This week many of us returned to work after the New Year celebrations. Everywhere I went I heard people talk about their resolutions and what they wanted to change with the advent of a New Year.
This particular day, at the water cooler, a fierce haired lady was telling anyone who would listen that,
I want to be better to myself! That's my resolution.
I snorted at such waffling nonsense and pushed past her as she was actually blocking the way to the water spout.
Well, excuse me!
She brayed like a maddened donkey.
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That's ok.
I smiled and tapped my nose.
Whenever I eat too many beans I am exactly the same!
She turned various shades of red as she realised I was implying that she was apologising for passing wind. I whistled a jaunty tune as I finished getting my water and merrily left her and her cackling band behind.
Later I was talking to another couple of chaps. One of them, a tall wild looking sort was solemnly declaring that his resolution was to,
Bag at least 10 more Munros.
Munro is a Scottish word for Mountain. No idea why we don't just say Mountain. We are a bit mad that way.
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Your New Year resolution is to climb up some big hills?
I asked a little incredulously.
He looked down his long canoe shaped nose at me.
Yeah man, there is just something about being up there. Knowing you are stepping away from the common herd. Being at one with the sky and the land.
He stretched out his hands like the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio and closed his eyes breathing in through his frankly massive nostrils.
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He opened his eyes and looked at me sneeringly.
You've probably never climbed a Munro and had that feeling?
I laughed like a Hyena.
I have actually, but to be honest the hundreds of tourists all milling about at the summit thinking they are at one with the land and the sky tended to put me off a bit.
The Munro climber skipped to the side as if his trousers had caught fire and made a sneeerk noise of disgust.
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I leaned in and patted him on the shoulder condescendingly.
Anyway, good luck hanging out with all the tourists up them hills.
I wandered off leaving him screeching indignantly about how it wasn't just tourists that climbed the Munros. I ignored him.
Having listened to self-important, bragging resolutions all day I was a suffering a little from New Year's resolution fatigue.
I got on the train and was happy to have some time to myself when a guy I vaguely knew plumped down in the seat behind me. He was rather a large fellow. In fact he was gigantic and his frame was squishing me up against the window.
Hello Boom! Its awful being back isn't it!
I agreed then turned to look out of the window to discourage further conversation. Alas, it was not to be.
I made a New Year's resolution!
He exclaimed proudly, before continuing.
Six Pack Abs by the end of the year.
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He patted his beer belly fondly whilst staring at me as if daring me to tell him it was impossible. I looked at his shining eyes, then dropped my gaze to his large beer belly then back up to his face. He jutted his jaw out as if waiting for the inevitable mockery.
Well done mate that's quite an admirable resolution for your health and your wellbeing.
I said, quite good spiritedly.
He looked puzzled, as if eating a meat-free burger at a BBQ. Then a big grin broke out on his face and he shook his head pityingly at me.
For my health? For my wellbeing? Are you mad mate? I am doing it for the ladies! The chicks man!
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He patted his big belly again quite vigorously.
Oh yeah. How you doin?
He said in a strange American accent to a non-existent lady that no-one else could see.
I groaned inwardly and prayed hard for the journey to end.