99 Bottles of Beer (Bullshit Research, Part 7/Final Part)

Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Another Friday evening at the lab. The assistant is packing his stuff. One last check if the Bunsen burner is turned off so no gas explosion will happen over the weekend. One last check if the incubator is closed properly, has the right temperature and shakes the bottles in an appropriate frequency. Is everything off, safe, frozen, thawed? Everything stored away and locked? It appears so.

”Have a nice weekend, boss!” He calls through the dark lab towards the sliver of light under Dr. Lemoine’s office door. He’s almost gone when he hears her call for him. He sighs. So much about calling it a day. ”One moment, on my way!”

As he sees her standing in the frame of the now opened office door, he notices how tired she looks. And tiny. She’s a whole head shorter than him but her presence alone usually makes him feel smaller than her. Younger. Way too inexperienced. For some reason, that’s not the case at this very moment. She just seems … lonely.

”What are your plans for this evening?” She asks.

”Jason and I wanted to grab some beer at that new bar down the street. Our friends told us that it is pretty cool and that they have some weird beer flavors. Why?”

She’s visibly uncomfortable with the situation but pushes herself anyway.

”Would you mind me tagging along?”

The assistant’s heart skips a beat. That would ruin the whole evening. He can’t get drunk with his boss nearby!

”I … I don’t know if Jason would feel comfortable with that”, he tries to grasp for an excuse that doesn’t let him seem like a big asshole. He needs this job. Dr. Lemoine seems to shrink even more. It breaks his heart. ”But I think he won’t mind. So yes, why not. See you there at 9?” He can’t believe he just invited his boss to join him and his boyfriend for drinks.

But Dr. Lemoine seems suddenly a lot happier.

”I’ll try not to be too embarrassing”, she promises.

The assistant holds on to that promise as he enters the bar later that evening, grasping his boyfriend’s hand tightly. She’s already sitting at the bar. She’s already slightly drunk it seems.

”Good to see you, Dr. Lemoine”, the assistant greets her, less than enthusiastic. ”May I introduce my boyfriend Jason? Jason, this is Dr. Lemoine, my boss.”

”Very nice to meet you”, Jason says with a warm smile and shakes the Doctor’s outstretched hand.

”The pleasure is all mine. But please, call me Karen. Kai has talked about you so much and it feels weird not to be on first name basis when we three are about to have a beer with each other.”

The assistant looks at her in shock. He didn’t even know that she knew his first name. He didn’t even know her first name. She is clearly already drunk.

”Sit boys, sit. I ordered you two of those interesting beers they serve here. I already had a taste of each one and let me tell you, this one is the best.” She signals the bartender and he brings two bottles of beer and places them in front of Kai and Jason. They both thank Karen and take a sip.

The beer tastes surprisingly nice.

The evening progresses and bit by bit, Kai learns why Dr. Lemoine … Karen … is suddenly so different. Her mom, who had battled breast cancer for a while, had lost the fight and passed away earlier this morning. It had broken down her professional façade and left a sad woman behind. It broke Kai’s heart a bit.

”But you know”, she slurs, ”I think she’s in a better place now. God, no god, afterlife, no afterlife, it doesn’t matter. Even hell can’t be as bad as what she had to endure at the end. Everything was just …”

”Hey, is this new bar seriously serving those disgusting fags? Unbelievable!” The voice of a huge guy interrupts Karen’s story. The bar falls silent and all eyes move towards Jason and Kai, who had been holding hands and exchanging kisses on the check from time to time. Now they just look scared.

The huge guy approaches them.

”Disgusting, that’s what you two are. A shame for humanity.” He spits out. ”I should just …”

”Turn around and leave?” This time, it’s Dr. Lemoine who interrupts him, which seems to anger him even more.

”Shut your mouth, ugly bitch. I wasn’t talking to you.”

”What a shame, I was talking to you and you will listen to me. Those two wonderful boys didn’t do you any harm and you should leave them alone.”

”Or what?” He laughs a dirty laugh.

Suddenly, Dr. Lemoine holds one of the beer bottles in her hand.

”A full beer bottle breaks at 30 J impact energy when dropped in a drop-tower”, she mutters. ”An empty bottle, on the other hand, breaks at 40 J. Both are more than enough to fracture the human neurocranium and thus lead to serious injuries.” She takes a swing at the guy who is so surprised that he just barely manages to avoid being hit.

”Are you mad?”, he exclaims.

”While an intact bottle can only cause blunt injuries”, Dr. Lemoine grinds her teeth, ”a broken bottle can cause sharp trauma and bleeding.” She bashes the bottle against the bar which shatters it and lunges forward again. But this time, the guy is prepared and swings his fist towards her head.

The lights go out for Dr. Lemoine.

”Kai! Kai! She’s waking up! Finally!”

When Dr. Lemoine opens her eyes, she finds herself in a hospital bed, her head throbbing. Kai, her assistant, and Jason, his boyfriend are looking down on her. Slowly, she remembers what happens.

”Oh god. I really should stop drinking alcohol”, she moans. ”What happened after that big asshole got me?”

”The bouncer came in and got rid of him, then he called an ambulance for you”, Kai explains. ”What you did … I can’t say I expected this. In fact, I couldn’t have been more surprised. Thank …”

”Don’t thank me. That was the alcohol.” Dr. Lemoine rubs her eyes and groans. ”What time is it?”

”Well, it’s 10 am. Monday.”

”Monday? We have ongoing experiments! You should be in the lab!” She scolds him. Kai grins.

”I’m on my way, Dr. Lemoine. I’m on my way.”
_@suesa

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Source:

Are full or empty beer bottles sturdier and does their fracture-threshold suffice to break the human skull?

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Picture taken from pixabay.com

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