Chapter 4 – All My Texts Originate In Texas
Texas was going berserk, starting with Dallas. Waves of weirdness and insanity radiated outward from Kristen in concentric circles, which was odd, because most people expected it to originate in Austin.
She had grown three feet in height, becoming an idealized SuperRouter. Literally. Dallas internet traffic began to flow through her. She selectively allowed or denied messages, altering others, ultimately keeping the happenings there under wraps.
The same strange occurrences that plagued Dallas seemed to precede the three on their trip to Orlando. Shortly after nightfall, they stopped at a 7-11 for Zig-Zags. It was there that they learned not to let High-C run into stores.
He went inside, and they watched through the window as he bought papers and a Hustler, then calmly shot the clerk in the face and walked back out, whistling.
“Motherfucker was some kind of monster, did you see that?” he asked them.
Nursie hit the freeway at nearly a hundred miles an hour. “Who gave this motherfucker a gun?” she asked Myf.
But after she calmed down a bit, she asked them, ”So ya’ll saw it too? I’m not crazy?”
“No, love,” Myf said. “You’re no crazier than the rest of us.”
In Orlando at Geek NASA, laboratory of the Rocket-Propelled Geeks, the growing nerdcore contingent was holding a meeting. Shamus Oddish of Magitek was speaking.
“…so, basically, we fucked up. We’re not sure what we unleashed, but we know it’s some unspeakable monstrous force.”
“And it may have taken on the guise of MC Router,” Quartz Relic said. “If not her actual body.”
“How do we know this isn’t some government psy-op?” Bbear demanded.
“Please,” Thugmasta J said. “The federales don’t possess this level of sophistication. Besides, why would they expend all of these resources on a couple of nerdcore MCs?”
“Popcorn!” Spork of RPG announced, distributing bowls of microwave kettlecorn along with The HT and Epic-1.
“Good point,” Bbear conceded. “Although, I am rather notorious.”
Shamus continued. “We’ve been gathering reports from the Dallas area. They’re spotty and incomplete, but taken as a whole, they indicate a pattern. We’re seventy-six percent certain that these happenings are expanding outward from Kristen.”
“There’s something you’re not telling us!” Betty Rebel demanded.
“You’re right,” Shamus said. “You got me. It’s rather embarrassing, though. When we conducted the ritual, numbnuts here opened his eyes at the end and said her name while looking at her picture.”
Quartz Relic glowed bright red with embarrassment.
“Amateur!” Betty yelled. “Only a fucking noob falls in love with Router! And why am I never considered the reigning queen of nerdcore? I’m a better MC than either of those bitches.”
“You’re my queen,” Bbear said.
“Shut up,” she said. “You had your chance, little man.”
“So what do we do?” Wreckshin asked.
“Keep your eyes peeled, “ J said. If there are strange things afoot at the Circle K, we have a private Livejournal blog set up for reporting.”
“Livejournal? Who still uses that? Dean Humphries?” Betty said.
“Who?” Sir-Up asked.
“Nevermind,” she said.
Myf and Nursehella were worn to a frazzle. High-C was indefatigable, and insisted that they drive straight through. With unfortunate timing, Nursie began to menstruate, and pulled off of the interstate for Maxi-pads.
“I’ll go in,” High said brightly.
“No way, cowboy,” Nursie said. “My body, my choice. I’ll go in.”
He handed her the copkiller Glock.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” High said. “Bring me six bags of Skittles. Use your best judgment.”
Danielle went to the toiletries aisle and was upset to find only Tampax. Disgusted, she grabbed a box and an assortment of Skittles. At the counter, everything seemed normal at first, so she put the items on the counter and pulled out Karl’s gold card.
When the clerk started to ring up her order, she saw his face change. She shot him in the chest without hesitation. On impulse, she ran behind the counter and looted the open register, throwing the money and the things she had intended to purchase into a large grocery bag. At the last second, she grabbed a carton of Marlboros.
She looked at the dead shopkeeper’s face on the way out and was horrified to see that it was back to normal. She ran back to the jeep screaming and crying.
Myf was awake again and behind the wheel.
“Go!” she yelled. “I just shot a motherfucker!”
“We know,” High said calmly. “We were watching.”
Nursie broke into heavy sobs. “His face! It changed! He was a monster, but when I shot him, h-he turned back.”
High put his arm around her. “It’s ok,” he said. “We know the truth. Don’t worry about it.”
“In other news, I got us almost two hundred dollars and a carton of smokes.”
“Good girl!” High told her.
“Y’all ain’t about to start smoking’ cigarettes,” Myf said.
“Watch us,” Nursie said.
High said, “Hold up, D. We can’t offend his delicate constitution. Hit a rest area, Myf.”
“Are you crazy?” Myf asked him.
High-C looked at him pointedly. “Yes. But do you hear sirens?”
Myf looked in the rearview mirror. “I guess it’s safe.”
At the rest area, Nursie smoked two and High had five. They were just over the Florida border.
Router sent an avatar to work in her place, so she could continue becoming. The people in the neighboring apartments were the first to convert to her servants. By the time the travelers had reached Orlando, her legion numbered in the hundreds.
High-C finally dozed, leaning on Nursie’s shoulder and drooling.
“Poor baby,” she said with sympathy. When they drove past an exit that said “Washington-Holmes”, he woke up screaming.
A Delta-Olds 88 with rims like stagecoach wheels pulled up beside them. A monster in a fedora put a bullet through the driver’s side window. Now it was Myf’s turn to scream. On instinct, he turned the wheel hard and Dora bounced off of the car undamaged. The Oldsmobile spun around and hit the center abutment, bursting into flames.
“Whoo-hoo!” Myf yelled.
“Fuck yes!” Nursie added. “Okay, okay, Dora kicks ass. I’m glad I took my shirt off.”
“Myf, we need Washington and Florida peeps, stat.” High said.
“What about New York and California?”
“Fuck New York and California.”
YT received a text from Nursehella. “Crisis in the Kremlin. Digital Gangstas needed”.
With a single email, YT unleashed a thousand hackers with mad skills and axes to grind, all dedicated to defeating Router’s internet censorship.
Then he called Zealous1.
“Yo,” Beau said.
“Z1! YT.”
“Wazzup, cuz?”
“Not much, Street Fighter. Listen, you got east coast posse? Bangers?”
“We deep, jack. I got cliqued up Latin Kings, MS-13, Bloods, Crips. Shit, I got ABs. What’s the issue?”
“I’m getting firsthand reports of high weirdness from Texas to Florida.”
“Be specific, man. You can’t shock the boss fighter.”
“Zombies, dog,” YT finally said, still feeling somewhat foolish at the notion.
“Shit, caucasoid. That’s all you had to say. I been trainin’ my whole life for this shit. You know your boy is the zombie killa that’s iller than Godzilla. Orlando?”
“You know this,” YT said.
“I’m on my way.” Zealous hung up. “Mom, can I go to Orlando?”
Beefy got a call from Zealous1 shortly after that.
“Pack your bags, kid. We goin’ zombie huntin’,” he told him.
“Shit,” Beefy said. “I was workin’ on a girl.”
“There will be plenty of girls once we’re done,” Zealous replied.