEY CALLED IT MATH OR SOMETHING." Ping belted out.

"No, it wasn't math, math is like a numbers thing," Velvet recalled, "I think it sounded like that, though. It was, it was..." Velvet strained his little brain to its limits. "METH! That's what they called it!" Velvet was happy with his revelation. "But what is it made of?"

"LIKE I SAID, WEIRD STUFF!" Ping yelled, "WE GOT ENOUGH WEIRD STUFF HERE TO MAKE A TON OF MONEY!" Ping danced around and started picking up things off of the floor. He plugged in the crock pot, turned it on, and put random items into the pot to cook. Ping set the crock pot on the "High" setting thinking that the faster they cooked it, the more money they would make.

Ping and Velvet emptied various containers from the refigerator into the pot while Velvet stirred the contents with Frank's backscratcher. "I hope this turns out good," Velvet said while continuing to stir. "He'll be happy that we could help get him make some money. Should we use this transmission fluid?" Velvet said as he offered the container to Ping.

"NO, " said Ping, "THAT WOULD MAKE IT TOO WEIRD, WE ONLY WANT SOMETHING SORT OF WEIRD. HE NEEDS THAT FOR HIS TRUCK. JUST PUT THAT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT."

Velvet took the bottle back under the bed and placed it where it was originally. "How long should it cook before we try to sell it?" Velvet asked.

Ping picked up the lid off of the floor and placed it on top of the crock pot. "I'M NOT SURE, PROBABLY AN HOUR OR SO." Ping stated, "HOW LONG BEFORE HE HAS TO STOP DRIVING?"

"I think he said it would be three or four hours before he could stop driving. What do we do until this is done?" Velvet asked.

Ping looked for something they could use to pass the time. Ping picked up a device, studied it for a while, and declared, "HEY, LOOK, I FOUND A GAMEBOY! WE COULD PLAY IT UNTIL THE MATH..."

"Meth."

"YEAH, MATH, METH, WHATEVER, ANYWAY, WE CAN PLAY UNTIL THE MATH-METH-MIRTH-MOUTH OR WHATEVER IS DONE COOKING."

Ping and Velvet exchanged the GameBoy back and forth and took turns playing Tetris. They played Tetris for well over an hour while waiting for their batch of stuff to finish cooking. Ping got more and more upset whenever it was his turn to play the game. Ping became angry and finally accused Velvet of not playing fair. "YOU'RE CHEATING! HOW DID YOU SCORE FOUR MILLION POINTS?" Ping screamed. "I BET THIS THING CAN'T EVEN GET TO FOUR MILLION POINTS! I BET YOU JUST DREW IN YOUR SCORE WITH A MAGIC MARKER! YOU'RE CHEATING!"

"I didn't cheat," Velvet said quietly, "I've played this before. My highest score is actually seven million, five hundred thousand points. It's been a while since I've played this, I've gotten kind of rusty."

"RUSTY? RUSTY? FOUR MILLION POINTS IS RUSTY? GOOD GRIEF, MY HIGH SCORE IS SIXTY-TWO POINTS! IF YOU'RE RUSTY, THEM I'M DEAD AND BURIED AND NOTHING BUT A PILE OF MOLDY WORM CRAP! RUSTY, GOOD GRIEF..."

"Yeah, sorry." Velvet apologized. "I think I'm tired of playing anyway. Hey, do you think the stuff is done?"

"YEAH, IT'S DONE," Ping said with confidence. Ping put down the GameBoy, went to the crock pot and turned it off. He lifted the lid and smelled the contents and announced "WHAT THE HECK, LET'S GIVE IT A TRY."

"What are you supposed to do with it?" Velvet wondered.

"WELL," Ping supposed, "WHAT I HEARD ON THE TV WAS THAT PEOPLE SNORTED THE STUFF INTO THEIR NOSES. I'M NOT SURE HOW THEY DO IT. MAYBE I SHOULD USE A STRAW, IS THERE A STRAW ANYWHERE?"

Velvet searched one of the cabinets for a while and eventually found a straw in a drawer. He tossed the straw down to Ping. Ping grabbed at the straw and missed. After the straw bounced off of the floor, Ping picked up the straw and dusted it off. Ping made his way over to the crock pot, took the lid off of the pot and then pushed the straw into the stew. He placed the other end of the straw at his beak and inhaled as hard as he could. After he inhaled as much as he could, he stepped back and looked around the back of the truck and said...

