Weekend Cryptocurrency News Round-Up - March 3, 2018

San Criontes, California: Residents of the small Inland Empire village of San Criontes, California issued their own local cryptocurrency, called the "Criontes," only to be informed the next day that "San Criontes" was not a real village, city, or separate legal entity of any kind, and that they were really just domiciled in the bottom left-corner of Bakersfield. When approached for questioning regarding the revelation, the ostensible Mayor of San Criontes broke into a sprint southwardly, followed by his large Golden Retriever, which we have learned is named "Criontes" and venerated as the reincarnation of a 15th century Saint by those of the local Santeria-based cult. The cryptocurrency has been renamed "dogecoinmedium."

Allentown, Pennslyvania: The local city counsel passed a resolution declaring Allentown the new "Silicone Valley" for cryptocurrency. When questioned as to the motives behind the resolution, the town council responded, "Well, we're living here in Allentown and they're closing all the factories down." The local comptroller added that even though prior generations had attempted to calm the towns' long-time residents "the restlessness was handed down, and it's getting very hard to stay."

Jerusalem, Lichtenstein: In an unprecedented move, the United Nations General Assembly used their first vote handled fully with smart contracts in order to declare Jerusalem as the capital of Lichtenstein, thus putting an end to decades of strife, turmoil, and death in the city more familiarly known as as Aeolia Capitolina. With peace in the Middle-East now a reality, the former disputants have moved their grievances onto the block-chain, where the Israeli Prime Minister has declared that there is no partner for UTXO transfers, because of the Palestinians' inability to recognize the new "coin for peace" known as "BitCoen" as a "Jewish cryptocurrency." The head of the Palestinian Authority responded back that BitCoen is the Genesis Block of the Palestinian's own cryptocurrency, and was already utilized years ago by the Palestinians as "Al-Aqscoin."

Antarctica: Through extensive research into the frozen tundra's ice core, using carbon-dating mass spectrometers, and gas chromatographs, scientists have discovered that there is a lot of important shit going on in the world that matters way more than cryptocurrency. "We first thought that all the other important shit had been taken care of, considering the presence cryptocurrency and blockchain had within the twenty-four hour news cycle," said Russian climatologist Orlov Patronovich. "But the evidence has clearly shown that the world has an almost limitless amount of important shit that is more important than cryptocurrency." When asked about the implications of these results, Patronovich stated that all he could say was that the news would likely result in a price spike for Tronix once Justin Sun tweeted that TRX was the only solution to all the important shit in the world that is being ignored because of cryptocurrencies likes TRX.