... love letters to the one who will never read them...
... In the middle of work and sending documents I had to deliver, temporarily saved in the downloads folder in my computer I came across your picture, your last two pictures of yourself...
And the cramp I felt as if I was in front of you hit me so hard that all I wanted to do is to look elsewhere and cry.
Immediately came to my mind your voice telling me to be normal, imagining you angry for not understanding what you meant, and your words that would put me down. And I felt so sad, sooo sad, so devastated.
Frustrated because I never knew how to sort that out. I had tried everything. I tried everything for you, you had called me into your life. But it seems that it was a caprice, as in the same way you pushed it away out of your life.
A caprice. Like a spoiled kid that wants things when he wants them no matter what. Not caring about other "things" being people that have feelings that were given expectations. Because they WERE given, and you know that. You know all you said. Although to date, I don't know what the purpose was, what were you trying to prove yourself?
So my heart exploded once again and my head cannot handle it. I feel I am going to implode because you took away all that strength and faith I had built up again, all the energy to carry on, and right now I am still not finding it to move forwards, to want to keep fighting this all.
Because I still don't understand. And what I don't understand is nothing but the purpose of it all, not just your change of heart. Why. And it is killing me slowly every day. Drop by drop. It is consuming me. Emptying me slowly and taking away breaths of life that are harder and harder to inhale and exhale.
Why.
I told you I was a hurricane of feelings and thoughts by nature, and you knew this very early on. Why condemning me for this if I told you in advance, why. Why censoring me, why pushing me away, why rejecting what you once said it could be perfect. And it could be. And I know it could be.
And I miss you every second. And you only touched my soul and my hope, and I still miss you. I know you don't, you never did. But I do, because I didn't need to know more at that time to know I'd give you my future. And you just became something else. Someone I didn't know. Is that the cocoon or already the butterfly? If that was the cocoon lets see what comes out, as otherwise, it became a really ugly moth.
Last night a giant butterfly got into my workshop, where I spend most of my time working or writing. It was huge. I could not get it out. It would resist. The windows and door wide open and the light outside for it to go... but it would't go.
The magical part of me believes in the signs that life gives us, and I just looked into the symbolism of grey butterflies in life, there are theories about the metaphor of butterflies as a life process... which i thought it was poetic or a lovely literary image. I personally don't like butterflies, their moving wings give me the creeps. And I found this fragment, which was quite shocking...
[...] and you begin to see gray or brown moths, which tend to come at dusk or try to enter your home or even the evening, the work or issue has shifted into an inner one. Its no longer the struggle of transformation with the inter-personal, its now you must take the work inward to accomplish your emotional issue, letting go of the other’s issues.
This aspect or cycle of the totem shifts are for balance, you must do work in this stage of your cycle according to the color that is presented. Someone or something needs your attention or you need someones attention in a matter at work, or school or friends, lovers etc.
Gray and Brown Moths are my helpers as well and they always seem to enter my home to tell me there is trouble in dreaming, and the cycle that I am in, now includes my dreams, not just waking life.
So when I read that, I could only think that I have been having insomnia for over 4 weeks and that the medicine doesn't depend on me, I have tried everything to open communication channels only to get them all shut.
I don't really know if it was a butterfly or a moth, it looked like a buttefly but it was enormous, too big. I don't mind butterflies, but when they are too big it becomes creepy, it's like spiders or snakes, I don't mind them but when they are too big, they must be invited elsewhere...
So with this one, I don't know if it was a moth or a butterfly, it did look like the latter as the wings were more full sized, different.... but i don't know...
The differences between “messengers” and “totems” are messengers come for a day or weekend, and totems come for years. The butterfly can show you that struggling of changes, has its outcome of beauty, even though change is very difficult. What changes your going through now, and what time of the moon cycle it appears to you, will determine where you are in the butterfly cycle, and by cycle I mean the fully emerged butterfly.
And in any case, I think it may be an image of me, when something becomes too much it scares. Maybe I scared you. Because I am just me. And that's why I am loved or hated. And nobody can really know if they don't really know me properly, not via prejudgment or ideas based on ideas, or definitios based on thoughts based on your own past experiences, you are not giving a chance for growth, not giving a chance to find out.
Fair enough you probably now think "i just don't want to find out" for whatever new reasons you have, but back then you did, and you decided to block it away and transform those feelings into the ones you have now.
And yes, I keep writing even if I know you won't read it because this time, I am doing it for me. I will feel that I have told you all I needed to say once more, and in any case, none of my words would be able to change your mind; and that is until I have found my answers, or until I have been able to find a way to have them. Or until I have manufactured my way to closure.
And I saw your picture and I still wanted to be hugged tightly and hear "we will be ok, we can work it out together. "
*https://eldermountaindreaming.com/2017/06/12/the-sphinx-moth-butterfly-and-moth-totems/