The Popular Depression is a book I wrote in my first year of college.

It was inspired by a cigarette pack on a coffee table that I noticed at a house party.

My eyes were drawn to the Health Canada warning on the box of cigarettes.

I think the statistic about tobacco-related deaths was supposed to be the scary one. But, for some reason, I was more alarmed by the fact more people died by killing themselves than by getting into car accidents.

I never did anything with the book I wrote. Looking back, some of the amateurish writing makes me cringe. But, the concept behind The Popular Depression is an important theme for us to think about.

Here is the twenty-seventh chapter from The Popular Depression.

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Chapter 27

The cold wind blows in her face, but the temperature doesn’t phase her. She walks to her house and she can’t stop thinking about what she just said. She knows that she is one of the most important people in Ethan’s life right now. She knows that he is vulnerable. She prays that he will realize that she truly does love him and she wants nothing bad to ever happen to him. She can’t get the image of his face out of her mind. He looked broken. She wonders if he will go back to cocaine.
Liberty reaches her house after the 15 minute walk. She is still unsure what to do. She goes up to her room, hugs her pillow and looks out the window. Something feels wrong. Very wrong. She tries to tell herself Ethan probably just went to bed. She decides that he will be fine, and that she’ll talk to him in the morning. She watches a tree’s branches blowing violently in the wind. What if he’s not fine? She changes her mind. Something is telling her that she needs to go apologize again. She has to let Ethan know that she’ll always be there for him. She drops her pillow, grabs her coat, and heads back out toward Ethan’s house.

He picks up his pillow, holds it to his face, and the sound of his weeping is muffled. Ethan feels ruined. This was the last straw. He discovered that the girl he loves more than anything in the world doesn’t trust him. He wonders if anyone really believes him… or if it’s just a big charade so that Ethan will stop doing drugs. He also wonders if anyone will ever give him a completely fresh start. He thought he had that with Liberty… Ethan truly believed that she was willing to give him another chance. But after tonight, he no longer believes that to be true. He wants an escape. A part of him craves cocaine; a bigger part of him doesn’t. He knows what cocaine will do. The high of it will temporarily satisfy him, but he is not prepared to embark back on a life full of addiction. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He is sick and tired of setting himself up for disappointment.
Suddenly he stops crying. A mysterious calm takes over his body. A thought crosses his mind, and it somehow seems perfect. He realizes that Diane, Liberty and even Jared are not the problem. In different ways, Ethan caused each one of these people pain. They reacted and made decisions because of what Ethan did to them. Ethan realizes that the reason things have been so bad in his life, is because of him. Ethan feels guilty that his mother has had to put up with a son who lies and does drugs. She’s had to put up with a son whose grades have dropped, and who acts disrespectfully. Ethan feels guilty that Cindy has had to witness all of his downfalls. She’s seen him swearing, doing drugs and arguing with Diane. Ethan feels guilty that Liberty has had to be with a guy who doesn’t always treat her like the princess that she is. Instead, she was the one who was constantly looking out for him. Even tonight, he knows he overreacted.
Ethan even feels guilty that Jared felt the need to sabotage him.
Everyone and everything that has gone bad has been his fault. His presence is causing other people pain.
Ethan’s mind is made up.
He convinces himself that this is the only choice that he has. He decides that life is simply no longer worth living.
Ethan tidies up his room. He makes his bed and realizes that it’s the last time he’ll ever do it. He folds his clothes and realizes that it’s the last time he’ll ever do it. He picks his belongings up off the floor and realizes that it’s the last time he’ll ever do it.
While dusting his shelves, he wonders if it’ll be painful.
After his room is completely tidy, he sits at his desk and pulls out a few pieces of stationary. On one of the sheets, Ethan writes down who he would like to have certain items of his. After that list is complete, he sets it aside, and begins to write a letter to those whom he is leaving behind. Ethan writes the letter very fast… the words seem to flow right through him.
After the letter is written, he sets it on his bed with the list of his belongings. Next to the pieces of paper, Ethan puts two pictures.
The first is a picture of him, Diane, Cindy and Liberty. The picture was taken at Henderson Park last summer.
The second is a picture of his father. As he sets this picture on his bed, he tries to imagine what Ron would have thought of Liberty.
Ethan walks over to his CD player. He opens the five-disc-changer and puts in a CD by Chris Rice.
Deep Enough to Dream begins to play and Ethan turns the volume down low.
Ethan takes one last look at his room and then a sudden nervousness begins to dwell over him. He realizes that this is the end of the rope; there is no turning back once he makes this decision. He then thinks about his original reason for doing this, and Ethan continues to tell himself that it will be for the good of the people he is leaving behind.
Ethan goes to his closet and grabs all of the towels that he owns. He spreads them around the room so that his blood will not stain any of the furniture. He then walks to his dresser and picks up the Swiss Army Knife that his father left him. Standing in front of the dresser, Ethan takes the sharp blade and slowly cuts his left wrist. The cut is painful, but only a little bit of blood seeps out. Ethan decides that the cut was not deep enough. Jabbing the blade through his epidermis, Ethan rips the blade along his wrist. The pain is immeasurable; however, Ethan doesn’t make noise because he doesn’t want to wake his mother or sister. Blood squirts out of his left wrist rapidly. Ethan then puts the Swiss Army Knife in his limp left hand and cuts his right wrist. After the cut is deep enough, Ethan drops the knife. He looks up and sees himself in the mirror. A tear drops down his left cheek. He can feel his life slipping away. He looks down and notices how much blood is escaping his body. Ethan begins to feel faint.
Suddenly this doesn’t seem right. Ethan wonders if he just made the biggest mistake of his life. The blood seeps out of his wrist. He wants it to stop. He considers crying out to his mom for help, she may still be able to save him. But then he sees all of the blood and realizes that he can’t let his mother see him like this. He is starting to lose feeling through his body. He vomits as he views himself through the mirror. He is a bloody mess. He wraps the towels around his wrists to stop the bleeding but it doesn’t work. With the last few moments of his life, Ethan thinks about church, and god, and whether heaven exists. He begins to pray, begging for forgiveness. He begins to cry uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sor-”

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Previous Chapters:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26