Couple filter pics from home decor. Exhaustion from the first half of life

I feel half of life gone by even though I felt midlife crises in 20's. I feel the fatigue. Chronic fatigue burnout syndrome from looking at real life. Not able to retreat. Not able to look back

Oh but not to be sad and scared anymore. Grew up with a paranoid schizophrenic single parent. Lived alone with grandma while dad worked as a teen. Lived with some naughty nannies that were meth junkies as a teen. Then worked like a drone with my dad for about 14 years. However we have been able to stay body conscious and have good conversation throughout.

We have our little family and our dreams even though we live under tough conditions in ways. Culture seems savage. Yet I know we are smart, have something to offer. Must survive to thrive. Doing a good job in our work field gave us prestige. Now that we are shifting jobs we still have that work ethic. That is our saving grace. Even if we seem strange to most, as in they have a hard time talking to us or understanding our mannerisms lets say...they still know us by a job well done. I'm talking about family construction crew in our community. We used to do mostly mudding and taping now are diversifying through insurance work

Work in the past has been a good cover for us. As we read books and make our own philosophy quips...develop our schtick. In high school my old cover was trying to be a goth. Nowadays I don't feel a need for a cover. Want to create a space where people would feel comfortable enough to come in and perhaps stay if they have the courage. I'm not that weird, no. Want to engage in more than small talk. Some say I am too sensitive but what if some others aren't sensitive enough. I'm just talking right..but thinking if your stuck on one story you may not be able to hear another's story. I have to be careful myself with that. I'm thinking it to know I've payed attention

I've had the worst anxiety attacks but haven't they been the best for me!? Are many freaking out inside and it's not good for them? Our stress conditions manifest to the surface in physical symptoms too here. I don't want to get sick from it all though. I don't want the world to beat me down, or better yet beat myself down. We do it to ourselves sure, but where did we learn it!? You can't just blame yourself or the outside. You can hold it all accountable though. That is enough.

You want a breakthrough, you want support. Doesn't mean your blaming anybody. Your saying where are my allies and friends. Does anyone want to come out and play. I don't like the way the culture plays in the haze rituals, they are anti life bully tactics in my opinion. I want to play for real. Don't want a sob story, I want to feel the pain. The real pain. I don't want to run away. It's not about a fear of death. Death is not that important. Life is more important

That's the little rant and roll for this evening