Brilliant Jokes

Hi everyone, I'm new here my name is Chris and want to share with you all some of my favourite jokes. Hope you all enjoy them.

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a
Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted
to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car.
You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly,
"Yes, I have a phone."

The Yugo guy said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in
 there, too? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey,
you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied,
"Of course, I have a television.  The Rolls-Royce is the
finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey,
you got a bed in there?  I got a bed in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a
bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer,
where he promptly  ordered a bed to be installed in
the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car,
and the bed looked superb!
It came complete with silk sheets and a
brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit
for a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Rolls went out
searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day
and finally found the Yugo late that night, parked,
with all the windows fogged up. He got out and
knocked on the window
of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he
continued knocking until finally, the owner of
the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his
head out.

"I now have a bed in my Rolls-Royce," the driver
of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The Yugo guy looked at him and said, "You got
me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!" 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven. St. Peter motions the first one to come forward and tell how he died.

The man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I live on the 10th floor so I snuck up the stairs and tried to sneak into our apartment but I used the wrong key the first time. I finally burst into the apartment and ran to the bedroom. My wife was naked in bed but I searched everywhere and couldn't find anyone. Then I looked out the kitchen balcony and saw a guy running down the fire escape. I was so angry the only thing I could think to do was roll the refrigerator to the balcony and heave it over. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"I see. Well, you may enter," said St. Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and St. Peter asks for his story.

"You see, I live on the 5th floor of my apartment building, and I was late for work this morning so I decided to take the fire escape. Just as I reached the ground, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and kills me, and now I'm here."

St. Peter says, "Hmmm, interesting. You may enter."

St. Peter asks the third man to come forward and tell his story.

"Well, sir, it's like this: I'm hiding in this refrigerator, minding my own business..."

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

A customer returns to the grocery store and says to the assistant "I'd like to complain about this jar of vinegar because it's got lumps in it." The store assistant eyes the jar suspicously takes one look and says "Those are picked onions."

Please everyone if you also have a great joke post it in reply, cheers!

(All images from open source.)