Your NEW Best Friend. For Life. Seriously.

Hello Friend,

Yes, we are now friends. As you are reading my words, how does it feel to make a new friend so quickly? Call me fast friend Fred. My name is not Fred. Don't insult me.

I'm sure this is bringing a smile to your face. But picture this right, I'm sipping my cup of tea, eating a nice scone my grandmother made me - her name is FRANCES! If I had a slight learning disability (which mind you, I do not) I would have to spell her name out all the time. F.R.A.N.C.E.S. Luckily for you being my friend and having to put up with me on a daily basis now. You do not have to worry about me spelling out every name, letter by letter. Instead you will be pleased to know names simply roll off the top of my tongue, I call it my WORD SLIDE.

I think at least 3 times a day I stop to imagine my words taking on a physical form, slipping and sliding off my tongue. Much like a joyful old man riding a water slide for the first time. Stop it Barry, you are too old for such fun - your sweet little heart breaker you.

Okay, so I got a little side tracked this is an introduction to your new friend (me). As we are friends now, I demand you call me FRIEND.

A few fun facts about me, next to my bed I have 7 glasses of water - AGE UNKNOWN. But, they keep me company at night and sometimes I hear them speak to me. I also have a dear pal, who is known as Nursey. Please do not ask for any medical attention from Nursey, I haven't heard her speak for at least 30 years and that was only when I was waiting in the Pediatrician's office with my mother to deal with my night terrors. Even now though I do question if it was in fact possible as I did look into her throat one day and all I could find was cotton wool. There was no voice box, vocal chords or anything that would produce a sound. Needless to say, I stitched her back up and we haven't spoken of it since.

Anyway, I also must tell you about a few other things in my room. I've got a door stop. It stops my door. Sometimes, I test it out, incase a gust of wind comes through the house. But, seldom does that happen. Last time I opened an external door was a few years ago, I'm still haunted by the day. I opened it and a man wearing a hat, gave me a large cardboard box - I asked him what was in the box and he said he didn't know. I told him I didn't want anything to do with a box which contains some type of contents. I asked him why he was holding the box, he said it was his job. He has a very dangerous job.

I feel you have gotten to know me pretty well.

If you have any questions please I'd love to hear from, also make sure you please tell me your name and a little bit about you FRIEND.

PS. I've probably wasted valuable time of your life, but that's what friends are for right? Experiencing the mundane ebbs and flows of the river of life.

P.P.S. I've finished my scone now.

P.P.P.S I think Nursey may have spoke.