Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
