When I learnt to surf as a teenager, we used to paddle out after school at Torquay Point and enjoy waves to ourselves. At most, there might be twenty of us out there, and that's talking an absolute crowd. Often times, we had it to ourselves, screaming songs into the sky and venting teen frustrations and craziness in salt water and huge skies. That was always the appeal to me - surfing was pure freeeeeedoooommmmmmmm, totally away from the pressures of the world.

I distinctively remember we'd talk about this 'matchbox' feeling we would feel at school or at home with the folks, you know the one kids feel when they're exploring the boundaries of their world and seeking independence? It feels like being trapped inside a tiny box and screaming to get out. Being out at sea used to relieve that feeling for me. Still does, sometimes.

You'd gain a new perspective, too, out there in the water looking back at the shore. And wow - thundering along empty beaches with our horses with no one around to say that we couldn't - and if there was, it was usually just a grumpy park ranger that would give up once we were out of sight. Damn I miss those days of total freedom on an uncrowded coast, the feeling of expansion and endlessness in my heart. Things are different now. Not as free.

Hence, this freedom friday musing.

Whilst @eaglespirit's #freedomfriday is having a break this week, like @trucklife-family says, I've kinda got in the habit of it, a weekly musing on freedom that I enjoy. This week, however, 'freedom' has been kinda driving me crazy, or lack thereof. It's nothing overtly political, nothing world changing or inspiring, just me, @riverflows, feeling a little out of sorts. Like I'm stuck in a matchbox, screaming to get out, and I can't breathe. I'm just sitting with that, and wondering where it's coming from. Maybe it's just this humidity, the thunderstorms in the air, the pollens - I really literally am a bit out of breath!

I'm also thinking of how we gain small freedoms in gaps - in tiny spaces. Out in the water, surfing, the gaps are when I'm on a wave and I can entirely forget all the other pressures in my life, that still exist, but don't exist in that moment. There's always so many forces telling us what to do, what to think, how to behave. So many responsibilities, deadlines, obligations. Sometimes I just want to shout at everyone to leave me the hell alone. How can I think in all this noise? How can I breathe?

I'm a bit grumpy at the moment because our coast is so FULL now, and developers keep carving up land into tinier parcels (gone is the quarter acre block - now we have 300 sq metres! Talk about matchboxes!) and there's so much traffic that I feel like I'm in a city when I drive down there. But even here, I can find gaps - an hour or two when people think there's no swell or it's easterly but it's offshore and the waves come up, or people are hungover on Grand final Sunday and no one's at the beach, or at dawn or dusk. Lots of little gaps to enjoy the freedom to just be out in nature without anyone hassling you or getting in your way. I live for those moments. But this week I've been just wanting to tell everyone to GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE - you're encroaching on the freedom I've always enjoyed here. The price of a growing population I guess is this feeling of being encroached upon, crowded, cloistered.

J. said the other day it's lucky we bought our 5 acres when we did, because we wouldn't be able to afford it these days given the property prices. We've got a view to the west of just trees and the water re-use land and forest. We can light fires and build crazy projects and no one will complain as no one can see us. On the flipside, we'd love to share it as we miss living with people like we did on site in England, if you're familiar with the new traveller scene. Always these polarities!

So, really, my point is (sorry for the lack of structure here) - the gaps for small freedoms are so important for my sanity. In them I can be creative, expansive, and full of joy. These gaps include:

• the ten minutes before J wakes up in the morning, where I lay awake and look out the window and breath
• the mornings and afternoons I have off work in a part time timetable, chosen over more money
• the darkness before sleep, meditating in infinite space
• the pre-dawn paddle out into the surf before anyone else gets out
• being alone and pottering in my garden and own space
• walking along a deserted beach mid week

In what tiny gaps and spaces do you get chance to feel free?

Is freedom ever a constant, or do we only get to experience small moments of it?

PS I have tried to upload a Dtube snap all day @nathanmars, @indigoocean, @whatamidoing - like really trying! I got the courage to do it, played around, got a minute of film and a bit of psychobabble, and the damn thing wouldn't post. Thought it might and then the power went out. So perhaps it's a message from the universe that I shouldn't be doing it anyway!

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