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! OHHH MYYY AAAHHH!!! OWWWWWW!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! THAT HUUUUUURTS!!!! PAIN! PAIN!!! PAINNNN!!!" Ping continued to yell as he spun around the back of the cab. Ping lost his balance, fell through the curtain, and found himself laying on his back. Ping continued to scream, "AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

"What in the world are you idiots doing back there?!?" Frank yelled at Ping. Ping, suddenly realizing that he was in the front of the cab, gave Frank a panicked look and said as calmly as he could, "AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHH!!!" Ping jumped up, spun around a few times and fumbled back under the curtain. Ping continued to scream and yell as he staggered around the cab sleeper. "AAAHHH!! OWWWW! OWWWW! OW! OW! OWOWOWOWWW!!!" Ping continued.

"Seriously, I'm gonna pull over if you don't settle down, got it?" Frank hollered.

"SORRY! OWWW! REALLY, WE'RE SORRY, EVERYTHING IS OK. SORRY..."

"Good, now keep it down, OK?"

"YES, OK..."

Ping ran to a pillow on the floor, buried his face in it and continued screaming. After five or so minutes, Ping was able to collect himself and stood up.

"THIS WAS A STUPID, I MEAN REALLY STUUUPID IDEA. ANYONE THAT DOES THIS STUFF IS INSANE! WE NEED TO GET RID OF IT BEFORE FRANK FINDS IT."

"But what do we do with it?" Velvet asked. "We have no place to put it. The trash can is in the front of the truck."

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Yelled Ping.

Ping shimmied up to the bed and lowered the hooks of two bungee cords to the floor. He hooked the other end of the cords to the edge of the bed and jumped back down to the floor. Once on the floor, Ping took a shorter third cord and hooked it snugly over the top of the crock pot. The final step was to take the two hooks from the bed and hook them to the cord on the crock pot. Ping stepped back to admire his work.

"Ok, I see that you want to pull the pot up to the bed but then what are we going to do?"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, I'VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT."

Ping and Velvet got back up to the bed and managed to raise the crock pot up to the bed with relatively minimal spillage. Ping went to the driver's side wing window and started pulling on the screen covering the inside of the window. Ping told Velvet to help with the screen. After a few minutes of yanking and tugging, the screen started bending and eventually broke off of the frame. The aluminum frame was mangled beyond repair. Ping tossed the broken screen off of the bed.

"Frank's going to be mad about us breaking his window," Velvet advised gravely.

"IT'S BETTER THAN GETTING BUSTED FOR ALL OF THIS METH ON THE TRUCK! HE WILL UNDERSTAND WHEN WE'RE ALL DONE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

Frank was looking out of the driver's side mirror when he saw the wing window open up on the side of the sleeper. "What? Hey! What are you dingalings doing?" Frank yelled back to the sleeper. There was no response from the back of the truck other than the bumping around from Ping and Velvet's activities. Frank split his focus between driving and watching the open wing window. He somewhat figured out what was going on when he saw a white soupy liquid start pouring out of the window. The goop covered the side of the truck, poured onto the pavement, and sprayed across the lanes. After the weird drainage slowed down, a small, rubbery, pink cube fell out of the window, bounced off the pavement, and spun into a million pieces across the road. "What the...?" Frank said aloud.

"Oh, no..." Frank said when he saw the blue lights in his rear view mirror. Frank noted that the approaching trooper's windshield wipers were on and smearing white goop over his windshield. It seemed impossible that the cop could see anything through his front window even after using copious amounts washer fluid. One of the wipers was having serious issues as it struggled with a large chunk of the mysterious pink substance that bounced off of the road. Frank moved his truck over to the emergency lane, turned on his flashers, set the brakes, and prepared for the worst.

"I am so screwed," Frank said to himself and added, "I think I hate penguins, all penguins everywhere. I hope they all die a horrible death. Jeeze."

Frank opened the passenger side window and watched the trooper walk up to passanger door. Frank moved over to the passenger seat and listened to the officer as the he got near the cab.

"Driver," stated the trooper sternly, "Do you have a leak or something going on with your truck?"

"Sir, I don't know. I've got a couple of passengers in the back. I have less than no idea what they were doing. They are complete, raving idiots," Frank concluded.

Frank automatically handed his license and proof of insurance to the officer. The trooper took the documents and continued writing in his book. The trooper handed Frank's license and insurance card back to him.

"Ok, who are these passengers and what are they doing right now?"

Ping and Velvet were hunched in a corner of the bed and solidly freaking out. "HE'S GOING TO KILL US! I JUST KNOW I'M GOING BACK HOME IN FIFTY-THREE SEPARATE BOXES, POSTAGE DUE, NO DOUBT." Ping lamented.

Frank opened up the curtain, pointed his finger at the two and said, "Somebody, an important somebody, wants to talk to you. Both of you. You realize that I am the one that's getting the ticket regardless of which one of you bonkaziods hatched this ridiculous scheme, right?"

"Yes," said Velvet and Ping in unison.

