It was a question as old as mankind. Chainsaw or ax? A difficult decision at the best of times. In the midst of the zombie apocalypse it was a matter of life and death. In this instance it was merely a matter of aesthetics or taste. The chainsaw is great, even though it can't really cope with cutting through chains. A wood saw cuts through wood, but the chainsaw lost its way. Ed knew he was going to go for the ax, but he did like to check out all of his options. On the surface the chainsaw might appear the best choice. It's far more modern and much more terrifying for some reason. Anyone who's ever used a chainsaw will be able to tell you one of their major flaws is the fact they have a tendency to stall. That's not something they do in all those movies. Unless of course you've only got 5 seconds to do something with the chainsaw. Then it will start up with 2 seconds to go.
In real life that never happens. Principally because there are no zombie apocalypses. It's a not a thing. Then there's the fact if you've got a stalled chainsaw, it's not going to start in less than 5 seconds. You're fucked in other words. Not wanting to be fucked, in these particular circumstances, Ed opted for the ax. Not because it was less anachronistic, Ed had never cared about anachronisms, now wasn't the time to start. He'd come out top in trial by jury, today he was screwing about with trial by combat. It wasn't even his trial. The accused was already dead anyway. Ed had killed him. Along with four other men. They might have been jurors. If so they'd picked the wrong day not to avoid jury service. Ed comforted himself with the knowledge everyone is guilty of something. And while crossing the road without looking isn't a capital offence in most places, it probably was in at least one.
The two protagonists faced off. One heavily armored and wielding a chain mace. The other in smart casual dress holding that ax. The chain mace swung, Ed dodged. Then the armored guy's head came off and the verdict was in. Whatever the accused was guilty of, Ed was innocent of. The crowd went wild. Justice had been served. Now all that remained was some stretches and the cool down. Those muscles could tighten up after a workout like that. As usual there was the obligatory feast, where the spectators and nobles could eat and drink till they were sick. Ed and Biggie were giving that a miss. They'd already had a feast that day. After the marriage by combat they'd attended.
Biggie was waiting for him back in the changing room. As soon as Ed walked in, he looked up from the book he was reading. Stuck out his left wrist, then tapped it with his finger.
"Tempus fugit?" Biggie advised.
Ed looked confounded for a moment.
"Oh shit." He exclaimed. "I got distracted again didn't I. Why are we supposed to be here again?"
The small man sighed.
"We came to fetch Andy, Daisy and Caroline. You remember them don't you? They live with you."
"I can remember Daisy and Caroline, who was the other one again?" This received a disapproving look. "Just kidding."
"We've been here a month now." There was an element of reprimand in the tone. "How are we supposed to find them, if we haven't actually looked for them?"
"No problem. We don't have to find them, they have to find us. That's why I'm maintaining such a high profile."
"Is any that true?"
"No. It just came to me so I said it. I can be very creative as far as the truth is concerned."
"Being creative with the truth? Isn't that lying?"
"Possibly, in the strictest sense of the word. I prefer to think of it as the alternative truth. Things aren't black and white. It's all shades of grey. I suppose you have to draw the line somewhere, but I haven't reached that point yet. I'm still in the massive grey bit."
The two of them picked up their few belongings, then headed out of the walled town. Along the poorly paved path that served as a road in whatever time period this was set. They'd been walking for about an hour before either spoke again. Two men comfortable with one another. No need for small talk. No need for most words. They stopped at a small lake, skipped a few stones across the water, before heading onward. Up a moderately steep incline towards a ridge.
"Sooooo." Biggie opened. "We're going to track down the others now. When we find them, we can head back home."
"Yes."
"Do you promise?" Came the skeptical response.
Ed placed his hand on his heart.
"I do so swear. Just don't let me get distracted. Not by anything. It'll all be fine as long as I don't get distracted."
Biggie paused short of the brow. Cast his eyes back upon the town they'd left behind in the distance. Shaking his head ruefully he turned back. Ed was nowhere in sight. A distant yippee was all that remained.
"Awwww fuck, what has he found now?"
As the days, then weeks, had passed, tempers had frayed of course. Many a harsh word had been spoken. All of them sailing completely over Andy's head. Women are far more subtle you see. They have a lot of subtext in what they say. That's why so few men understand them. Most of those men who claim to understand women, only do so to get their dicks wet. They've really got no idea how or what a woman feels. All they know is they want one to have sex with them, and this is the only way they can come up with to get some.
They'd been camped at the hot spring for two days now. Andy was worried about this. He'd run out of ham and cheese sandwiches, wth mayo, several days ago. So while the ladies bathed and washed their clothing, he'd walked around the area with the broken compass. Chafing at the bit to continue their journey. Remaining here for a few days had been a difficult decision for him to make. In the end their death threats eventually swayed him. There was food aplenty here. Some of it didn't need killing. It could be picked and made into a salad or vegetable stew.
Andy returned from his morning scouting mission. Looking forward to his afternoon and evening scouting missions. You couldn't exactly say things weren't going to plan. There hadn't been a plan. It was more a case of this had happened before so it would happen again. Every previous time Andy found himself in this scenario, he'd been extracted by Ed. So his IT brain told him this would be the case this time. Now he wasn't so sure. Those earlier visits had only lasted a couple of days at most. Now he was worrying the broken compass might not be working properly. That was one of the reasons for his scouting. Another was evading Caroline or Daisy asking questions he didn't have the answers to. Yet another reason greeted him as he reached the edge of the hot spring.
They were naked again. Washing themselves. Naked women did things to him. A fact he hadn't known until he'd seen these naked women. Obviously, as a nerd, he'd seen a lot of naked women. Hundreds in fact. Those naked women hadn't been able to see him though. He'd been safely on the other side of a computer screen. When the naked ladies could see you, the whole paradigm shifted. Andy had no experience of reacting to naked ladies in the flesh. His own flesh was reacting to them. Now they might see this as a compliment. If they did see it, he'd die of embarrassment. As far as Caroline and Daisy being nude was concerned, he didn't know where to look. He knew where his eyes wanted to look. Maybe if he walked over here and looked at something, they'd have finished by the time his erection dissipated. He could hear them talking and splashing. Not what they were saying. It wouldn't have filtered through to his brain in any case.
The thing was, despite how irritating and annoying Andy was, the two women had come to accept him. They'd passed through tolerating him, with a few hiccups and some mild bruising. They'd learned to depend on him. Because you could always depend on Andy to be pure Andy. That didn't mean they'd accept all his bullshit. It meant they dealt with it in non-fatal ways. You could say, in a sense, they'd become quite fond of him.
"Keith likes him, and she's very particular about who she associates with." Caroline stated as she scrubbed Daisy's back.
"He kind of grows on you." Daisy admitted.
"Like a fungus." Came the humorous response.
They both giggled.
"Speaking of fungus, do you think those mushrooms we found are edible? I'd love some fried mushrooms."
"Me too. They look like they are. I mean they seem to be the same as the ones I buy at the supermarket."
"It's a bit of a risk though."
Daisy and Caroline exchanged meaningful looks. Carolie grinned.
"Of course there is one sure way we can find out if they're poisonous or not."
Daisy nodded.
"Let's make sure we give him less than a fatal dose though."