Last Week 800 Years Ago

“Wake up Caveman," my tanned giant slave master prodded me in my side with the hot end of his light-spear, leaving a cold burning scar.
"I'm up. I'm up. Fuck. Fucking burning me. Jesus man."
It was the second day of my new life. It was also the worst day of my life. Yesterday was also the worst day of my life. I could only cower in fear at the horrors I would be forced to endure over the coming days. A week ago I was a medic for the Mafioso 800 years ago. What a fucked sentence. Today, I was a Gladiator. Tomorrow, if I'm lucky, I'll be dead.
"On your feet!" the giant insisted, readying his light spear to burn me again.

When I awoke wet, hungry and completely renewed yesterday I was in a sciencey researchy-type building. My delicious golden locks were gone. My sharp eyebrows were gone. My trail that ran from my chest to my balls was gone. The fingers and teeth that I had lost through interrogation were back. I was as fresh as the day I was born. If I had woken up in my bed I would have been singing Hallelujah. I’ll admit I was freaked out. I was lying naked on a table with two guys in hazmat suits readying their giant needles. I’ve given needles before. I’ve seen the fear in a stupid kid’s eyes before I stab him. I’m not scared of needles. I am scared of giant needles. I did what any sane naked man would do. I freaked the freak out. I jumped from the table and ran out into the corridor. I was then restrained by two robo-guards and delivered as a prisoner to my new Coliseum home.

I followed the giant past my prisoner neighbours to a locked door. The giant unlocked the door and revealed a room full of weapons. Maces, swords, spears, knives, grenades, ray-guns and bazookas adorned the walls of the armoury.

"Take your pick, little man."

Nothing in medical school had prepared me for this. I knew the weak points of the giant. I could grab a knife and shove it in the giant's jugular. I looked at the knife then looked at the giant. I wouldn't have been able to reach his neck, let alone get past his spear.

Grab the sword.

I looked at the sword. It was five foot long. It was forged out of one piece of black metal. The design was based on the Japanese katana but along where the sharp blade should have been it had a glowing, white laser-light. If I was still a teenager I would have grabbed the katana without even thinking.

I looked at the ray-gun. I could easily just shoot the giant. But a glowing white laser on black steel. I would look like the biggest badass samurai if I chose the sword.

I grabbed the sword off the wall. It weighed a lot less than I thought it would. I gave a practice swing in front of me. It weighed practically nothing.

"Enter the Coliseum. I will protect you." The sword was talking to me. I couldn’t hear the sword with my ears. I felt the sword talking directly to my brain. If I was still in my time period I would have been amazed by the technology. It makes sense that weapons could communicate with their wielders through being touched in the future.

"Why shouldn't I just kill the giant and escape?" I thought to the sword.
"Trust me, old boy," the sword thought back to me.

If my parents hadn't been drunks while raising me they would have told me not to listen to objects. But I didn’t really have a choice. I would have had a choice if I chose a more practical weapon, like the bazooka.
The giant looked at me and then looked at my new thought-invading sword. “Wise choice,” the giant growled. He fucking growled. The giant is menacing. No matter what weapon I had chosen I would have been way too scared to attack him. A grenade blowing up in his face would have only angered him.

The giant led me down corridors to a huge wooden gate reinforced with a steel mesh. Sweat beaded unopposed into my eyes as I waited for the battle for my life. The gate opened slowly, chatter of thousands of people invaded from beyond the gate.

“What’s the plan, Swordy? Do you know a way out of this godforsaken Death Arena?” I thought to my sword.
“Now chap, I wouldn’t be locked up in a Coliseum Armoury if I knew how to get out. Also swords are well known for fighting not for fleeing.”

I’d seen Star Wars and the Princess Bride. There was a chance I could walk out of this battle alive. The gate opened revealing a round arena covered in sand. There were no walls separating the arena from the thousands of excited spectators. The spectators roared as I hesitantly walked into the middle of the arena. I unsheathed my sword and re-enacted some sword tricks I had seen in movies and videogames.

The crowd went wild. They started shouting “Caveman! Caveman! Caveman!” I found it pretty intolerant. Sure I travelled from the past through circumstances I had no idea about, but I never lived in a cave. I lived in a nice apartment in the heart of New York City. Sure, there were drawings on the wall and a fire in the centre of my living room, but it wasn’t a cave.

“LET’S SEE HOW THE PRIMITIVE CAAAAVEMAN FARES AGAINST THE TERRIFYING, THE FIRE-BREATHING, THE GLADIATOR-EATING TYRANNOOOOOOSAURUS MEX!!” the voice of the commentator thundered throughout the arena.
The crowd cheered with deafening approval.

