Disgusting: Report finds Evidence of Russian Influence on Russian Election

in funny •  7 years ago 

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Following Russia's election anonymous sources in Russian intelligence have alleged that Russia may have influenced the outcome of the Russian election. Reports from a explosive and often salacious dossier allege that Russian political ads were linked to Russian funding sources and that this intervention may have been decisive in elevating Vladimir Putin to the Presidency.

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In a stunning turn of events which shocked pundits, Vladimir Putin was reelected with 75% in an election that seemed to shatter precedent and norms. Relishing his victory, Putin took to twitter this Monday, thanking his supporters and appearing to call for the arrest of his political opponents, a previously unthinkable act in the context of Russian history.

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But not everyone was pleased with the outcome. Monday's election results very often were met with concern and dismay by urban professionals in coastal enclaves in St. Petersburg and Vladivostok. "This isn't the Russia I grew up in," said Vasily Andropovich, a lawyer from an affluent Moscow suburb. "It's obvious Putin is in the pocket of Putin. If you ask me this whole thing stinks. It might even go all the way up to Putin".

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Vasily's wife Svetlana agrees. "Putin is a straight up con-artist. It's well known he has used the machinery of the state to enrich his friends. Corruption? In Russia? I never thought I'd see the day! Enough is enough, I'm moving to Kazakhstan. It is a country more in line with my values and to tell you the truth, Nazarbayev is a total hunk!"

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Putin's brash, shoot from the hip populist rhetoric resonated with many voters in the heartland of Russia while his divisive statments also drew controversy. Sergei Studeniken a professor at the University of Kazan was repelled by the candidate's xenophobic and anti-semitic remarks. "That's not what Russia is about!" He said "countries all over the world look up to Russia as a bastion of liberal values and tolerance. Choosing a candidate with a callous disregard for the rule of law and human rights risks alienating our strongest allies! What are the Syrians going to think about this?"

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However, for many Russians, Putin's victory was a breath of fresh air and his most ardent supporters dismiss the notion that Russia played a role in the outcome. "It's ridiculous to think that Russia had anything to do with this," says Leonid Tokaschevsky an unemployed ex-metal worker from Magnitogorsk.

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"Putin is going to make Russia great again" he said as he injected the deadly drug Desomorphine, better known as Krokodil into his veins. He added "I will probably be dead in two weeks. I owe my drug dealer 10 rubles".

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I almost want to give Trump credit for Putins re-election. I hear Putin plans to build a wall on the Ukrainian border, unfortunately for Ukraine it's on the western border.😂