Trump Announces Full Pardon of Charles Bronson

Washington, DC

In a move destined to increase divisions, President Trump has announced his plans to pardon Charles Bronson, action hero and star of the "Death Wish" film series.

Bronson, who plays the mild-mannered architect turned street avenger in Death Wish gained fame in New York as "the vigilante" after taking the law into his own hands and "solving" crimes with the help of his .32 Colt revolver. While the move is sure to shore up support among his most loyal followers, the pardon has sparked outcry from civil libertarians and human rights activists who have condemned Bronson for his extra-judicial killings and shoot first and ask questions later approach to ridding the city of "street scum".

"Trumps decision to pardon Bronson is deeply irresponsible" says Cock Jockey McPoindexter, Film Studies professor at New York University. "Not only is the Death Wish film series execrably directed, but it also offers crude and simplistic answers to deeper social questions. In my opinion it is a fascist movie. The moral stance of the film is that all our problems could be solved if upstanding middle class people bought guns and started killing people. Trump's pardon of Bronson could embolden other vigilantes to flout the law when crime rates are historically low! Also let's not forget to mention that this movie is fictional! This whole thing is absurd".

"The libtards can say that Death Wish is a fictional movie, but we all know better. That is FAKE NEWS," says Trump supporter Mark Udall, an Iowa dairy farmer who has applauded the decision.

"He's taking the country back from the street scum! I can't even take my wife Diane to downtown Cedar Rapids since Obama got elected. The city has become a den of street punks, crack dealers and street scum". Udall's wife Dianne seems to agree.

"I don't normally like to get involved in politics, but after seeing what has become of places like Cedar Rapids I couldn't stay silent any longer.

"Just look at it! It's a den of street punks, dope peddlers and street scum! God Bless president Trump for pardoning Mr. Bronson. He's not some bleeding heart moaning and groaning about due process. He's taking the country back from the creeps and street scum flooding our cities with drugs!".

New Jersey based Trump supporter Salvatore Bucatini was also fired up by Trump's decision to pardon Bronson. "What the liberals did to Charles Bronson's daughter in Death Wish was not right" says Bucatini. "I applaud the presidents' decision. He's taking our country back from the low-life creeps, dope peddlers and street scum. Have you seen New York City lately? It's a hell hole! I haven't taken my wife there in 43 years. Too many pimps, crack dealers and street scum".

Erie, Pennsylvania based insurance salesman and first time voter John Henwood couldn't be happier with the news and says he was drawn to the voting booth for the first time in part by the Presidents' promise to pardon the actor.

"It was not fair what the liberals and Mexican gangsters did to Charles Bronson's daughter again in Death Wish 2. I've never been one to follow the news, but I've seen Death Wish 200 times and someone finally has to say enough is enough and take the fight to the street scum. The thing you pull in the voting booth when you vote is a lot like a trigger when you think about it. I've never voted before, but when I pulled that trigger I imagined myself as Charles Bronson, taking the country back from the street punks, junkies and street scum"

While the pardon is sure to draw the ire of critics, Bronson, who has sworn to renounce violence in exchange for the pardon, was seen pulling into Union Station in Chicago. "You'll like it here, Bronson" said a man accompanying him, "we got you a nice apartment on Lakeshore Drive". But Bronson soon became distracted by a gang of street punks harassing a vulnerable young woman.