We Don't Need no Stinkin' Introduction!
First: Ass Dust!
What is this stuff! Why is it sprinkled all over the toilet! Is that dead crabs! Are they moving! How do you manage to make such a goddamn mess and not notice! Like I need a trail of breadcrumbs just to find out you recently took a shit! Come on! Who does that! Ass powder sprinkled all over the goddamn toilet! How! Why! I don't want to know what it is! Just wipe it off at least! Damn! Get the shop-vac if you have to! Something! Anything! Cover your mouth when you cough, Ass Face!
Second: Talkative Moron Holding Up the Line!
Shut up! Who cares about your cookies! This is a bank! Get your money and get out! Yes! It's cold out today! Go small talk with someone who isn't getting paid to be nice to you! I'm staring at you! We're all staring at you! This one guy just looked at me and rolled his goddamn eyes! Do you not know what this means! Move! Go! Go! Go! Now! Get out! Get out! Come on!
Third: That Damn Train!
Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! How do you like it! Huh! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Do I come to your house and shake your plates! No! I don't! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!
Fourth: That Drunk Chick at the Bar!
Stop laughing! Please! Just shut up! It's been over an hour! Who laughs for an entire hour at the top of their lungs! You're one drink away from death and you can't stop laughing! Slow down! Someone call this woman an ambulance! Get her the hell outta here! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Which one of you perverts slipped her the damn ecstasy tab! Something isn't right here! Why are your friends joining in now! This is a sports bar! I'm trying to relax! There, see! That's what you get! Calm down and you wouldn't be soaked in beer right now! Finally something for me to laugh at! Don't give me that look! It's not my fault you can't stand up properly without falling forward onto the table and spilling everyone's drink! I don't care about your phone! The screen is cracked anyway! You needed a new one! Go home!
Fifth: That word!
Fifth! Fifth! Fifth! I doesn't sound right! It doesn't look right! Why does it exist! Someone needs to fix that word! Fifth! Fifuhthh!
Sixth: See above!
Same - damn - thing!
Seventh: That guy on the trending page!
Are you on glue! Who spends thousands of dollars just so everyone can see them bitching and moaning! How is that not embarrassing! I know people who will do that for free! Who's paying attention to them! Nobody! A guy at the bus stop once told me how much he hates the New York Yankees because I said hello to him! Does that make sense! No! But he did it anyway! And you damn right a crowd started to form! He went on about it for over fifteen minutes! It's called making a scene! I didn't care! His eyes were bulging and veins were sticking out on his forehead! I wasn't scared! "All top Steemit authors buy votes!" What! What! What! What! What! You could have purchased an entire month on public access tv and sold me a psychic reading for less than what you paid for two days of bitching! This comedy writes itself!
Eighth: These dirty things!
I'm trying to quit! Can you tell! Is it showing! Triggered! Triggered! Triggered! Triggered! You would not believe how therapeutic this is! Triggered! Ahhhh! Ahhh! Ahh! I'm out of breath! I don't know whether to laugh or cry! That's almost too much for one day but I'm hanging in there! One more little jolt and I might be throwing myself through a window! Always wanted to be a stuntman! Triggered! Triggered! Triggered! Triggered!
Okay: I think I feel better now.
Have a nice day!
I must admit, I'm guilty of #2.
No, not that. Not the poo dust. That's fucking gross.
I meant the second item on your list.
I greatly enjoy making conversation with retail workers and other people in that sort of customer-facing business. I remember being one of them. I remember how horrible some people treated me for things I couldn't do anything about. Or maybe just because they were having a bad day. Or maybe because they had stuff to do, and forgot that CVS does not employ robots.
I once (recently) wished a retail worker a Happy New Year a little late. It was probably the seventh. It was, in my mind, getting a little "old," so I added, "of course, you've probably heard that way too many times already."
"Actually," she said, "not really. I think you're the first." That made me kind of sad. So I made sure she knew I meant it-- that it wasn't just small talk, that I really wished her a happy and prosperous New Year. Everyone deserves those sorts of things. I think sometimes the people who talk to the most people every day are the loneliest people.
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I worked in retail, long ago, for a long time. I've been on both sides of that line.
At the end of the day... this was just a comedy show, nothing more. I felt like yelling my head off and it felt good! I'm actually completely burned out from all the energy this took out of me. Probably sleep well now, if I ever get the courage to stop working....
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Hey, I wasn't trying to guilt you! I mostly wanted an excuse to make the #2 joke.
Go easy on me, huh? I'm not so good with the funny business, like you are. It's why I have to be so serious all the time. :)
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It's all good! I'm half asleep. That's all. This took either minutes to write. See that? It's supposed to say eight but I'm too lazy to go fix it. I gotta go! LOL.. wtf
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Oooor....can you? This can be SPARTAAAAAA!
If you so choose, that is.
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Whatever I just did had more power than 300!
I encourage everyone to go nuts today and let it all out!
Try it! LOL!
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I'm going to go ninja kick someone right now!
But where...maybe the local Wal-Mart? Yeah, seems like a great place to start.
Then off to the library! It's always too quiet in there.
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hehe
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I'm going to go to the drive thru and intentionally fuck up my order for 15 minutes and then blame them when I don't get what I want!
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Yes! Fabulous idea!
Wait...they have drive thrus up there?
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We just pull the dog sled up to a random igloo and start yelling through the hole!
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Or complain when Taco Bell doesn't have fries.
Oh shit, that's already been done.
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I go to Mcdonalds for a salad!
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Sparta had no meowen attack helicopters though like these days. Ah the good old days of being able to gut a man like a fish for looking at you all meow like. Now a days we have to act civil, not meow, and respect others opinions or just move to Florida.
