LuLu Biggs Arrives: Ultimate Wrestling Will Never Be The Same - Ch.1

A Michigan State trooper sat in his squad car with his laser gun sitting on his dashboard pointed at moving traffic. He was a veteran trooper and the life he’d wasted handing out speeding tickets showed with every wrinkle and scar on his face. His eyes were glazed over with boredom and the dark circles under his eyes were almost as black as his heart had become from the cruel reality he called existence. His only relief was the Preparation H he’d applied to his anus before leaving the station and the delectable chocolate donut he'd been consuming with the same hand he’d applied said hemorrhoid cream with. To say he was an ugly man would be an understatement. His only charming attribute was an epic Tom Selleck style mustache that screamed authority and gave him the distinguished look a conservative man of his ilk strives to achieve.

Suddenly he heard the 1970’s smash hit “Super Freak” by Rick James echoing in the distance which caught the officer’s attention. As he turned his head around a white 300 D Turbo Diesel Mercedes Benz from 1979 roared past him well above the speed limit clocking in at whopping 100 miles per hour. The vehicle had gold rims, hot neon pink LED's around the base, and “Benzito” tattooed across the hood in a sexy cursive font. The officer scrambled to put his safety belt on and threw his squad car into drive before taking off after the strange vehicle.

Inside the classic Mercedes another world entirely was transpiring in sharp contrast to what we’d beheld moments ago. The 600 pound extravagant “Pimp Daddy” and New York City illegal narcotics distributor, LuLu Biggs was behind the wheel having a dandy of a time with his partner and manager Slick Mick in the back seat with two of his sexiest escorts and another in the front passenger seat. The girls were all topless and seemed to be having a grand old time as Slick popped the cork on a large bottle Dom Perignon and began filling everyone’s glasses. Mr. Biggs was enjoying a nice marijuana filled blunt and the car was full of funky smoke from everyone blazing it up on their way in from the big apple.

Slick Mic: LuLu my brother from another mother! I still can’t believe that dumb sack of shit Mr. Mudcock actually accepted our demand to get rid of that “Good Boy” clause from your wrestling contract! Haha! Man! He's gonna be sorry about that decision!

LuLu Biggs: If he wanted to step foot in one of “massage parlors” again in New York he didn’t have a whole lot choice! Hear what I’m say’in playah?

Slic Mic: Oh I hear you, brother! Ain’t noth’in like messing with old rich white man’s sex life! Hahahahaha!

LuLu Biggs: No doubt. You know that shriveled up old Chinese shrew of his ain’t putting out!

The group downed their expensive drinks and began to get touchy-feely with one another until the lights of the state troopers squad car began to flash into the interior of decadent “benzito” as it had been dubbed. Slick and the girls instantly started to panic as Biggs played it cool like only a man of his caliber could.

Slick Mic: Shit LuLu! It’s the Po Po! We got a pig on our tail!

LuLu Biggs: Be cool everyone! Be cool!

Inside the squad car officer Bemus was radioing into dispatch as the standard procedure required. He could see the group clearly now in the automobile drinking Champagne and he could smell the marijuana pouring out their windows in front of him.

Officer: This is Officer Bemus… I’m in pursuit of a white Mercedes Benz speeding northbound on I-75. New York license P..I..M..P..S 69…

Radio: Pimps sixty-nine? Who are these ass clowns?

Officer: Looks like I’m about to find out…

Radio: 10 – 4 Good buddy. Good luck with that.

Biggs pulled over his extravagant diesel-powered vehicle to the side of the highway and waited for the officer to exit his vehicle. Biggs however was not fazed by the approaching police officer one bit and poured the ladies another glass of Champaign before taking a massive hit from his blunt. As the officer approached his open window Biggs exhaled the smoke straight into his face before speaking in a disrespectful tone to the authoritarian figure.

LuLu Biggs: Is there a problem officer? We're on a tight schedule here my patrolman brother. Were expected at Joe Louis arena for Friday Night Clash.

Officer Bemus: Sir you are in violation of numerous infractions! Speeding! Open consumption of alcohol and marijuana while driving! Public nudity and indecency! Now step out of the vehicle all of you because I’m hauling your degenerate asses to jail!

LuLu Biggs: Now HOLD up playah! The girls here are just having a good time and I assure you, I am more than capable of handling this fine automobile while intoxicated. I do everything in life under the influence of one substance or another. I’m a professional!

Officer Bemus: Listen you fat mother fucker! I’m only going to say this one more time! Get your fat retarded pot-smoking ass out of the car now!

