Terminal - [Short Story - Costa Concordia Shipwreck]

negativer (62) in fiction • 7 years ago (edited)

(story preview only)

This is an entry for round one of @steemfluencer's Shipwreck writing contest.

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fiction thewritersblock writing shipwreck story

7 years ago by negativer (62)

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cosimo (58) · 7 years ago (edited)

That was great! You've got some very nice descriptions. It sounds like you've actually been arrested by cruise-cops before. Well done.

The bit about Sarah going to school and not having much time for him was perfect in foreshadowing. It didn't trip me up with worry, so the happy story kept going forward, but it was enough to sit in the back of my mind and allow the ending to "tie things together."

BTW at 21 if I found out a girl did that to me, and then heard that her ship sunk. I'd feel the same. It may not be the most moral thing, but it's definitely believable.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Excellent! Thanks for catching that hint about her being randomly 'unavailable'; that was indeed my intent, so that it would make sense later that he wouldn't know about her deception all along.

I agree, if I was that age of 21 (I wish I still was!) I would absolutely want to see her go down with the ship. Not nice, but probably accurate.

bluerthangreen (60) · 7 years ago

Holy crap. Jason went from madly in love to glad she was presumably dead. He'll hath no fury like a man scorned, er something like that. Good story, well done kid.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Yea, he was a bit salty about the whole situation, I think. Thanks for reading!

iamthegray (62) · 7 years ago

I don't know if this is supposed to be a sad story but I find it rather funny.

First, he stakes all he has on a girl who is just flirting with him; then gets arrested for a crime he didn't commit and finally get a break up call (she couldn't even tell him in person).

At the end of the day, seems the arrest was a good thing after all. Even the breakup absolves him of any guilt he could have felt on bringing her on the trip. I believe he wanted to say "Good riddance"

However, my conspiratorial mind couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't a grand scheme (by Sarah, I mean).

PS: Do we get a sequel? I really want to know how Jason clears himself of the charges.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

I like your interpretation here. Yeah, he put all his eggs in one basket (a bit too soon, I think) and then things go badly for him. It's sort of a 'comedy of errors' type story, and it sounds like you found that humor too.

I like your thought that maybe he means 'Good riddance'. Slightly less brutal than him just being happy she might be dead.

Thanks for reading!

geneeverett (61) · 7 years ago

Wow
Such a horrid sad tale.
It’s scary thinking about being trapped in there!

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

I couldn't imagine being there. I'm hoping I never have to find out! Thx for reading!

jayna (69) · 7 years ago

Oh my! I only just read this piece. It is awful and absolutely delicious. Very salty!

I loved how you built the suspense. I was absolutely riveted. Wonderful work, @negativer.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Aha, thank you so much @jayna! Proper use right of the term 'salty' in your comment as well. You're on fire today!

Thanks for reading! :)

jayna (69) · 7 years ago

Thank you for teaching me about the word "salty"!

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therosepatch (56) · 7 years ago

DUDE.

That was rough, man.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Rough. Like the ocean under a sinking ship. Yes.

Thanks for reading!

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jonknight (59) · 7 years ago

I am, uhm... on board with this one. Halfway through I was thinking Good. Someone else who doesn't want to kill off these guys. And then.

Great story. Excellent work.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Thanks @jonknight.

I admit I initially wanted to kill them off, but restrained myself. It was difficult :)

steemfluencer (53) · 7 years ago

I really tried hard predicting that you won't let them get on board. Got half the points. Another great submission of yours under my challenges!

Will announce the prompts for Round 3 later today.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Thanks for reading! Looking forward to the next round! :)

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steemfluencer (53) · 7 years ago

Just announced it about 15 mins ago. Leave a short comment there to let me know what do you think on the prompts given this time.

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steemedchitty (56) · 7 years ago (edited)

I liked this very much! More than liked, I think I picked up some stuff I should add more of to my writing.

I could really see the concordia's massive body as Jason marveled at it, in part thanks to the comparisons with mountains and the mental image of a snowy array, heh.

That selfish girl could have at least told the officers she'd planted drugs in his baggage! At least to save him some explaining back there.

If anything, I think his reactions to what happened may have been a tad rushed, or perhaps simply too structured for such a shocking moment. That said, they're also pretty believable. Really well done!

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Thanks! Yea, the dialogue is a bit more truncated than I would have liked, but with the word count limit...you do what you can :)

Thanks much for reading!

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steemedchitty (56) · 7 years ago

Yeah, I've been there. The word count goes up and up and you're just beginning to get into the juicy bits. It's a struggle! But it's fine. I think this kind of story is more about the action, the mystery, the big reveal, and you did it nicely.

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negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Super true. It's worse when you've written the whole thing and find you're like 400 words over, and then surgical cutting must begin. It's a slaughter of words.

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steemedchitty (56) · 7 years ago

Hahaha! Exactly my experience in the matter.

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jadegreene (49) · 7 years ago

Ha! Great take on this!! I love that you didn’t make it a love story, but more of a scorned lover... I was wondering what was going on with Sarah as soon as she said “umm... wow” in response to the cruise! Great job and good luck in the competition!

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Thanks for reading! I did try to set a couple clues early on to tip the reader off :)

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morodiene (59) · 7 years ago

"Good."

Oh, the salt. And you almost think the same thing. Almost.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

I'd think it. I'm pretty sure I would :)

steemedchitty (56) · 7 years ago

I did, 100% did. Dunno if I would think it in Jason's shoes tho! I'm not one for the vengeful thoughts most of the time.

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caleblailmusik (56) · 7 years ago

OH MY GOD I CUSS WORDED IN MY HEAD AT THE END.
UGHHHH you're more bitter than the espresso I had for breakfast this morning!
I loved it. It's kinda odd, the twists and turns it made that were awfully convenient and/or unnecessary, but that's okay. I'd explain myself, but I have class in ten minutes.
Keep it up homie! (This is what y'all were talking about with a shipwreck in the queue!)

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Yea, there is a bit of convenience to the setup, but most stories/movies/tv shows have little contrived things that happen at awfully convenient times. (I'd be happy to hear what you feel might be the worst offenders there, tell me on discord!)

I'm glad I got you to swear though....in your head. Mission accomplished! :)

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caleblailmusik (56) · 7 years ago

Getting me to swear was the mission?? Goodness.

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negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Well, it was A mission. Lets not get cocky here!

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caleblailmusik (56) · 7 years ago

Cocky is my mid... nah, I ain't gonna lie like that. My middle name is Conceited.

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joyyrush (38) · 7 years ago

Hmmm.... a sequel perhaps? Sarah survived, her boyfriend didn't. She took it as a sign from God that she messed up big time. Pursued Jason; was rebuffed. Became a nun... The End.

negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Woo...i like that. Could be a great sequel :)

inkatieskitchen (54) · 7 years ago

Dude. So salty!!! She kind of pissed me off though. Good story!

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negativer (62) · 7 years ago

Thanks for reading @inkatieskitchen :)

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boomerang (56) · 7 years ago

This post has received a 2.23 % upvote from @boomerang thanks to: @negativer

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eastcoaststeem (45) · 7 years ago

This post has been deemed resteem & upvote worthy by your friendly @eastcoaststeem ran by Steemian @chelsea88

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appreciator (66) · 7 years ago

This post has received gratitude of 1.54 % from @appreciator thanks to: @negativer.

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