Hopefully Tyrannosaurus Mex was just another gladiator’s cool stage name. If it was then he had a cooler name than I. The gate in front of me opened. The crowd went silent as a mechanical dinosaur raised its head 45 degrees and spewed flames.

“Do you have any ideas on how to beat this thing, old boy?”
“Do I have any ideas? You told me to trust you.” I focused my brain muscles to come up with a plan then continued, “Well it eats gladiators. Maybe I can get eaten alive by it and cut its head off from the inside.”
“I think I might take over for this fight sir.”

I felt a surge of energy rush through me. I lost control of my body to my new sword friend. The fear from having to fight a fire-breathing robot dinosaur evaporated from my hairless pores. Even though I had only just met Swordy I still trusted him. I, at least, trusted him more with fighting a 25 foot fire-breathing robot dinosaur than I trusted myself.

“Round one, Fight,” a Japanese voice announced over the speakers.

The dinosaur opened its mouth, exposing buzz saws behind its chainsaw teeth, and let out a massive roar. If I was still in control of my body I would have pooped.

If I got hit by the flaming breath I would die. If the dinosaur touched me with its chainsaw teeth I would die. The dinosaur could crush me, beat me, slash me, burn me, eat me, mince me or give me a fear heart attack.

“Don’t you worry old boy. We have this. I’ve fought many of these robots in my time. All we have to do is immobilize it by cutting one of its legs off. Then we can run up its back and stab it in the top of its head, frying its electro-brain.”
Swordy had given me comfort. I ran at the dinosaur and it locked its glowing green eyes with mine. It opened its mouth again but this time let out a spew of red orange fire. I leaped through the fire and did an army roll into the flames.

They say burning to death is a horrible way to die. Not the worst though, that would be drowning. I would rather horrifically burn to death in a future fuelled by chaos in a death battle against a prehistoric robot carnivore than drowning in a bathtub. If I had any hair at all I would have caught fire and burned a gloriously horrific death.

I was still alive and right next to the dinosaur. With a snicker-snack I swung my light-katana and cut off the dinosaur’s leg. In a big crunch of metal the dinosaur fell to the ground.

Exhausted, I fell to the ground.

The crowd gasped in horror.

“You haven’t killed it yet, old boy. You’ve lost your chance.”

My body had given out before I had the chance to destroy the Tyrannosaurus Mex’s computer-brain.

I looked over to the fallen dinosaur and saw its leg reattach itself to its body. While it was rebuilding itself he locked his glowing red eyes on mine. Without thinking I grabbed Swordy, pulled myself up and leaped away as he unleashed a fiery blast at where I was lying seconds before.

I ran to the far end of the arena. I could see stairs leading out of the death arena. There were no gates and I had given my all in the blood sport to no avail. I was never one for quitting but it was either quit or get roasted. The fiery robotic demonsaur was gaining distance on me and I was nearly in the crowd of thirsty onlookers.

“The only escape is battle. You can’t run from this. This is where you have to be,” Swordy thought to me.
I ignored the sword’s pleas and ran as fast as I could at the stairs. Then I hit something. And that something hit back. A force launched me back in the direction I was running from. First towards my dino-pursuer and then past him. I tumbled backwards and landed on my right-arm. The pain throbbed and I knew my arm was broken.

As I was lying on the sandy ground I saw that the dinosaur had ran into the same force-field I had ran into. I should have known there would be force fields in the future. I was stupid and my mistake may have cost me more than my arm.
The crowd laughed hysterically at the sight of a 24 foot death machine getting pushed comically through the air. The dinosaur landed in a crash a metre in front of me.

“Now is your chance, old boy.”

I put my weight on Swordy to steady myself up and clumsily gripped the hilt of my sword with my left hand. I moved as quickly as my broken body would allow to the heap of dinosaur.
I lifted the light-katana over my heads and plunged it into the brain of my fearsome foe.
The crowd went nuts “Caveman! Caveman!”
It was over, I survived.

“Thank you, Swordy.”
“It was a pleasure sir, and my name isn’t Swordy. It’s Draco.”

Trumpets sounded and a lean man with a pink moustache appeared in a balcony overlooking the arena.
“For the first time in half a decade we have had a champion capable of defeating a T-Mex without a ranged weapon. Congratulations Champion Caveman, you have earned a well-deserved night’s rest. Rest up, for tomorrow’s match will be much more dangerous.”

My gate opened up. I waved to my fans as I walked back inside. I was greeted by the giant. He wasn’t that big. 9 foot, basically a dwarf.
“I’m keeping the sword and I would prefer you didn’t touch me with your spear,” I told the former giant as I gripped the hilt of Draco.
“Right this way, sir.”