Fifty Shades of Grey Vs Fifty Shades of Crayon

There is no doubt about it, a trilogy of naughtiness has swept over the nation over the last few years, filling our innocent minds with lust filled compulsive behaviour. 

Yes, I’m afraid we are talking Fifty shades of Grey and its respective books, Darker and Freed. 

I have read the first book and a bit of the second and watched the films, and although many have criticised the style of writing, I thought E.L.James did exceptionally well at keeping the book simple and focused. She also made a fortune from it...so something worked! There were a few things that literally did grind my gears...The 'oh mys' did make me want me to gauge my eyes out at quite a few points, and at the risk of sounding like an experienced woman of the world,  some of the dialects were a little predictable and boring.

What I did struggle with, is this odd relationship being portrayed as 'romantic'. Sure, most people like the odd bit of slap and tickle, but the story line didn't kick in during the first book and I was left feeling glamorised (or not) about the concept of someone dominating you. ( Not for long I may add) Consent forms, mean nothing if you are vulnerable. It's just wrong.

...And I tell you something now, if my hubs came near me with a spank paddle without prior warning, I'd snatch it clean out of his hands, slap him around the head with it until until HE was fifty shades of CRIMSON, then I would stick it where the sun doesn't shine...and he wouldn't enjoy it!

I wasn't as impressed with the films as the books either, even though Jamie Dornan made it easier to watch. (I much preferred him in 'The Fall' when he played a sociopathic serial killer. Maybe that says more about me than E.L.James)...moving on.

Anyway I digress. I would like to give you my idea for an alternative parody... for consideration, and also a review on a film in the same genre, which in my opinion is a better alternative to fifty shades (better plot line not activity...tut tut!)

 

Mr Grey ( For the few who have not been subjected to this fictional character) is in his late 20’s. He is an exceptionally attractive businessman hosting wealth and good fortune. Tall and toned with golden dishevelled hair, this man has an aura about him that women cannot resist. For someone who seemingly has it all, his handsome good looks shield a dark and mysterious side. After a chance meeting, Mr Grey sets his sights on clumsy student Anastacia Steele, who’s girl next door looks, win his affections. It is not long before he is subjecting Miss Steele into a world of Domination, obsessive behaviours and pure lust driven desires. 

Fifty shades of grey gets its title from the varied aspects of Christian Grey’s personality. Throughout the book he swings from being a polite well mannered businessman to a sexual deviant whose desires evolve around dominance and submission with himself being the dominant. Showering Miss Steele with generous gifts and gestures, Steele becomes beholden to him, and it’s not long before she becomes 'his property'...and that is basically the storyline.

Boy meets girl, boy seduces girl, boy becomes dominant, girl becomes submissive

Sub text= Kinky sexual behaviour. 

The end. 

I'm afraid to say a bit repetitive and I didn't really get hooked BUT...and I know lots of people will disagree...I actually didn't mind her style of writing. I believe the trilogies have more of a dark storyline, delving into the past of Mr Grey which may lead to explaining a lot about his behaviours. For a number of people the storyline was irrelevant and the sexual activity was enough to keep them hooked. Personally I would have liked to have seen more of a storyline in the first book as it was uncomfortable to watch.

An alternative?

I would have like to have seen a happier ending and miss Steele, a little less vulnerable. So what about this?

Fifty shades of crayons.

Ok, so I have changed the title; well let’s face it grey is a dull and boring part of the spectrum. Why not turn it around make it a bit lighter and bring in a bit of colour? Mr Grey could have been called Mr Orange, described as having a sunny disposition and a golden tan to match his golden hair. His red room ( The room dedicated to his kinky activities) sounds a tad grim likening it to a seedy photographers, I imagined washing lines draped with dodgy black and white pictures. 

This could have been a yellow room, I suppose it would not have had the masculine effect intended but Miss Steele would have felt more at home and less like she was a boudoir. Miss Steel, again linked to grey /silver in colour could have been called Miss Copper, bringing back in a little 'warmness' in colour. As for the kinky behaviour…anything could float your boat. I’m a tad weird about stationary. I can gaze longingly at an A4 notepad for hours before deciding which one I like. There is so much to choose from in stationary; paperclips, plastic wallets, pens, paper, files, pencils, pencil sharpeners, rubbers (no pun intended) and crayons. They could have lived happily ever after, in lots of colour and happiness.

It’s less painful to have this fetish and it brings more colour into your life. So next time you find yourself fantasising about a certain Mr Grey, start thinking about colour. Not everything has to have shades of Grey. 

Another alternative?

FILM The Secretary 2002 

STARS James Spader & Maggie Gyllenhall

Now when I read fifty shades of grey, I had a de ja vu moment until I realised I watched a film, in 2002 called the secretary. Fitfy shades wasn’t a remake of the film even though the main lead man in both films was called Mr Grey! I don’t understand how that happened. Like I mentioned before... why Grey...boring ! 

But I have to say the secretary was nowhere near boring in comparision.

James Spader played the floppy blonde haired business man who was good looking but socially awkward. In fact he had an insane twitch when he came into contact with red highlighting pens. I was captivated by him. Not in a weird way, but just by his insane, but believable behaviour. 

Let me explain. 

Edward Grey was a dominatrix but was embarrassed and confused by his sexual urges, you could see the pulsating vain in his…forehead, (I knew what you were all thinking then... tut tut) when he tried to avoid any sexual tension. When Lee Holloway (Gyllenhall) applied for an interview to work as Mr Grey’s secretary, she was a young woman who came from a dysfunctional family with a self harming condition. She soon was employed by Mr Grey and before long he was filled with lust and temptation. It started with her typing errors, to which Mr Grey took a grievance too, highlighting all errors with his red felt pen. One day it all became too much and bent poor Miss Halloway over her desk and gave her a bit of a spanking! Instead of turning round and punching him in the face, which I feel would have been acceptable, she decided she quite liked it, even trying to relive the experience in the bathroom with a paddle brush. Mr Grey resisted the temptation to punish Miss Halloway on many occasions, but Miss Halloway just couldn’t resist teasing him by making deliberate spelling mistakes and in one scene putting a worm in a letter for him. 

It soon became a relationship based on dominatrix and submissive behaviour, but unlike fifty shades I could really relate to it ...and no that’s not because I’m kinky before you ask, it’s because the acting in it and the storyline was more believable. Combining the story of self harming and sexual addictions is not only believable and interesting to watch, but it was also quite heart-warmingly funny in places. The couple ended up in a committed relationship and lived happily ever after.

Lets have more colour!