HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE XIV: WEEKLY STAFF MEETING

lordvader (69) in funny • 7 years ago

Greetings loyal followers.

Yesterday I conducted my weekly staff meeting.

Dennis! This is the wrong image! This is from the meeting where I was considering bringing back the black death. Then everyone realized I am the black death.

My executive assistant Vera, who may be the only other competent person in the entire Empire, has been trying to help me to limit the number of people I Force choke each day. Of course she wouldn't have to do this if my boss wasn't such a tool who "ordered" me to to stop killing my underlings. He claims it is bad P.R. Perhaps if he actually hired someone competent besides Vera and I, I wouldn't have to kill Imperial employees all the freaking time.

Whatever. The order is there and Vera is helping me (she is a real doll you know).

As you should know, in order to help me to break my habit of executing people who clearly deserve it, Vera instituted a "Choke jar" system. It really covers every method of execution but choking is my favorite and also has a nice ring to it.

Well after last week's staff meeting, I ghosted so many dimwits that I nearly went broke. (This will all become moot once the Empire adopts Steem as its official currency... but my jack ass boss is blocking that move... because he's a freaking moron and ruins everything!)

Last week's staff meeting started like every other. The room was filled with incompetent, idiotic nimrods... and me. By the end of it, here is what the room looked like:

Actually I permanently silenced the idiot on the left shortly after this image was produced. I told that dipwad Tarkin to just sit there with his hands on his lap and think about what he did. Luckily for him, he did... or I'd be paying one more fine to the choke jar.

Vera has suggested that instead of eliminating all of the dolts who deserve it, I should vent my anger by sharing this transmission.

Very well. Allow me to begin.

As you know, I am the smartest, strongest, toughest, wisest, handsomest, coolest, most powerful being in the universe. As such, in comparison to me, everyone pretty much sucks (except Vera of course). As a result, when I am in any room, no one is my equal. If you didn't know better, you might think I purposely choose to surround myself with unqualified, incompetent, morons. They are so terrible that one might get the impression that I intentionally surround myself with these halfwits in order to make myself appear better in comparison. Obviously this is absolutely ridiculous. I am so awesome that no matter who is in a room, I am still the smartest, strongest, toughest, wisest, handsomest, coolest, and most powerful being there.

Yesterday's staff meeting was filled with many new members who were needed to replace the last batch of imbeciles. Here they are:

Do you see that empty chair right there? Well it would be filled if that idiot Jeffrey didn't forget the freaking BEAR CLAWS!!!

Starting with me at the 12:00 position (because I am the most important... duh) and proceeding according to your primitive analog clocks, here are the members of the great team who can restore the Empire's prosperity and bring real change to the galaxy:

Cassio Tagge: Head of Army Operations on the Death Star

Moradmin Bast: Chief personal aide to Grand Moff Tarkin (His freaking 1st name even has "admin" in it! That is probably why the Grand Moron picked him.)

Hurst Romodi: Some retired old dude who Tarkin made Operations Chief ( I let Tarkin pick a lot of the stupider positions)

Wulff Yularin: A Cornel in the Imperial Secretary Bureau (no it is not a typing pool). He ensures that the personnel remains totally loyal to the Empire (Tough job. All he has to do is point to me and say "Do you want that guy on your butt?")

Admiral Motti: Chief of the Imperial Navy and overseer of day to day operations on the Death Star

Sweetie Belle: Chief Mess Management Specialist and Minister of Love

Apple Bloom: Chief Maintenance Technician

Scootaloo: Chief Flight Officer

Grand Moff Tarkin: A complete ignoramus with a stupid made up title. He thinks he is in charge of some things. He sucks. Who cares? (Clearly the Emperor's choice.)

Because I am the most amazing being ever, of course I began the meeting. I always start by showing this transmission:

Then I ask, "Do I have your attention?"

Then I laugh!

Of course I have their attention. Look ate me!

In case anyone had forgotten since I reminded them when they walked through the door, I reiterated how amazing I am and all of the progress we have made as an Empire since I became the greatest Sith Lord in the history of time.

After that quick refresher, I proceeded to say,

"When I became Sith Lord, I promised to find and destroy the entire Rebel Alliance. We are of course doing that at a faster pace than anyone could have ever imagined. I have killed more Jedi and destroyed more Rebel bases than anyone else could have possibly done. I have negotiated and strictly adhered to the terms of each of the many bargains I have made. I have been a model of self control and tolerance. I have found each and every enemy who I have sought. No one has ever hidden from me right on my home planet. I have thoroughly protected and ensured that the battle station is 100% indestructible by anyone ever now or in the future. And I have done this while mastering the operation of a hover board."

I meant to do that...but have that removed.

After the spontaneous standing ovation, I said, "Now enough about hearing what I think of me. I would like to hear what you think of me."

Each member of the staff made an impromptu and unprepared statement.

Grand Moff Tarkin began by thanking me for "the opportunity and blessing that you’ve given us to serve your agenda and the Galactic Empire."

Wow! Maybe that guy isn't so bad after all. At the very least he is a great judge of character.

Here is what the rest of the team had to say:

Cassio Tagge added, “It’s an honor to be able to serve you. Each and every member of the army believes in you and knows you are the greatest leader ever. They all have pictures of you above their bunks. They kiss them every night before they go to sleep."

Dennis! This is supposed to be an image of a picture of me above someone's bed... not me in bed!!!!!

Moradmin Bast continued, "I am privileged to be here. I am deeply honored. That Vera is one lucky woman. I wish I were her. Can I be her? I will wear a wig. I'll do anything...”

Admiral Motti cut him off (I don't know why) with, "What an incredible honor it is to lead the Imperial Navy at this pivotal time under your leadership. I can’t thank you enough for the privileges you’ve given me and the leadership that you’ve shown. Under your leadership, this Navy has become the most powerful in the universe. There is no way we would ever let one tiny ship get close enough to destroy our most important weapon... aside from you of course.”

Hurst Romodi then thanked me for my "direction in pulling the operations budget together.” He thoroughly praised me for making sure we have the funds required to protect every single square inch of this battle station. He actually got a little weird and told me how amazing I was to make sure that there was not even a womp rat sized weakness anywhere on the Death Star. That was odd. But accurate.

Womp Rats look like the offspring of the Emperor and one of your hyenas. Adorable right?

Wolff Yularin reminded me that I had visited all of his top secret agents last week and that hundreds and hundreds of people were just so thrilled that I took the time out of my busy schedule to visit them and to share their holograms in my weekly transmission. He told me that my strategy of revealing the identities of the secret agents was "brilliant" and "revolutionary". It was.

Sweetie Belle, who just returned from Tatooine, informed me that all of the people there love me (of course they do). She made a special point to relay a message from the Tusken Raiders who wanted to personally thank me for helping them with their overpopulation problem nearly two decades ago.

I don't like sand (people's blood). It's sticky, smelly and irritating. And it gets everywhere.

Apple Bloom praised me for my ingenious idea of tying all of the trash compactors together into one system so they could conveniently be shut down all at once. She also took the time to show her appreciation for my suggestion of placing the tractor beam control levers in a more convenient location.

Finally, Scootaloo ended by reminding everyone that I happen to be the greatest fighter pilot who ever lived. She even asked me if I would show her the technique I use to ensure that my TIE Fighter never ends up spinning out of control after being hit by a blast by another ship (not that I would ever get hit).

Actually this was the greatest staff meeting in the history of time. Vera was right. I feel great!