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Hey sometimes Steem is the best way to blow off some steam I guess! That was a bad joke...
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That was a good joke! Try it! Yell at your keyboard! It feels good!
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What about those knuckleheads who’re too lazy to finish off the milk and go get more, so they just leave like two sips at the bottom and put it back in the fridge! Those people sure make life a living hell! What if we’re in hell already and just don’t realize it! And what if all those However Many Things you listed are just different levels of it! Ha ha ha!
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I think you might be on to something here!
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Third upvote for just the title. Now to read haha
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The title still wins lol :)
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As you can see, a lot of thought went into that title! As for everything else... well! It sure put me in a good mood! Rainbows and picnics are cool but they don't work on me! Why am I still yelling!
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hahah. I skipped number one but did laugh at the rest :) ! ! !
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Good! I thought about opening with number four but then I thought it would be best to set the mood with the most ridiculous thing I could think of first! I wouldn't want someone running away half way through! Whoa! I think I'm calm now.
I'm trying to find the right balance. Look! No f-words today except for that number five problem I'm having!
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hahahaha. I really enjoyed this response :)
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Number 7 is most likely for number 1 everywhere!
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I can only agree with this. Too burnout to do anymore than that!
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You know what solves all these problems... Steem
Ergo: steem > people
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I refuse to lose my mind so I just thought it would be a good idea to put it down here on Steemit for safe keeping! Problem solved!
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Your sense of humor is brilliant.
Regarding the drunk woman, I probably wouldn’t stop laughing if I knew someone who laughed himself to death.
Has this actualy happened to you? Did you cause someone to laugh to death?
RESTEEMED!
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I haven't been charged with murder... yet! LOL!
Thanks for the resteem! Start voting! You're here everyday! You'll get curation rewards!
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IM just waiting to get my voting power back to 80. I will then. Actualy I just almost did.
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I’ve never caused someone to instantly combust to death from laugher but I do make people meow more often. Is that similar?
I guess we will have keep eye on nonameslefttouse as I'm certain he will be the first being on trail for such a meow.
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Perhaps second degree murder?
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I was thinking crimes against humanity. I guess we could go with the lesser offence of second degree meow.
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Train tracks are right across the street from my house. I actually don't always hear them anymore...part of the normal background noise now. They do tick me off when I leave and hit the 4 way stop to town and have to wait 10 minutes for the train to finish. As for #8 stay away from those things! You will be better off without it. Get your gun, take em on the front porch, throw em in the air, and use them for target practice.
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I'm trying so damn hard to put them down but I'm not attempting to be a psychotic cold turkey! I just keep saying NO! for as long as I can! I managed to get halfway through the day without one and every minute that passed by pissed me off! It feels good though... I know the damn things are only killing me... I think I've spent more money on cigarettes in my life than what I have in my wallet here! That's lunacy there if I ever did see it! Damn train! Honk Honk Honk! Drives me nuts!
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Great humor you @nonameslefttouse have. I can’t keep giving you awards for your unique humor.
Great post, but that longest one is the one I will remember until I drop dead.
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LMAO! "No powders will be distributed." Watch out for one of the side effects of quitting smoking, Tourette Syndrome. Stay away from windows Evel Knievel.
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I'm going to need more than a padded room this time!
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Damn, now when I tried to pronounce sixth and fifth I forgot how to do it and I sounded like donald duck, haha... fiflh flift fluf flaf
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They screwed up! And they won't admit it!
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You almost mess up my mind
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Phew! Thank God is was just an almost.
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That was close!
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I'll try harder next time!
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Meow me meow ow meowen me me meow.
Like I just ask man. Are you feeling ok you seem a bit meowed atm? It’s like you just had a conversion with a time traveling cat or something. Feline I could never get the hang of Sundays they were always so meow.
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hahaha, the guy on the trending page! Leave the drunk chicks at the bar alone, girls just wanna have fu-unnnn
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Ninth: The time @kevinli came to my blog and put that damn song in my head!
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The top however many things i can think of that make my life a living HEAVEN today!
By @nonameslefttouse
You're welcome!
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Damn youuu, I laughed!
Even though I had to skip the ass dust, it was too colourfully described :(
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Oh come on! Like you've never been to a public restroom before! Thanks for laughing! I'm still chuckling about this mess today too!
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I am glad you feel better. I am hugging my laptop which is like I am hugging you. The ass face is a MASTERPIECE that should have a dedicated post to it.
When I see Dirty things, I see menstruations, but hey, that's me. I am fucking weird.
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Ass Face has made a few appearances... I just can't remember where! Too many blog posts! It's all a blur! There are thousands of hours worth of time put into art hidden all over my blog. I only recently started to bring some of them back from the dead.
I'm looking at that blood now and thinking, it's been awhile since I killed something. Maybe I'll do that for tomorrow's post.
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I still try to decide if i enjoyed the article more or enjar's phenomenal comment!!! Lol
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That cat stole the show and I don't mind one bit!
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Now, that's the spirit. You handled this as a boss. You allow your fans to steal the show occasionally he he ;)
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Only a drunk person can laugh for over an hour and feel like it's just a minute. That's the effect of that substance called alcohol. Anyone that has got drunk before would understand what you are saying here.
The fact that she's got a broken phone and needs to get a new one as well as the imperative "Go home" is enough to make the alcohol vanish from her body and make her have a rethink about the quantity she consumes next time mehn.
Really? Can't pronounce fifth and sixth properly after reading those lines. Power of words tho.
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Hahaha.. Anyone can learn humor from you..thanx for sharing you made my day
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