My Favorite George Carlin Quotes

 Did you ever notice how awful your face looks in a mirror in a restroom  that has florescent lights? Every cut, scrape, scratch, scar, scab,  bruise, boil, bump, pimple, zit, wart, welt, and abscess you've had  since birth all seem to come back at the same time. And all you can  think of is "I gotta get the fuck outta here!" 

 Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out  immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal  right to execute me 

 An art thief is a man who takes pictures. 

 Here's some fun:  Stand on line at the bank for a really long time.   Then, when you finally get to the window, just ask for change of a  nickle.  They actually call other tellers over to look at you. 

 I tried to give up heroin, but my efforts were all in vein. 

 There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. 

 What can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus  whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word.  You never hear them say “Jesus made me drop the ball.” “The good lord  tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.” According to these guys  Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be  another one of those “miracles.” 

 Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

 Let's not forget how boring golf is. Have you ever watched it on  television? It's like watching flies fuck. A completely mindless game. 

 Whenever I hear about a "peacekeeping force," I wonder if they're so interested in peace, why would they use force? 

 Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the  universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is  wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.