To Lucy

I am taking note of the events occurring in dedication to my lovely wife Lucy. Thinking back to the times we spent spent together seems to be the only thing that helps me sleep at night. I still remember your beautiful smile, the way your hair flowed in the wind when we walked together, and especially when we spent time together with our child. I'm sorry for what happened.

...

[March 3rd] It's been about a month since I left town. I admit I miss it, and I'm sorry wasn't around, but I don't know how to cope with this any longer. I quit my job over the phone last week, and the boss let me off easy since he knows what's been happening with me. I can't say I'm as happy as I thought I'd be once I quit, but I did feel liberated for a second. I miss you, baby. You were the only person I could ever care for, even after what happened last year. My therapist actually suggested the idea for me to buy a diary and write down what goes on in hopes of me getting "better". It's a bit late to start on it I think, but maybe it will help out in the long run.

[March 9th] Nothing much has happened recently. I've been driving for a couple of days now and have seen some interesting things on the road, but nothing that's noteworthy. I honestly don't know where I'm going anymore, I should've gotten a GPS installed on my car, but I was too stubborn to listen to your advice when you told me to do so. Now I'm pretty much out in the middle of nowhere, sleeping in my car, and using what little light my flashlight gives so I can write all of this down. I hope I dream of you again, baby. I love you and always will.

[March 14th] This part of my diary will be a bit shorter than I'd like, but I'm sleepy right now after a long walk. I think I arrived at Milwaukee last night. The shore is a beautiful sight, especially walking along it as the sun is setting. I'm currently sitting on the sand, which isn't that comfortable I know, but it beats sitting and laying down on a leather chair all day long. I think I might sleep here tonight, I'm sure it wouldn't be much of a problem. Goodnight, sweetie.

[March 20th] Had a pretty long break from writing on this, so sorry about that. To catch you up on things: After I slept at the shore, I was awoken by a security guy who told me that I had to leave since I was "disturbing the families who were having a good time." Apparently they've never seen a 30 year old sleep before.

Anyways, after that little altercation I went back to my car, filled it up with gas and continued on travelling. After two days I finally ran out of the food I brought with me so I decided to stop by a Diner I noticed on my ride. The food was amazing, baby. I have never eaten anything this great in my life, especially the pancakes which tasted superb. Afterwards I went over to a small grocery store and bought some more food that could last me the next few months, so that's good. I'm going to be traveling for a long while now, so I might not be able to write anything since I'll be busy. Goodbye for now, my love.

[March 30th] It's my birthday! And I honestly couldn't be sadder. I wish you were here, baby. I wish we could go out one last time and eat like we used to with our baby..

[April 4th] After a few depressing weeks I'm finally back to writing on this. I found a cheap, and nice motel for its price. Now I can finally rest normally and stay here for a while. I'm currently in Sacramento, and it's really nice here. Luckily it's not summer yet, so there's not that many people out here, but it's still feels somewhat crowded to me. I've been here for the past 5 days, and I've yet to see anyone famous just walking around. That's a shame, I would've really loved to meet Jonah Hill and tell him about what a huge fan of his you are. I'm still here for the rest of the month, so maybe I will see him, let's just hope so. I'm writing this on an incredibly uncomfortable chair, and it's a pain in the ass - literally. I'm going to use these next few days to travel around the city and see what's what around here. Maybe I'll befriend a celebrity. Probably not.. but who knows. Bye, baby. Rest well.

[April 6th] Yesterday was less productive than what I originally planned. I woke up pretty late to start off, and then the room service lady said I only have until 11 a.m. to leave, since the room service people were going to come in and do their thing. Afterwards I went out for some coffee and I don't know what happened after, I feel like I blanked out just stayed there sitting for the rest of the afternoon. I even saw some hipster-type guys on their computers typing for hours. It sounds boring now that I write it down, but it felt interesting to me in honesty. As for today, I'm not sure what the rest of the day has in store for me, but hopefully I'll be more productive this time around.

[April 14th] Some people have been acting strange, I'm not sure what's up but something feels off as of lately. I'm sure it's probably my mind playing tricks on me again, but it's not something easy to ignore. Anyways, you will not believe what happened in the afternoon: I just passed by Jonah Hill. It's the weirdest thing, honestly, but I swear it did happen. I didn't call out to him though since I was anxious at the time, and I may never see him again, but passing by him made me feel as though you were here again. It reminded me of how you always laughed at his movies, even though I didn't find as much humor in them as you did.

