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As I glanced through some of the true crime stories on Google, I started to see some patterns at play. I noticed one in particular. Any headline that begins with the words “Florida Man”. Who is this Florida Man? From what I can tell, he seems to be a demonic entity who possesses random bodies and perpetrates hilarious crimes for his own amusement. You can’t make this shit up.
He tried to run after crashing into a barbershop, cops say. His pants didn't cooperate. http://www.miamiherald.com/news/state/florida/article211322814.html
A Florida man trying to escape police after crashing into a car, a pole and a barbershop, got foiled by his pants, police say.
Tobias Smith, 24, of Daytona Beach is in jail again. Next time Smith's on the street, you can bet he'll have a better belt.
"He bolted from the car he was driving, but was caught after his pants fell to his knees and he tripped."
The good news is that his pants are probably the one thing that saved him from getting a bullet in his ass. Now most of the articles from here on out are going to read “Florida Man”. Someone should cash in and make a horror franchise out of this guy. I would watch the shit out of that.
Florida man kills woman, invites neighbors to his home to show off dead body, police say. http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/05/01/florida-man-kills-woman-invites-neighbors-to-his-home-to-show-off-dead-body-police-say.html
A Florida man who was released from prison a month ago was arrested after he killed a woman, then showed off her dead body stuffed in a storage bin to residents in the neighborhood, police said.
You know, to save it for later. Why else would you put that shit in storage? Your whole house is gonna smell. Ain’t no amount of Febreeze and scented candles gonna overpower the stench of rotting flesh.
Angelo Beckford, 40, was charged with second-degree murder Monday after several people called police saying they were invited to a home to look at a dead woman, who was identified Tuesday as 29-year-old Cheyenne Snyder.
Yeah, just to take a look. Because that’s what a good neighbor does. You know, when your lawn-mower isn’t starting up, or your dead white woman isn’t working, you call your neighbor like “Hey Dave, can you come take a look at this?” “Yeah, sure, what is it?” “Dead white woman, man, you probably more educated on the subject…” HA HA HA. But this I almost feel sorry for this guy. He’s not like a lot of murderers who try to hide their acts. He actually takes pride in it. How rare is that? He’s so pleased with his masterpiece he just had to show it off to people, maybe even hoped to get it auctioned somewhere. I call it “Dead Bitch in a Storage Bin”, or even something poetic like “Bloody Rubbermaid”. A modern Van Gogh, if you will.
"It's crazy," Jamarius Hubbard, who lives near Beckford, told FOX13. "I don't know. But, the thing about it, when he's out here, mingling with everybody, he has sense. Plenty of it."
And I don’t know why they do this every fucking time. But for whatever reason they always feel the need to include the clueless neighbor who says “He seemed like a nice guy; I had no idea. I let him walk my kid to school. He was at Thanksgiving. Everybody loved him.” No shit. Maybe get to know people next time you invite them over to your barbeque. I think that says more about you being a fucking idiot. But you never know. Maybe this guy was really a nice guy and one day he just snapped.
Florida man sets girlfriend on fire during argument, police say. Roosevelt Kitchen (ha ha ha, who comes up with these names), is currently being held on a $1 million bond.
At about 11 p.m., Kitchen got into an argument with his girlfriend of four years after they were both drinking and using narcotics. The woman then left the apartment, returned and left again to sit on a neighbor’s porch. Oh, this is good. https://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/crime--law/florida-man-sets-girlfriend-fire-melts-her-skin-police-say/dwueT2NxMB0FpVmxZDM08O/
After Kitchen saw her, he approached her on the porch with a red gasoline can and doused her with it. A witness told police he heard Kitchen ask “Anyone got a lighter?” before he pulled one from his pocket and set the victim on fire. Goddamn, this guy didn’t give a fuck. This is like some Joker shit. “Everything burns!” Now if only they had caught this on camera, this shit would’ve gotten millions of hits. Could’ve won an Oscar. C’mon, man.
Florida man reports his illegal gun is stolen, is jailed. https://www.actionnewsjax.com/news/local/report-florida-man-reports-his-illegal-gun-stolen-is-jailed/751161730
A man was jailed after he reported that his son had stolen his rifle. When Denson was told that he was a convicted felon who was not allowed to own a firearm, he changed his story and said he didn't actually possess the gun, police said.
Now he faces criminal charges. Good game. Can’t wait for the next episode where a crackhead reports his pipe stolen. If you’re a felon in this country, you’re fucked no matter what. You can’t vote, you can’t have a gun. I don’t understand the voting shit personally. What does being a criminal have to do with which candidate you like? Politicians are the biggest criminals of all; they just haven’t been charged. Let ‘em vote. But I completely understand not letting them have a gun. You gotta say no to some people, man. Tell that to the gun nuts.
Are you like me and couldn’t give a shit about dead people? I got you. How about some good old-fashioned animal abuse?
