The Time Natalie Portman Laughed At Me - Comedy Open Mic Round #14

Based on a recommendation from the way too kind @carlgnash , I think I will try to embarrass myself by entering the Comedy Open Mic Round 14.

Sometimes at San Diego Comic Con, it’s about being in the right place at the right time. I was in that exact spot at the 2005 SDCC.

I believe it was Saturday morning and my buddies and I were waiting in the line to enter the con which was still hours away from opening. We saw a big commotion slowly making its way towards us. Once we could finally make out what the big deal was we were kinda unimpressed. It was 2 volunteers going around each with a bag filled with tickets. It was a simple thing. Dip your hand in. Yank a ticket out. If it had a stamp you were golden and a true champion, no stamp and you are every bit the loser you’ve been told you were your entire life.

Ok...that’s a bit harsh but you still lost. What were the prizes? Each sack represented a meet and greet with either Rachel Weisz or Natalie Portman. Both were there to promote their upcoming films. Rachel was in town for the Fountain.

Natalie for V For Vendetta.

I believe they said there were only 100 stamped tickets in each bag with a few thousand losers mixed in just to make ya feel truly hopeless. Everyone was losing. I mean everyone. I don’t think I saw one single winner in the group that we were in and I could probably see about 200 people.

My turn. Dip one hand in each bag and pull. Not only was I a champion but I was a mega ultra warrior as I pulled 2 stamps. I was the most hated person in that line at that moment.

The groans and scowls I received were the kind of legend. I savored it for a moment before realizing that not only did I not care to meet Rachel Weisz but I couldn’t. The fine folks running the event told me...lord of the raffles...the ticket master himself, that the meets were at the same time so I had to choose only one. How dare they?!? Did they not recognize the greatness that stood before them? Actually I think I was laying down on the floor sloppily eating a Bacon Egg and Cheese Croissant but that’s besides the point. I made my choice. I like Rachel Weisz and she’s a fine actress but she stood no chance against heavyweight Natalie Portman.

I stood up (most likely with croissant flakes in my beard) and shouted, “Who wants Rachel Weisz?” The line erupted and I singled out the least obnoxious dude who was NOT pushing and shoving. I handed this quiet soul the ticket and he nodded and smiled like I made his day because that’s what raffle champions do. We make days.

Fast forward several hours later and I was in the room for the Portman meet & greet. They handed all the other champions a headshot/promotional photo of her from V For Vendetta. She took her time with each person though the handlers tried to rush things along. She shook hands with everyone and I could see her chatting with mostly everyone for a moment.

I don’t get star struck at all. I’ve worked with and along side many big names and I never really feel anything other than the thought of “cool”. Except that time I creepily tried to get close enough to Brian Cranston to ask for a pic with him...I am professional and it’s no big deal yet I found myself a tad nervous as the line grew closer to my turn. She is one of my favorite actors on the planet so I didn’t but want to make a dickbag out of myself. A few people away. My palms grew sweaty. I get in front of her, she says “hi!” as she flashed a stunning smile...

I imagined that’s how I looked which is no way for the 2005 raffle king to act in front of greatness. I gathered my cool which was practically nonexistent and said hi. Once I got that out it was pretty cool. I kinda lost track of time but we chatted for about 2 minutes which was a really long time it seemed. We spoke about The Professional and she mentioned she had just spoke to Director Luc Besson a few days earlier, her new film V For Vendetta, her shaved head and how it felt growing back in (it was fairly short), and the convention itself. She was extremely genuine and never once rushed me out.

Not wanting to overstay my welcome I said I better go before I get the “curtains” signal and I handed her the headshot. She smiled and asked who I’d like it made out to. I said “Blewitt”. She looked up at me and asked “Blewitt?”. I said “Yeah, That’s my last name. As in Chris Blewitt...he needed the money! Or Who farted? Chris Blewitt!” Which were the juvenile jokes I used to hear as a kid.

A pause happened as she took a second to process, in which I felt so awkward and like a total douche in front of someone I admired. Then it happened. She burst out laughing. Real genuine laughter that lasted longer than it probably should have. She grabbed my hand and held it as she said “that’s great” or something along those lines. Then she grabbed the marker and scribbled on the photo. As she handed it to me she said it was nice to meet me and thanked me as she still kinda chuckled. I said the same and we smiled as I walked away. I was glowing the entire day. Thank for the story Natalie.

I also nominate @chood and @ezzy ....