[April 19th] I don't feel safe around here anymore. I just walked around the block and saw myself on the television screen inside a parlor. I'm not sure why to be honest, and it could easily be my mind playing tricks I don't think I want to stick around town to find out. I decided to pack my things and leave to somewhere with hopefully less people. I need to find a place to just get away from everyone once and for all.

[April 23rd] After countless hours of driving, I arrived at some remote town 2 days ago. It's very calm here, and the people around seem very nice. There aren't any big markets or sites for sight seeing, since this place is nearly deserted, but I honestly don't mind it. Everyone here feels more alive than in the other places, since there's not much of a distraction t o lure people away from one another. It feels like a small and perfect community and I'm actually loving it. I went to the barber yesterday and got a buzz cut, which looks ridiculous on me, but I really needed a haircut and just figured I didn't want to deal with my hair that much. The barber did take his sweet time though, it felt like I was there most of the night. But honestly, I can't keep track of time correctly anymore, so it probably only took a while. Anyways, as I said, I like it here. I know I can't stay here for that long, but it'd be nice if I wasn't in my current situation.

[April 25th] I made some friends today.. I know I said I'd rather not be around people, but after them persisting on me joining them for dinner, I agreed and I actually had fun hanging out with them. Although you're still on my mind, it's nice to have other people to think of as well. I didn't talk to them much, but they said I can go by their place and hang out with them and drink. I really need a drink. I'm going to stop writing for a while to just focus on life and see if I can loosen my tension. I love you baby.

[April 30th] These past few days have been relieving to me. I stopped worrying about what has happened in the past and just learned to relax once more. I think this is what people mean by being at peace with oneself. I spent these past days driving around town with my friends. We wen't bowling, drinking, and pretty much anything that would sound like "guy fun" to you, sweetie. It sucks knowing that I'm leaving in a couple of days, so I might as well have a lot of fun with the people I know from here. I had to do a dare and was dared to shave my head + beard... me being me agreed to it. So we went to the barber and was greeted by some lady this time who did the deed.. Let me tell you, I look extremely handsome now, baby. Time to sleep, who knows what the next few days will bring to me. Goodnight and sweet dreams, my love.

[May 5th] I loved these past 2 weeks. I went from being extremely paranoid and hopeless, to happy and lively. I had to say goodbye to my new friends because I have to leave again, which sucked a lot. They were understanding and told me that I can contact them by phone which is great because now I'll have someone new to talk to. Once I find somewhere to charge my phone of course. Now let's see what's in store for me now.

[May 8th] I was called by my friends and apparently the barber who I met the first time I got to the town has passed away. May he find peace where ever he is now. No details on his death, but it's so sad seeing someone friendly pass away when there's other worse people still roaming around freely. There's not much for me to say today, that was pretty much it. I'm about to stop at a fast food place and get something to eat, bye baby.

[May 22nd] I need to remind myself to never trust anyone anymore. It's been a while since I wrote down what been happening, and I finally found some free time to write. I'm currently parked outside of the road in hopes that I don't get approached because I'm sleeping in my car . So apparently my "friends" were told that I was a suspect in the recent death of the barber just because I saw him the day he was murdered. I honestly can't see why they think that, and to wait until now to tell me is absurd. Now that I traveled so far. And my "friends" allowed them to trace my location, so now I'll have to deal with them on my travels. I can't stop and go back.. I need to keep moving forward for you, my love.

[May 25th] I think they found me. I don't really know who "they" are, but I'm sure i'm not crazy anymore.. I saw some vehicles passing mine slowly and people looking at me with grim faces. I'd say they're the police but they didn't seem like regular police to me, they seemed more.. powerful, I guess. I kept feeling uneasy the past few months and have them to blame. I can't deal with this. I don't know who they are or what they want from me, but I don't want to make myself too vulnerable for them if they're up to no good. I'll just have to keep moving and hope they leave me alone. I should rest now. Goodnight, Lucy.

[May 29th] I'm writing this as I hear banging on the door. I'm not sure if I should open it or not. I wish you were here with me baby. You always know what to do.