FAQ for Men in the Workplace

When can I show a coworker my wiener?
a. Never.

What if my wiener has a rash, odd shape, weird color, a wood tic, funny tattoo or a birthmark that looks like Norway
a. Still never.

When can I ask a coworker if they want to see my wiener?
a. Never

Where in my workplace may I play with my wiener?
a. Nowhere.

When can I share pictures of my wiener via text, email, or other forms of communication with my coworkers?
a. Never.

When can I invite a co-worker to shoot rubber bands or spitballs at my wiener?
a. Never.

What recourse do I have, if coworkers to not inquire about my wiener?
a. None.

When can I ask my coworkers to visualize my wiener in a majestic setting, like a quiet meadow near a still pond?
a. Never.

Where in the office can I post poems, stories, essays, novellas, monographs, or haiku about my wiener?
a. There is no acceptable location for these items.

Can I sing folk songs about my wiener in the office?
a. Nope.

Where can I post a sign that has an arrow pointing to the area of my body where my wiener is located that says “Hey, check this out!”.
a. There is no acceptable place for such a sign.

When can I conduct a team building exercise where we play the game “Hang Man” and the solution to the puzzle is “Check out my Wiener!”?
a. Never.

What about a team building exercise where we do trust falls and I catch people…..with my wiener?
a. Nope.

If I am communicating with a coworker via phone, email, skype, letter, memo, or other form of communication, can I make any reference to my wiener?
a. Nope.

When can I play with the loose change in my pocket that is located wiener adjacent for an extended period of time, in front of a co-worker?
a. Never.

When can I leave my office door unlocked while changing my clothes where there is a chance I would be exposing my wiener?
a. Never.

When can I give a coworker a full frontal hug, with a forward pelvic thrust pressing my wiener area against them?
a. Never.

Can I wear an open or incredibly short bathrobe that may make may wiener visible, if it is casual Friday?
a. Nope.

Can I wear a short pair of jogging shorts with no undergarments and then pose like Captain Morgan, thereby exposing my wiener in the workplace?
a. Nope.

What about wearing a tight pair of sweatpants where the outline of my wiener is obviously apparent?
a. Nope.

Where can I allow my wiener to be exposed to the air at my workplace?
a. The men’s restroom, when standing directly in front of a urinal, in a bathroom stall with the door closed while using the toilet. And only for the purpose of expelling human waste.

Would you like to see my wiener?
a. Security will be here shortly to escort you and your wiener out of the building. Here is your termination notice. We will ship your personal belongings to your home within 10 business days.

Now that we are no longer coworkers, would you like to see my wiener?
a. The police will be here shortly.

Do you think the police would like to see my wiener?
a. You seriously need to get out of here.