Today's been another one of those days...
The type of day where, for some stupid fucking reason, I insist on burning everything around me. One little thing set me off this morning, and I've done nothing but lash out at everything, and everyone. My fiance has left for the day just to be away from me, because I can't just keep my fucking mouth shut, making sure before she left to call me my very favorite thing to be called.
Don't be sorry for me, though... This is my fault.
I've been called a piece of shit by nearly everyone who's ever gotten close to me, so it should come as no surprise. Clearly it's true, or so many people would not have told me as much. I have this stupid little way of being so self-absorbed, throwing everyone else to the wind... Don't ask me why I do the things I do, because I couldn't give you an honest answer. All I know is that the people in my life deserve better.
Every time something is going great, I have to find a way to fuck it all up. I don't know why, and it's not something I do on purpose, it just seems to be the way I am. I've spent my life in turmoil. There's something about it that makes me feel at home, or normal, but something has got to give.
I don't like where days like this take my thoughts...
I fight every day to stay on top of my depression, and then I go and do or say something that puts me three steps back.
I fucking hate me. I do this shit to myself. I'm so fucking tired of upsetting people. I don't know how to make it stop.
The demons of depression, have a way of luring people into acts of self-sabotage.
My advice:
Just keep calm and maybe try to go out for a walk alone, buy yourself something nice like a new pair of pants or shoes, get a haircut or maybe a massage, avoid relatives and friends, until you feel a bit better.
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Hey - @thatsweeneyguy.
Please try not to be too hard on yourself. I too struggle with depression and anxiety. I know where you're coming from. It really sucks!
Everything is temporary, especially these bad feelings that you're having. I've found that engaging your senses can be good therapy for sucky feelings like this. This blog entry? Probably good therapy. When I was a kid, smashing my hand into a wall. (Not recommended.) I also played immersery video games. Both made me feel better. Why? It engaged the senses away from the feelings of anxiety.
So if you can figure out some way to change and engage the senses, you'll probably help yourself to feel better. The more senses, the better. So, doing something like taking a walk while listening to awesome music and eating an ice-cream cone?
Also, if you ever want to talk - buzz me over at Discord! Good luck, dude.
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