LuLu Biggs: Woah playah! Don’t be a cold-blooded hater just because you see these big fine ass titties, expensive Champagne, and fine Italian leather seats! I can understand a man like yourself sees a Mac Daddy like myself enjoying the finer things in life while you spend your days rotting in some cheap American car and you’d get angry. Hell son, I’d be angry too. I heard about what these crooked ass government official mother fuckers here in Detroit did to your retirement pension and it ain’t right playah! It ain’t right!

The officer’s eyes opened wide surprised that the intoxicated flamboyant pimp from New York actually knew anything about the struggles he and his brothers and blue-faced in Detroit. His body language relaxed a little and along with it came to a somewhat softer tone.

Officer Bemus: Look. I can’t have you drinking and driving on my highway. You pour out the Champagne, put out blunts, and pass my Breathalyzer and I will let you go on your way.

LuLu Biggs: Officer, officer, officer, that’s mighty generous of you. However, I think you deserve a little love in your life. Why don’t you take Jennifer here with you and visit the nearest motel and actually live a little? You’ve sacrificed enough for the people of this city! It’s time you took a little time for yourself and got your trouser snake wet! I won’t take no for answer and neither will Jennifer! She loves a strong man in uniform!

The prostitute sitting next to LuLu waved at officer Bemus with her petite well-manicured hand and batted her eyelashes before giving her large natural breasts a little wiggle. It was clear that that the officer was becoming uncomfortable and was starting to blush at the sight of the gorgeous high-end New York escort flirting with him.

Officer Bemus: I… uh… I... uhhh

LuLu Biggs: Come on now. Don’t tell me the boy’s back at the station can’t delete the video footage from your squad car camera. You all do it all time when you need to! Enjoy yourself my brother in blue!

Officer Bemus: Well it has been years since…

LuLu Biggs: YEARS? What is there to think about?

Officer Bemus: Alright… step out of the car miss. I know a classy bar we get acquainted with.

Jennifer exited the vehicle topless, caring her halter top in her hands while being careful not to trip in her high heel stilettos. She made her way over to the officer and the two of them headed back to his vehicle. LuLu peeled out off of the shoulder and back onto the highway with his music blaring and the Champagne once again flowing. The party inside the Benzito was once again underway and the good times were rolling. The vehicle was filled laughter as much as it was with reefer smoke at what had just transpired. Twenty minutes later the Benzito pulled into the private parking lot reserved for the Ultimate Wrestling roster and staff. President Rupert Mudcock was standing outside with Vice President Allen Anderson in anticipation of their arrival. As the group exited the vehicle the two most important men in Ultimate Wrestling greeted them with open arms.

Rupert Mudcock: Ahhh! Mr. Biggs! So good to see you! I’m so glad we could work out an arrangement to have you join our roster!

LuLu Biggs: All you had to do was drop the good boy clause Rupert you old sourpuss! You’d think with all that money you’ve made you’d know how to loosen up little!

Rupert Mudcock: Hah! Yes… well...uh... were currently under a great deal of government scrutiny right now… I’m sure Allen filled you in. We can’t have any more bad publicity. Were still trying recover from that Blob damn North Korean fiasco!

LuLu Biggs: Like I told Slick, and he told you on the phone, it ain’t my mother fucking problem! I’m here to do one thing! Kickass, win gold belts, and prove to the world that I’m one bad mother fucker that deserves respect both in and out of the ring!

Slick Mic: Amen! You tell’em LuLu! You tell’em! That bull shit ain’t our problem!

Rupert Mudcock: Hmph… be that as it may, I expect you to be on your best behavior.

LuLu Biggs: Just point me at my first victim. Who's the chump I’m fighting tonight!

Allen Anderson: You’ve got a serious opponent, Mr. Biggs. Jeremiah Vastrix is a dangerous man.

LuLu Biggs: That Tony Stark wanna be punk ass bitch?

Allen Anderson: I believe he refers to himself as “God’s gift to women” if I’m not mistaken…

Slick and LuLu began laughing uncontrollably at Anderson's last statement. Even the escorts found it amusing.

LuLu Biggs: More like the world’s largest living vibrator! I’m gonna crush that cyborg-like a tin can! He won’t know what hit him!

Allen Anderson smiled and sinisterly rubbed his hands together. All he’d thought about since being fired from War Hammer was getting revenge on Jeremiah. After what he’d done to his minion Tarrasque earlier in the week nothing pleased him more than knowing that the biggest thorn in his side was about to suffer greatly.

Allen Anderson: Excellent…

To be continued in Friday Night Clash 11