Florida man bites dog’s ear to “establish dominance”, like any responsible pet owner. https://www.local10.com/news/florida/palm-beach-county/south-florida-man-bites-dogs-ear-to-establish-dominance
Well, what are you supposed to do when it shits on the rug? Give it a treat? Put it on a leash? No, you bite that mutt, put it in its place, show it who’s boss. You see what happens when a jackal gets out of control. It goes on to be in movies and shit. Fucking Marmaduke, Beethoven, Air Bud. No, fuck that. There’s never been a single good dog movie, EVER! EVER! NOT ONE SINGLE FUCKING GOOD DOG MOVIE! And I know what you’re thinking, “Well, what about?” No, I can guarantee you whichever exception you’re thinking of, that movie is about humans. It’s about humans who own a dog. There’s a difference. I’m talking about dog movies with a fucking talking dog, where they actually do a voice-over on a real dog, and give it a fake CGI mouth, so it looks like one of those fucking cowboy cut-outs at a Wild West Town with the eyes cut out that you take a family picture with. Beverly Hills Chihuahua, The Shaggy Dog, Doctor Doolittle. All pieces of shit! And this is what happens when you don’t discipline your dog. They start demanding equal rights, just like the wimminz! Gotta bite that ear.
But in all seriousness, animals are where I draw the line. Like, I don’t condone murder either. But my personal feeling, when a person dies, I could give a shit. That’s just me. Because some part of me will have some doubt “Well, he could’ve been an asshole”. I don’t think that’s ever the case with an animal. And animal is always 100% innocent to me. I can’t take it. I think there’s simply no excuse to abuse an animal, ever. Unless your animal has rabies or some shit, and you have to put it down. But these people who abuse animals should be shown no mercy. I think we should just kill them.
But it’s not just black folk who show tough love to our furry friends.
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/os-drowned-ducklings-naples-20180517-story.html
Robert Block, 79, held ducklings underwater because they found their way into his pool. “Yeah, fuckin’ ducklings! Oh, quack quack? That’ll show you not be trespassing on my property, acting all cute and shit!” You’ve lived 79 years, motherfucker, and it was the ducks that set you off, old man? Is this what old racists have to do as their last resort? When they realize they can’t say nigger in public, and they can’t rape women like they used to? They just start drowning ducklings, as a last outlet of anger? That’s like some Anakin Skywalker shit. He’s...killing ducklings. The fuck did you just say? He’s from Florida. Oh, that explains it.
Florida man charged with killing puppy. Police found the dead puppy wrapped in a shower curtain in the woods in Defuniak Springs last week with obvious head trauma. http://cbs12.com/news/local/florida-man-charged-with-killing-puppy
Investigators arrested 19-year-old Roquan Willis, who admitted to trying to poison the dog with chocolate alcohol. After realizing the puppy didn't die, Willis said he smashed it in the head with a ceramic sink a couple of times.
NOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU! WHY ARE YOU SMILING?? I know this guy’s thinking “Yeah, I fuckin’ showed that dog!” I bet you like a finger in the ass, you demented cocksucker.
But that didn't even kill the puppy. Willis said he then shot the puppy eight times in the head with a pellet gun before suffocating it with a plastic bag. He said he tossed the puppy into the woods near his home.
How do these people exist? It’s a puppy! Man, this motherfucker is lucky murder ain’t legal, because he’d be the first to go. But instead, he got away with a $10,000 bond. Should’ve fucking killed him. I’m not even joking. Why let him live for this? How do you come back from this shit? You just become a productive member of society years later? No. This guy’s happy about it. He looks like he’s taking a graduation picture. Unbelievable.
Florida man practices karate on swans http://miami.cbslocal.com/2018/05/02/man-arrested-karate-kick-swan/
Witnesses said Rocco Mantella kicked two swans in the head so hard they fell to the ground.
Before assaulting the animals, the witness said Mantella practiced his kicks before kicking it "as hard as possible."
Can we give out black belts for stupid cunts? Because this guy is a sensei of stupid. Let’s see him try to practice his moves on Tyrone in a jail cell.
And this Floridian asshole was arrested for dumping leftover red paint into a burrow, the adopted home of a tortoise named Raphael. This poor fella was found covered in paint from head to toe, because unfortunately he lived right behind a paint dispensary. http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/os-red-gopher-tortoise-lake-county-20180419-story.html
And some asshole employee disposed of the paint improperly, and just goes dumping it in random holes. Of course, any guy named Escalera would probably know a thing or two about dumping into random holes. Makes you wonder how many illegitimate children he’s left roaming the streets. Fucking dumbass.
