The Reminders: Doubts. ( part 4/6 )

We never made plans. He would call me to meet that night and if I already had plans, we'd agree for the next day or the one after that. The reliability of our relationship was 3 days. I tried to enjoy the ephemerality and not get attached to the future I sometimes dreamed of. Of course I talk a big game. I felt sad a lot.

Almost every time I saw him I brought him something, usually related to our talks or just because I felt like getting it to him. I think giving freely and not expecting anything in return is an act of courage and almost a rebellion. I don't like games but I understand that by refusing to play your part, doesn't mean you're not in the play anymore. That's all fun until it isn't, like most games you play by yourself.

In the month we've dated I gave him: a book about cars, a book about meditation, bio chips, almond milk, one t-shirt, one belt, a pair of socks, an oliveoil soap and a "Smile" sticker.

In the month we've dated he gave me: nothing.

Do I seem frivolous to you, tallying presents and bookkeeping who's behind and what does it all mean? I hope not but I can see it like that. Sometimes I feel this way too but I'm not or I don't want to. I just observe and know, despite my desire to be a bigger person, I don't want to be a fool either. Can you be an understanding, enlightened individual without being suckered? I know it's possible because I know I wouldn't take advantage of such person. If I'm out there, he should be out there too. But I wasn't sure it was him. I was less sure by the day.

The week before last we went to a party and two girls flirted with him in front of me. He chatted happily with them while ignoring me most of the time and at the end took my hand and smiled like a cat who dragged a mouse and is awaiting praises. I felt sorry for him and tried to be understanding and nice and show him a better way. He got mad at me for not being jealous -
" You really are with me just for the show, you have no intention to be around for long. "
I told him we don't need to prove anything to anyone.
"Right, always the preacher" he said.
I was trying to save a damsel in distress that didn't want to be saved. Even if the damsel was a prince.
“What are you frustrated about? Be honest. What is it exactly that you are so frustrated about?” I asked.
He didn’t know how to answer and was smart enough not to bullshit me. Still, I was disappointed.
We went to his apartment and had bad sex and in the morning it was everything alright again.