A Change Gonna Come - Finish the Story Contest, WEEK 32

raj808 (71) in fiction • 6 years ago (edited)

View this post on Hive: A Change Gonna Come - Finish the Story Contest, WEEK 32

6 years ago by raj808 (71)

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erh.germany (64) · 6 years ago

Well, then, it's good. I was afraid that it would offend you if I didn't find your figure particularly mature. Big ego and a kind of breakneck courage, but it's not a beautiful and not a noble one, but an angry daring that makes others small to elevate himself to greatness and seemingly die a heroic death, not without pulling some cowards along.

But honestly, I'm glad it wasn't a lie after all and that your character let himself be blinded by his own pessimism and hopelessness. Well, that speaks volumes.

Your style is very powerful, and I didn't really read the words, but rather went into a kind of intoxication from them, which I tried to resist inwardly.

A quite dramatic birth, an equally dramatic awakening for this special man. May those who took care of their own be less strict with themselves. May he forgive himself for having lost his beloved.

Uhm ... amen ;-)

Really well told and very unusual how you let the "I-form" flow in.

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2 votes

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raj808 (71) · 6 years ago

Thanks for the interesting and insightful comment @erh.germany... and I think you are right. The main character isn't exactly complex (or mature). With more words to play with I hope I could have made him less one dimensional but I got swept away in the first person present perspective that I was playing with and spent a lot of my allotted words in the visceral descriptions of sensation.

I'm glad to hear that the I-form flowed well and brought an intensity to the story for you. It is encouraging as that's part of why I chose to use that POV. Now I'm thinking about redrafting/rewriting this with my own beginning to see if I can build a little more on the character. Cheers for your comment :-)

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1 vote

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erh.germany (64) · 6 years ago (edited)

Oh, this character of yours - which I perceived as exaggerated - only would have been one dimensional if the story wouldn't have changed. The contrast you put on I liked and I was delighted that you did insert several dimensions by opposing the people who were hiding to your main character, just like the end of the story.

The fact that I was inwardly angry with the man and emotionally attuned to him does not change the fact that betrayal and powerlessness offend the ego. My comment reflected my world-weariness about it and that I let myself be infected by hopelessness, although I don't want that at all. Without the strongly drawn extreme in one character, the other side would also be less noticeable, and the symbolism we use in writing represents that.

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bananafish (61) · 6 years ago

Wow, what an insightful exegesis.

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erh.germany (64) · 6 years ago

Never the cool reader, I am. I give you my subjectivity, what else should I do?
Don't wanna grease nor belittle a writer. But be authentic and not lie.

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f3nix (59) · 6 years ago

That's the way and thanks.

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co-in (55) · 6 years ago

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f3nix (59) · 6 years ago

I was also surprised for the first person you adopted, it came unexpected after the inner monologue. I liked this character: not necessarily they've to be noble or pure for them to be appreciated by the reader. Like everything around him, his soul has been eroded by that thin dark sand.

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raj808 (71) · 6 years ago

Like everything around him, his soul has been eroded by that thin dark sand.

Absolutely, a man embittered by the dawning realization that everything he fought for, everything he believed, is a lie. A bit of a gung-ho soldier type but well there are plenty of those about in this world. Simple people can be the best at instinctual activities.

I was also surprised for the first person you adopted, it came unexpected after the inner monologue.

Ha ha, yeah. I was just experimenting and I also love that POV. When it is done right it is awesome. Thanks for reading and your comment f3nix :-)

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1 vote

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theironfelix (62) · 6 years ago

The I-perspective, a pure focus of the I that it isn’t called every sentence! What blasphemy! Nah, I be a teaser now after finally being out of me tipsy state. For I (and yes screw you we all share this “I” as well) certainly felt the character as I could imagine the scenes and their development. To be able to act it out and see how each scene, even if they’re random to each other, neccesitated the next scene’s existence. How even if it is all illusory, that our little friend’s vision could facilitate the progression of the upcoming scenes and make them flow naturally. And with so much done in one area and in a slow pace to allow them to flow, you made a mere chapter that could end right there. (Like that period there and this period here.) Yet one where you can, and without the need to justify it, pick up on the story again and make another chapter right after it.

See this is where I probably could’ve been if I hadn’t been drunk, tired as shit, not cramming a story in two-three hours within 500-words and decided not to cut necessary padding. Albeit from there, I think my ending could’ve fared way better with a “jump-cut” to the breach inside the tower and had saved an extra 350+ words (yes I counted) to focus solely on the inside portion of the tower.

Upvoted and resteem’d.

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raj808 (71) · 6 years ago

Ha ha, yes the I isn't all encompassing on this ending. I, or rather, me felt like the perspective was justified to give it that 'in the head' feel. Thanks for your comment theironfelix

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blockurator (65) · 6 years ago

Another good one. You have a way of taking a good story and making it better.

I love how these sci-fi stories come together. I've read this particular one several times by different authors and they're all good. Perfect stuff for the Speculative Fiction Writers of Steemit. I'm proud to have you as a member, @raj808.

#speculativefiction

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raj808 (71) · 6 years ago

Thanks blockurator... I really love writing sci fi, the more I practice. The 'finish the story' contest is something which suits my personality as a writing exercise. It always seems to do the trick in removing creative block. More so than any other writers prompt I've ever used. Thanks for the encouragement mate, and reading my ending :-)

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1 vote

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steem-ua (64) · 6 years ago

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agmoore (64) · 6 years ago

That is lovely, the way you picked up on the title and tied it in to the end of deception. The awakening is not just the green sprout, and life--but awareness. Sometimes (in your stories) you go really dark, and that can be hard to take (for me) but here there was darkness and then light. It's nice sometimes to find redemption. Maybe not realistic, but inspiring.

I liked your story and I liked the interior monologue.

Funny, I just read about finding salt water on Mars and the likelihood of oxygen and primitive life. I thought about that as your story ended.

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raj808 (71) · 6 years ago

Thanks agmoore. Yes I can go dark... quite often to be fair. It's part of my experience and personality. You know what they say, "write what you know".

I'm glad you saw the redemption at the end. I sit of wanted it to be an analogy for how many people live in this blinkered state of delusion, not seeing the hope that is all around them. Thanks for you comment :-)

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1 vote

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agmoore (64) · 6 years ago

I grew up in a quite dark universe--I think I've been rebelling against that darkness all my (very long) life. Always looking for green sprouts--think we have one in you. Keep writing. I'll keep reading:)

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