Relationship Calamities Series: #1 – Why it was PROBABLY a bad idea to condition the boyfriend to cry “NO” to every “Do I look fat?”

Okay ladies (very grudgingly including myself in the list of all those unfortunate souls who see those excruciating inches growing), first of all, deep breaths, and rise above. Let us begin.

Introductions are in order – not myself, but this series – that will probably save a lot of relationships (I hope). I’m no relationship Guru but I can say this much: I’ve seen my share of ups and downs, rights and wrongs… Actually, I’ve seen a lot of peoples’ shares of relationship crises (As perhaps Joey would say). We all know the basics (Yeah, we do, and we still sometimes willingly opt to wage open war against our “significant” other – why we do that, I’ll never know). But here we’ll go into the smaller, narrower alleyways of the intricacies that we PROBABLY never even considered before – how the smallest and the seemingly insignificant gestures, acts and habits eventually add up to that one huge clash where blood is drawn and venom is spewed. It’s all about psychology, people! Okay keep up! This one’s about something we’ve all been through and know all-too-well. For the first post, I thought I’d pick something elementary and break it down – Reductionism.

According to Ross and Rachel, relationships work on carefully constructed responses with perfectly orchestrated timing, vocab and tone. They probably do it a couple of hours on stage, but imagine doing that ALL THE FREAKING TIME with your muse – exhausting, right? No Rachel, the guy can and definitely SHOULD give an honest response, and he can definitely take a look before passing the verdict on whether or not his woman looks fat! Geez! And what’s even more absurd is Chandler’s girlfriend’s 45-kilogram petite supermodel figure that’s the subject of that enlightening conversation.

No wonder you guys never made it to real life.

Coming back to the actual dreadful exchange of the few words that potentially have the power of creating and setting the dynamics of your relationship in the longer run:

“Honey, are you ready yet?”

anticipation rises

“Hey!” ta dum pish! “Do I look fa-“

NOOOOOOOOO

Phew^ that was a close one, almost broke up, now can enjoy the evening abundantly... Right...?

WRONG!
What you just did possibly reinforced the image of your face on a nice little time bomb in your boyfriend’s head that he just ingeniously disarmed with such strategic grace, and dodged the Armageddon. Nice image? No. Take a look:

DISCLAIMER!

Image contains damaging content

…..Okay.
Let’s back up here a bit. You guys met, started dating, put your best foot forward – it was all rainbows, flattering clothes and expensive scents. Then you moved in together, and you started trusting him more – so you slowly eased up on the late-night snacking: the ice cream buckets shared, the pizzas and the post-ahem food. (the-best-ever-argh)

Your weighing machine is now slowly becoming the subject of your death stares and curses, the jeans take longer to fit. PANIC!
Okay, let us ask the boyfriend, because the gentle soul in that poor guy loves you – and is slightly afraid of the girl inside you smirk - and obviously who else are we trying to please? So, the first time the question is asked, the boyfriend flails in pure disdain and unlikelihood of such a grotesque question. FAT? YOU? Heavens FORBID! Perhaps he even does an exaggerated falling out of the chair act. That catches your suspicion… What? He’s LYING! P.A.N.I.C.

ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOSE.

Your life is now officially the crappiest amongst all your group. You immediately text your girlfriends and they join the hate club. This is where you slip into the dark, cold and damp abyss of depression. More ice cream buckets and pizzas and comfort food. But of course, this isn’t where it ends. The boyfriend – the poor victim here – realizes and learns, and shows up with flowers. All rainbows again!

Let’s go back to the time bomb. So, the responses are the perfect balance of disbelief, affection and normalcy – the boyfriend knows better than to say yes, and DEFINITELY better than to put up the whole act he got called on again. But in his head, he just evaded a time bomb and is probably getting pats on the back by millions of fans who congratulate him on his accomplishment.

But ladies, do you really like being the walking time bomb? That’s a low-key dysfunctional relationship right there! No ladies, have some mercy for Christ’s sake. Your man is probably severely dehydrated and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, for all you know!

Secondly, upon stepping out of the societal pressures when it comes to the idea of “perfection”, there’s really nothing that can stop you from being “one” with the one. Let him, on occasion, tell you that you’ve gained a pound or two, and let him talk you into losing it by helping you with a workout regime! Don’t make him the subject of your passive-aggression!
What will this do?

It’ll probably set you at peace, eliminate your insecurities and let you both have a comfortable, easy-going and positively growing bond together! It’s really amazing. Take it from a chubby lady bordering on fat.

Okay, I’m gonna go back to my sad bucket of ice cream now. Goodnight, loves x.

Note: GIFs and images taken from Google.