A Christmas Story?

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”Fuck them. Fuck them all. I can’t stand this anymore.”

”Jesus, calm down! Is it really that bad?”

Jesus looked at Gabriel and frowned.

”Of course it is. Have you seen what they’re doing? Total bullshit! They’re acting like it’s my birthday, which is completely wrong by the way, and then on top of that, they’re giving each other gifts? Are you kidding me? Do you know how long it has been since anybody gifted me anything?”

”I remember some woman trying to give you some nice oil …”

”THAT WAS 2000 YEARS AGO! I WAS CRUCIFIED SHORTLY AFTER!”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. Jesus could be such a drama queen sometimes, especially on Christmas. Every year the same discussion. It’s not like he could just leave the humans be humans.

”If it’s all so horrible, why don’t you go down and tell them how to do it right? Or are you just going to stand here, complaining for several days?” Like every year, Gabriel silently added in his thoughts. Jesus seemed to think about it for a minute.

”You know what”, he said, ”I guess you’re right. I should go down and tell them to get their shit together. In fact, I’m going right now!” _@suesa
”Do you think that is wise?” Gabriel already regretted his suggestion. This couldn’t end well.

”I’m Jesus. Everything I do is wise.”

”Even the thing with the fig tree? That seemed a little bit over the top …”

”That tree totally deserved to die. I was hungry and it was not carrying any fruit.”

”It wasn’t the season and you knew that. You just wanted to show off your powers.”

The pissed look from Jesus made Gabriel bite his tongue. Maybe not the best moment for criticism of past actions. But when was it ever? What would Jesus do? Certainly not something completely thought through.

”It’s settled, I’m going. Tell my father I’ll be gone for a few days.”

”You know that he already knows. Being omniscient and all.”

”Smartass.” Shaking his head, Jesus turned around. In the blink of an eye, his clothing changed to something appropriate for the occasion. A dark, woolen coat, some winter boots, a pair of jeans, a thick scarf and a pink beanie.

”Why the pink beanie?” Gabriel asked, slightly confused.

”To piss off some homophobes, why else?” And with that he vanished into thin air. Gabriel let out a sigh. Part of him was looking forward to the events that might unfold, the other part dreaded even more complaining during the coming centuries.

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It was already dark. One more thing Jesus didn’t like about the fact that they put his alleged birthday in the middle of winter: It was just too dark and too cold. Longingly, he thought back to the country of his birth. So warm, so sunny. They wouldn’t have put Christmas in the middle of fucking winter, he knew it. But the damn Europeans just had to adopt the religion and let it all go to shit. And then came the Americans with their pseudo-Christianity…

”A small donation for hungry children in Africa, Mister?” A small woman, at least 60 years old, was holding a donation box into his face with a pleading look.

Of course, Jesus had no money. But those who can turn water into wine can surely turn air into money. He gave that woman $10.

”God bless you, have a wonderful Christmas!”

”Sure, whatever.” He could have given her more, but how much would have been enough? Creating money out of nothing would just ruin everything in the long run. He didn’t want to destroy the economy.

Not again.

His feet lead him to a big mall with a giant Christmas tree propped up in the middle. People were buying the last gifts. Why did so many people wait until the 23rd?

Suddenly, Jesus noticed that he had no idea what he wanted to do. Perform some miracles? People would just blame it on cheap magic tricks. Reveal himself as the son of God and tell everyone they should change their ways? The guy he passed on his way here had already been doing that.

Jesus sat down on one of the benches. Somehow, going back to earth had sounded like a better idea when he had been arguing with Gabriel. Humanity just wasn’t the same as it had been 2000 years ago. They were so many more people. Their wars were so much worse, their hatred so much more intense. He wished that he could just ask his father for a new flood to give it all a fresh start …

… but why wait for his father to do that? Why not do it himself? And maybe not a flood, that was so outdated. He wanted something more … fitting.

A man in red clothes walked by. Santa Claus. They were everywhere, people associated Christmas more with this fat man with a white beard than with Jesus. His hands curled into fists. Maybe he should give them a reason for that.

”Hey, Santa!” He called out and the man turned around, giving him a beaming smile.

”How can I help you, young man?” Jesus stood up from the bench and approached the costumed actor.

”I have a Christmas wish. Can I tell you? In secret?” The man seemed a bit confused but gave his best to stay in Character.

”Of course, son. Want to whisper it in my ear?” Jesus did just that. Santa’s eyes went blank. Then he left. Now it was time to sit back and wait for things to unfold.

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Santas were marching the streets. Myriads of men in red, bulky clothing came from seemingly everywhere. Knocking down doors, coming into rooms and dragging the screaming inhabitants outside. It was like a scene from a bad horror movie.

Jesus watched with delight. Best. Christmas. Ever.

”Jesus, what do you think you’re doing?” Gabriel appeared out of seemingly thin air and stared at Jesus in disgust. ”What the actual fuck is happening?”

”I was in the mood for a small apocalypse. Don’t worry, only those who didn’t go to church all year are subject to this. Although those aren’t really any better. Maybe I’ll come for them some other time.”

”Have you gone completely mad? Is this just because you’re pissed about them not properly celebrating your Birthday?”

”It is not even my birthday! They worship this fat, old man, not me! And if they really feel like doing that, fine.”

”Come on, Jesus, stop that. It’s childish.”

”YOU are childish.” Now actual tears were forming in Jesus’ eyes. ”You don’t know what it feels like! I gave them everything, I suffered for them and what are they doing? They pervert everything that’s even slightly connected to me. They abuse my name for their hateful speech and then expect to still be able to go to heaven. And the worst thing? They are going to heaven, because I literally died for all of them, no matter their faith or behavior! Tell me that isn’t something to be upset about, come on!”

In this moment Gabriel realized something he hadn’t ever thought about before. Jesus wasn’t like God. He wasn’t just an eternal, omnipotent creature. Not 100% at least. He had been born a human, grown up as a human, made human experiences, suffered and died as a human.

He had feelings like a human. And nobody was taking care of that.

Gabriel approached Jesus, slowly, and put his armed around his shoulders.

”Let’s go home. End this and just come back home with me.”

Like a hurt child, Jesus wiped away some tears, hesitated for a moment and then took a deep breath. Gabriel could almost feel the tension fade. Jesus raised a hand and waved it in the general direction of the horde of Santa Zombies, making them vanish.

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”I can’t believe you managed to bake an actual cake. And how did you even fit that many candles on it?! That has to be a record.”

”Supernatural powers”, Gabriel grinned. ”Come on, blow them out and make a wish.”

”Can I wish to have this every birthday from now on?” Jesus asked with a hopeful face.

”Sure, if it keeps you from terrorizing humanity, why not.”

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Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Pictures taken from pixabay.com