The Angry Man Returns: Dreaming In TV Violence

I once wrote a Myspace blog called The Angry Man, and as I was rumaging through an old harddrive I unearthed a few gems from back in the day. Below is one such angry rant (boy was I angry!).

Enjoy!

Dreaming Of Paradise

Over the years, I have on occasion dipped into the collective pool of consciousness and come up with some great ideas.

Unfortunately the idea usually takes a lot of money to make it fly and thus I soon forget about it until I drown myself in bitterness when I see someone else realise the dream that I had a few years previously and make a shed load of money.

Don't worry I'm not going to bore you with the ideas nor subject you to a bitter rant as to how I should be the one raking in gazillions of pounds from this idea or that.

No; I'm going to share with you one such idea in hope that one of you out there in cyberland has the money and technical know how to make it work.

Because this idea will benefit the entire human race and will be thought of in years to come as the breakthrough that enriched the lives of human beings more than any one single invention in our history.

OK are you ready folks?

Well here it is, it's 'Pirate TV'!

Woohoo!!

Get Off My TV!

Wait let me explain; you see, I got the idea for Pirate TV while watching a particularly annoying advert for some feckless bank or thieving insurance company, I can't remember which, a few years ago.

The advert so wound me up, that violent images of the deaths of every one of the cast in that advert filled my mind to the point that I couldn't think of anything else.

My anger at some fuckwit company trying to flog me insurance or a mortgage or whatever was tempered by envisioning the painful and prolonged deaths of everyone involved in that ad. Voila! A light turned on in my head and I realised that this would be a great stress reliever; why not have a button that you can press anytime your most hated advert comes onto the box?

For instance, when the Churchill Insurance advert forces its way into your living room and that fucking nodding dog and his associate band of morons start harping on about how fucking Churchill can save you money. A button can be pressed and a horde of black clad, masked, marauding ninja samurai appear out of nowhere and embark on a silent killing spree. Chopping everyone in sight into tiny little pieces.

You could even have a violence frequency button so that if you were in a particularly bad mood, you could whack up the frequency to max and watch the homicidal ninja samurai really go to town, covering the camera in the blood of the actors who only seconds before had been making your blood pressure rise to dangerous new heights, by asking you to take the Churchill challenge.

The thing is, is I know that they're only actors trying to make a living in a tough industry. I know that these people don't actually work for Churchill or Halifax or any of the other cunts that seem to have been put on this planet with no other purpose than to piss me off.

But the fact is, in that instant when that wanker with the glasses is telling me about the extra benefits of joining the Halifax, I want him dead.

In fact I want him dead in the most horribly violent way imaginable.

Or when those twats are going on about Coke Zero and talking about how it would be great if the rest of life was like Coke Zero, gathering more and more people until there is a multitude of people getting excited about how great Coke is.

At the point the last feckless moron wearing a plastic smile and a fake tan joined the rest of his moronic cohorts. I would want to press my pirate TV button and see a couple of Apache helicopter gun ships swarming down and taking out every last person with a combination of 50mm cannon fire and side winder stinger missiles.

But the main recipient of my wrath would be that piece of shit that appears in the fucking BT ads. This cockroach was in a shitty sitcom a couple of years ago. So the bright sparks in ad land, decided that it would be a good idea to take this shitty character and take him out of his shitty sitcom and put him in an even shittier situation in a shitty advert.

The general gist is that he's an immature cunt, slowly growing into a mature cunt.

KILL HIM NOW!!!!

No I mean it; there would be no end to the joy I would feel in seeing him getting maimed and killed in as many imaginatively violent ways as possible.

My favourite so far, is the thought of seeing a whaling harpoon crash through his chest at around sixty metres per second and covering the wall of his 'trendy' apartment with his intestines and associate internal organs.

Before you grab frantically for the phone book, in search of the number for the men in white coats. Let me tell you that Pirate TV won't entirely be about violence. Humour and cynicism will play a huge part too.

Let's Get Funny Too

On your Pirate remote control you'll have a small variety of choices. So if you're in a cynical mood, you can hit a button that allows the truth behind the bullshit to come out.

So instead of Confused dot com telling you how wonderful they are, you'll hear how they're going to take your money and then do their damndest not to pay you when it comes to you actually using the insurance they sell you for what it was originally intended.

Or when the man with a terminal shouting problem comes on to tell you how Sillit Bang will improve your life no end by cleaning away dirt you previously thought impossible to shift, one press of the humour button, would see a tramp shuffle up to him and piss on him mid sentence.

So if some whiz reading this does come up with a way to make advert characters die over and over again for my pleasure, please hurry up and get it onto the market somehow.

And if you do make a truck load of cash, remember me and chuck me a grand or seventy and we can sit down in front of the box, toasting with a glass of champagne, watching Halifax Howard die over and over and over again.

WOAH! I WAS PRETTY ANGRY BACK IN '06. THOUGH TO BE HONEST I STILL HATE TV ADVERTISING AND TRY TO AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS.

WHAT REALLY 'GRINDS YOUR GEARS' AND SENDS YOU INTO A MURDEROUS RAGE? AS EVER, LET ME KNOW BELOW!

Title image: Joe Green on Unsplash

Cryptogee