(Editor's note - This is a fun post, and by no means should it be taken seriously. Click Here if you don't have a sense of humour about zoophilia. Okay then, no complaining.)

Years ago, on my blog Change The Topic, I was asked to do a post either on how to defeat the plutocracy or sneak up on a sheep when you are drunk and horny. I thought I would share it here in a slightly edited version.

Seeing as I don't even know what a plutocracy is, I guess you are going to learn about raping farm animals and how to properly tamp down your shame with morbid poetry and self-inflicted glass cuts.

But it isn't rape if they want you to do it. Right?

Yes, it is, because they don't. They don't even like getting laid by other sheep. As if your tiny, freckled weiner and clammy complexion is going to turn them on. If you are human, and you fuck an animal, you are a rapist in every sense of the word.

Yeah, but what about if she fucks me? Then it's okay, right?

Listen to me. No means no, and because you don't understand sheep language, you can't know for sure that it's consensual. That would be like me forcing myself on random Taiwanese women, and because I don't speak their language, using the defence that I thought they were saying yes. They weren't.

No one, except sometimes my wife, willingly has sex with me.

Now that we've established that it is in fact, rape, let's move on with the lesson.

I assume you already know that a ewe's vagina is quite similar to a human's and that they are just the right height for the sexy times, but I'll bet you didn't know that their split lip feels good when they kiss you.

That was a joke. You do not kiss sheep on the mouth. It's just like Pretty Woman.

Step 1: What you'll need

• night vision goggles (optional)
• dog bite suit (with helmet)
• tranquilizers
• 1 lb ground beef to hide the tranqs (the cheap shit in the tube is fine for this)
• condoms (no need to leave a bunch of DNA around)
• rubber boots (at least 12" tall)
• velcro wrapped mittens
• Polysporin
• a lawyer

Step 2: Reconnaissance

Do you want to be torn to shreds by a Kuvasz or a Great Pyrenees? No? How about kicked in the nuts by a ewe that's trying to escape your grasp?

I didn't think so. You are going to want to scope things out first, so there are no surprises.

• Call the farm and ask when they do the shearing. If they seem suspicious tell them you want to bring your kid out to see how it's done.
• Night vision goggles are a good thing to own, but especially for this type of manoeuvre. If you don't have any, then you should go when the stars and moon are bright, because you need to be able to see.

(Greatly improves your odds. Unless the sheep have a snub-nosed .38.)

• Get some heavy duty tranquilizers from a vet and put them in small balls of ground beef. Tell them that you have a 170 lb mastiff that won't get in the crate for air travel. Get as many as you can, because you plan on travelling a lot, stud. ;)

Step 3: Execution

• After most people have gone to sleep, go to the farm that you intend on hitting up for some "midnight mutton", and find out where the flock is.
• When you are at the fence closest to the flock, suit up and start whistling a little, increasing volume until the dog or dogs start heading for you.

• Throw two hamburger balls for each dog, but make sure they both eat them. There shouldn't be more than two, but it's better to be safe than sorry.
• If they don't eat them, you might want to get the fuck out of there, because you don't want to be testing the longevity of that suit with those bastards. If they get you down, eat a couple of those balls yourself.
• When the dogs are asleep, work your way into the flock. Keep the suit on, just in case of wolves.

(It could happen.)

 

• Find the one you like the best, undress, except for the boots, mitts and a condom, and gently massage the sleeping beauty, while working your way behind her (or him, if you love danger).
• Swiftly pick up the back end, and drop the rear legs into the boots, all the while getting a good handhold with the mittens. (If the fleece is long, you can bare hand it, but after awhile the lanolin will get greasier than homemade clown porn.)
• Do your thing, you sick, perverted rapist.

(It's true. We all know it.)

 

Step 4: Escape

• Put the Polysporin on the hoof cuts all over your shins (they'll be there if you did it right), and get your suit back on, because those dogs might be coming around, and they're between you and freedom. It will also slow down birdshot, if the farmer catches you.
• Get the fuck out of Dodge.

Step 5: Living With It

• When you get home, smash all of your mirrors, because you can't stand looking at yourself.
• Use the broken glass to cut slices in your thighs, to take away the shame.
• Write some haikus about how you wish you had the courage to commit suicide.
• Plan your next visit, because that shit was fucking awesome.

 

For the record, I have never raped, or even molested an animal before. (Unless you count that time the tip of my pinky went inside the cat's bum. He was farting in my face and I was just trying to push him off my chest. It wasn't sexual at all. For me.) I'm a reasonably skilled woodsman and hunter, so I transferred what I know, and mixed it with some assumption and Google "facts", to bring you this masterpiece.

"Harmlessly passing your time in the grassland away, only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air, you better watch out, there may be dogs about."

Thanks for reading, and I totally understand if you don't resteem this. You really should though, because you want your fancy Steemit friend to know that you don't care what they think.

Oh, and I already know that I'm going to whatever your version of Hell is, so save your breath.

This post is being entered in @comedyopenmic's Round Ten and I nominate @agrestic and @cryptkeeper17 to join in.