Luckily Raphael was rescued, scrubbed with a toothbrush to remove the paint, and he’s back on his feet again. Apparently, painting tortoises can "inhibit their ability to absorb vitamins from the sun’s UV rays through their shells, has the potential to cause respiratory problems and can lead to harmful chemicals being absorbed into their bloodstream." Learn something new everyday. This dumbass certainly did. But the tortoise must’ve been high as fuck. I salute you.
Florida man attacked another man and a woman with a ninja sword after accusing them of stealing his socks, according to the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office. http://www.tampabay.com/news/Deputies-Florida-man-used-ninja-sword-in-attack-over-missing-socks_167879819
See, when you live in a country like America that has almost completely defunded mental health treatment in favor of a for-profit, private prison industry...these are the kind of weirdos that you see floating around like tumbleweeds. This is a case of a guy who’s clearly mentally ill, but instead of being treated, he’s going straight to jail. Probably get out in a few years, walk into another schizophrenic nightmare and start all over again. This time he’ll be whacking at kids on skateboards with sticks “You killed my pet rock!” This isn’t working, folks! America is a failed experiment. We’re finished. It’s over for us.
And speaking of fucking with kids, Florida man climbs playground equipment, tells kids where babies come from
Police said that this handsome fella, Otis Dawayne Ryan, 30, used inappropriate language to explain where babies come from, prompting parents to rush their kids out of the Clearwater Beach, FL, playground.http://www.fox2detroit.com/news/us-and-world-news/florida-man-climbs-playground-tells-kids-where-babies-come-from
Well, folks, I gotta make an exception here. This guy ain’t that bad. At least he wasn’t lying about that where babies come from like their parents would. Kids gotta learn sometime. Might as well be from a crazy crackhead. Every time these kids even think about not wearing a condom, this crackhead’s gonna show up in their head like Busta Rhymes
“WAAAA WAAA DON’T YUUUUUU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM” And they’ll pull out like “HELL NAW!” Good on him. Kids gotta learn this shit.
But not like this, motherfucker!
A Florida man was arrested Monday and charged with sexual battery on a minor after the child was found with a sexually-transmitted disease. https://www.wptv.com/news/state/florida-man-charged-with-sexual-battery-after-minor-discovered-with-std
Jesus, that sucks. Now that poor girl is gonna be giving hella guys STDs too. Why does this shit have to exist? I think STDs are the best evidence we have for God’s existence, like he disapproves of fucking. How shitty of a species do we have to be to ruin fucking? One guy started this STD shit. Think about that.
She was admitted to a local hospital after she complained of stomach pain. Deputies say she was diagnosed with a sexually-transmitted disease.
Detectives interviewed Wilson who allegedly admitted to having sexual intercourse with the victim one time and blamed the 12-year-old victim for "coming on to him." Yeah, she was asking for it.
These fucking promiscuous 12 year-olds getting they ass up in my face. How do you expect me not to get aroused by that shit?
Wilson was charged with one count of sexual battery (familial authority).
Uh, my question is, how is this not considered rape by the state of Florida? She’s twelve years old. That’s a little iffy. Sexual battery? That just sounds kinky. Going a little soft on this rapist, don’t you think, Florida?
But apparently, according to Florida’s laws, consent is a legal defense so long as the victim is at least 12 years of age. So this guy just barely made the cut. Congratulations, Anthony. You did your research before you gave a minor an STD.
Good for you. Maybe one day you can become a lawyer.
And finally, where would Florida Man be without some good ol-fashioned Southern bigotry? Trick question, he’d still be in prison, ‘cause he’s a fucking inbred dunce.
'Get out of my country,' Florida man tells customers at McDonald's
John Jay Smith faces multiple charges after threatening men with stun gun, knife https://www.local10.com/news/florida/get-out-of-my-country-florida-man-tells-customers-at-mcdonalds
Mohamed Galal and Zeyad Said told St. Johns County sheriff's deputies that John Jay Smith, 60, approached them while holding a knife and asked if they were "American boys."
An arrest report said Smith yelled, "Get out of my country. You do not deserve to eat here."
While being arrested, Smith said, "They killed my son," a U.S. Marine who died while in combat in Afghanistan, the report said.
The victims were actually Muslim exchange students from Egypt. So he was right; technically, they aren’t American boys. So you know what that means...they must’ve killed your son. I believe him. How can you deny this man’s intuition? I mean, think about it. What are the fucking odds that this regular Joe would walk into some random McDonalds and recognize his son’s killers? He must’ve known. All it took was one facial scan, and his paternal intuition kicked in, and that wave of America just hit him. And next thing you know he’s threatening them with a knife, and he’s the next Florida man.
Could you be next?
So, in conclusion...don’t try this shit at home, kids. Obviously, this “Florida Man” is a shape-shifting menace who can’t be stopped. But we’ll keep trying our best, I’m sure. Oh yeah, and fuck Florida! I’m glad the tides are rising. I hope your whole fucking state gets wiped out by a typhoon. Good riddance. Yeah, I said it.