Frank picked them up, took them up to the cab and sat them down on the passenger seat in front of the officer. Officer McManus was writing in his ticket book and looked up at Ping and Velvet.

"You know that this a bad situation, right?"

Ping and Velvet nodded.

"First of all and most important, you three guys are lucky that no one got hurt. I have no idea what you two were up to but throwing stuff on the road that can impede other drivers ability to control their vehicles is a serious offense."

Ping and Velvet shifted nervously on the seat as the trooper continued.

"Now, does someone want to explain just what the heck was going on?"

"UH, UM," Ping stammered. "OH, MAN! WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT! WE THOUGHT THAT WE COULD HELP FRANK GET SOME MONEY BUY MAKING SOME STUFF FOR US TO SELL TO PEOPLE!"

"What are you talking about?" Frank said loudly. "I've got plenty of money! All I wanted you guys to do was to keep busy while I drove to my next stop. At no point did I say make some bizarre garbage and, I don't know, sell it to idiots dumber than you are. Good Grief!"

The trooper shook his head and asked, "Ok, so what were you guys making?"

"METH!" Velvet belted out uncharacteristically.

Officer McManus was shocked by the revelation. Speaking to Frank, the trooper asked, "Sir, this is serious. Making methamphetamine requires some very toxic chemicals. Are you in fact carrying around hazardous materials in the CAB of your truck?"

"What? No! Man, what the heck were you two doing?" Frank yelled at Ping and Velvet. "I've got absolutely nothing dangerous back there. What in the name of Black Francis were you two dingbats using to make this concoction that you called 'meth'?"

"WEIRD STUFF!" Said Ping. "ALL WE KNEW THAT METH WAS MADE OF WEIRD STUFF, WE LEARNED THAT ON TV!"

"All right," Said officer McManus. "Sir, would you find what they were using to make their, uh, illicit drugs?"

Frank went to the sleeper and collected the containers that Ping and Velvet emptied into the crock pot. Frank took the containers to the cab and handed the items to the trooper through the window.

Officer McManus looked at the bottle, the jug, and the empty can and then set the containers onto the passenger side step of the truck. "Let me get this straight, you were trying to make drugs out of... A half gallon of milk... A bottle of... Tobasco sauce... And a can of, what the hell, Spam?"

"IT WAS THE ONLY WEIRD STUFF WE COULD FIND!"

"Oh, man, you guys better hope that you get arrested," Frank said to both of them. "Because if you stay here, you're gonna hate what little is left of your lives."

"Sir," said officer McManus to Frank. "I'm going to assume that you have documentation for these passengers and then I'm going to give you a ticket for, of all things, littering, although you deserve worse. I have no idea what these two were thinking but they better be getting home soon. You need to be more careful about who you let ride in your truck."

Officer McManus finished writing the ticket and handed it to Frank and then walked back to his car. Frank watched as the trooper walked away and turned to glare at Ping and Velvet.

"Yeah," said Frank. "We're gonna fix this."

---

Frank unpacked his bags. He put his things away and dug a box out of his last bag. The box was gift wrapped and was labled "For Lauren." Frank handed the gift to Lauren.

"Yay!" said Lauren as she tore the wrapping off of the box. Lauren opened the box and was shocked by the contents. "Hey! What did you do to them?"

Lauren took Ping and Velvet out of the box and looked at the mess. Ping and velvet were duct taped together and their mouths were covered with tape.

"They are extremely lucky not to have been involuntary participants in a horrifying YouTube video showing them being run over by interstate traffic," Frank said. "They are not coming with me again."

Lauren took the tape off of them and made sure they weren't dismembered in the process."You were MEAN to them!" Lauren hollered as she slugged Frank in the leg.

"Ow!" yelled Frank. "That hurt! Man, I just hope they don't do to you here what they did to me in my truck. That's all you need, a bunch of DEA agents surrounding the house yelling at you to throw out your guns and Spam containers. I'm telling you, these two are about the most idiotic idiots I've ever seen in my life."

"They're not idiots," said Lauren. "YOU'RE an idiot!" Lauren slugged Frank in the back of his other leg. "I'm going to put them up where you can't get to them, you meanie! By the way, Spidey wants to go with you this time."

Lauren and Frank walked back to her room and Lauren put Ping and Velvet on a shelf. She picked up her Spiderman doll and threw him at Frank. Spidey hit Frank in the face and fell to the floor. Frank picked up Spidey and looked at Spidey closely.

"Seriously? A Superhero? Man I don't need a wall-crawler in my truck fighting 'crime,'" Frank said as he tossed Spidey back on the bed. "No, that would be insaner than Ping. Who else do you have that wants to go on the truck?"

Lauren looked around and picked a different stuffed animal. Lauren gave the animal to Frank and said "Here, take her."

"Oh, man," Said Frank. "This is not going to be good...

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