It was three years since the day they met. Saturday would be their anniversary. She never thought they'd get this far but fortunately they'd made it. She adored and treasured him and most of her(atleast 80%) thought he felt the same. Heck that was an A. Good enough to get you into most schools. He was all she could think about that Friday evening. While she did her girl things, washed the vegetables, cooked, showered, applied lotion, slept... every damn time he popped up in her subconscious. It drove her more crazy like the low-key psycho every female is.
He was planning his biggest surprise. He wanted to make and break her at once. A dark twisted surprise that'd make the faint hearted collapse and soil their undies. Having her weeping and jumping and shouting in jubilation. Like a long drag on a blunt, it finally hit him.
At 7pm, he picked her up for their traditional anniversary dinner at her favourite restaurant. Ordered her favourite meal for the first time in months accompanied by a beer instead of the wine that he liked. But she prefered beer. He wasn't shoving his suggestions down her throat today like always.
"OMG it's happening..." her noisy and anxious subconcious was already at it.
She looked at him with an inquisitive smile and tilted her head.
"Hhmm is there anything you'd like to tell me mister?" She was hoping she hadn't misread all this. She'd read up on an article where people do nice things to make apologies and delivering bad news easier.
He laughed nervously and let off a high pitched "whaaattt??" followed by a choking cough to clear his throat.
"Are you sure?" she pressed on.
"Abso-fuckin-lutely" he continued to cough and knock over his glass of water as he tried to reach it for a sip. The water spilled across the table wetting the tablecloth and part of her dress. Some of it splashed against her gaping cleavage.
"I am so sorry" as he grabbed a napkin and proceeded to press it against her enormous bossom. She gave him one hard stare and motioned him to sit back down which he did at once. He buried his flashed face in his palms and started to wipe it with them.
"If I didn't know better I'd say you did that on purpose just to feel me up"
"Perhaps you don't know better"
At this point she didn't know what to make of all this until he ordered dessert. They'd never ordered dessert. She ate her ice cream slowly taking care not to swallow any hard thing that could be buried in it. Unfortunately there was none.
"By the way I've been meaning to ask you something..."
"Oh shit... here it comes" she thought to her self.
"What do you think happens when zombies bite vampires?"
"Huh?"
"I mean they're both dead so do they remain just vampires or we get... uumm"
"Vambies?"
"Damn it Jessica. I was just about to say that. But yeah that's it. Vambies"
"If a werewolf bite can affect and kill a vampire, then I guess a zombie bite can equally have effect"
"Okay. You have a point there but remember vampires are immortal. They can't get sick or anything and well all know zombies are zombies because they're sick. Suffering from some virus. Vampires would have to get sick to be vambies yet... get this... they actually can't become sick"
"Do you think vampirism can cure cancer?"
"Do you think we should have kids?"
"Excuse me" she almost choked on her light beer.
"I don't think I can do this anymore"
"What do you mean?" her heart was starting to race. That sounded like a line from a breakup song. "Is he actually going to do this right now?" she thought to herself.
"I said I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't have you as my girlfriend anymore"
"What the fuck Lucas? What. The. Actual. Fuck.? Are you breaking up with me right now?"
"I must say you look so damn cute and hot when you're angry it makes one of us an architect of a Sultan's tent beneath the waist"
"Answer the damn question?" she retorted raising her voice.
A few heads around the restaurant turned in their direction. She was in tears already. They rushed down her cheeks and touched her lips. Filled up the partition of her lips until she could taste the saltiness on her tongue.
"Yeah. In a sense, I am"
"No you're not. You're not breaking up with me. I know you love me even though I love you more"
"I do love you but I can't have you as my girlfriend anymore. That's it"
"But why? Did I do something wrong? Did I upset you? Please tell me what I did" she begged.
"I went to see the doctor the other day and he said..." Lucas could not hold back his tears and his right eye started to moisten.
"What did he say Lucas?" Jessica asked. Still hurt but more attentive and upright now.
in between sobs "He... he said that they found a black mass on my left side. Like close to my heart"
Jessica's mind was wilding. She couldn't comprehend what had just befallen her. The love of her life was breaking up with her because he was dying? Why the hell would he do that? He should've atleast given her a chance to go all the way with him. She didn't want to let go but he certainly was.
"I am so sorry Lucas. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I was trying to find the right time. I am dying Jessica. I am dying for your love. I can't have you as my girlfriend anymore because now I want to have you as my wife"
He pulled the small black mass from his left jacket pocket and bent the knee. He broke it open and there stuffed between the cushions sat a circle with a colourless rock. She'd been scared moments ago with her heart pounding in one direction. Now it was still pounding but in the opposite direction. She was as shocked as she was excited. It was unbelievable. Tears continued to flow backed by 100% joy and hysteria.
"Will you do me the honour of making me the happiness man alive by being Mrs Tomsen? Will you?"
She nodded in the affirmative as she could hardly speak after all the shock and tears.
"Verbal confirmation please"
"Yes yes yes you stupid fuck" she chuckled.
"Copy that Mrs Tomsen. Now give me a kiss"
Warmest embrace with lip locking and saliva swapping. Jessica instantly pulled away from the kiss.
"So are you actually dying or not?"
"Not anytime soon"
"Phew! Thank goodness. I can't imagine myself as a widow raising kids by myself. I'd crash everyday like an Android app"
"So we're actually having kids... yeessss!" Lucas did a miniature goal celebration. "Can we give them middle names of mythical creatures?"
"What?"
"Let's say our first born is a boy which he will be, can we name him Felix Phoenix Tomsen"
"Not gonna happen"
"C'mon. You owe me that much for disrespecting Android and it's apps. How dare you Jessica? How dare you?"
"Well in my defence, Android sucks"
"Nevertheless you had no right"
"So you do agree with me?"
"Don't turn this on me to distract me. Are we getting a Phoenix or what?"
"Just the one"
Lucas played her an audio of the conversation they just had.
"At this point I should probably let you know that verbal contracts are admissible in the state of Wakanda"
"I can't believe I just said 'yes' to you" she shook her head involuntarily.
"You made your bed missus and now you have to lie in it. Consider yourself lucky because this guy loves you like a junkie loves heroin"
"Aaww that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. I love you too"
"Chap chap lady. We gotta go"
They instantly left for home forgetting to pay for supper until their waitress called them back.
"Now was that your most romantic evening ever or what?" he asked as he opened the front door.
"It was fucking torture you goddam psychopath. It was like being in a SAW movie but only with a happy ending this time. We actually need one of those"
"Happy endings are too mainstream... & they're for wusses"
"I guess you're right"
"Now c'mon... LET'S PLAY A GAME"
NB: This is an edited version of the original that was posted on my blog twesije.wordpress.com on 7th Sep 2017. Enjoy & Upvote.